im sure everyone probably thought id given up my blogging days. and that makes me sad... cause that was never my intention. i think sometimes life just happens, and you forget. it's not that ive been too busy either. in fact ive had way more free time on my hands than id like. i spend most of my free time completely alone, and wishing for something (anything) to do. so i dunno. i think ive been so busy hanging on for dear sweet life, that ive just not had the ability to do anything extra. like- at all. for those of you who are in the dark ill just break it down for ya...
1) i married a liar.and unfortunately, i happened to love that liar more than anything at all. i loved him as good as i knew how. and that got me no where. i still love him too. and i wake up daily praying for god to take it away. but it's here.... just lingering and making me mad.
2) i decided to move back to colorado thinking it would be "home" and give me the fresh start i knew i would need to begin a life without eric. i moved here 10 weeks ago, and to say that it's been less than what i expected would be a major, major, major understatement.
a) for starters, i am always lost. like- always. i know how to get myself to/from work successfully and to some of the places i see along the way. and that's it. i was never lost in nashville. well- not usually. this is frustrating and totally annoying. this is supposed to be "home" and ive never felt so lost in my life.
b) i thought leaving nashville would mean i was leaving all the hurt and worry there and that i wouldn't have to or want to look back. except that was a ridiculous thing to think and dream of. i think of my life there often. like- every single day often. and not just the happy parts with eric in it either.
-the parts where i had substantial friendships that really meant something. except now that im here, realizing that i don't think i really valued those friendships as i should have. i thought cause i had just 2 or 3 close friends, that i was lacking. but in truth, i was rich beyond measure in those 2 or 3 friendships. i regret taking that for granted. i really do.
-i think of my babies. every. single. day. EVERY day! i miss them. i miss playing barbies with jenna claire. we would get all of the barbies (like 30!) all beautified and pretty, and have beauty pageants with them. they even had talents, and would compete! i miss her sweet, sweet smile. and her silly little self. i miss her fashion sense and being able to get her all dressed and do her hair on days when she was out of school. she was always so pretty. i miss rossi p's kool kat attitude. he had the best sense of humor of any kid ive ever, ever met. he could bring me to tears with laughter! and he did! all the time! i miss hearing his rationalizations for things, and how he just had this way of keeping things we adults make so difficult and dramatic- so simple and fact based. and then there was sophie. i miss how when id go in to get her from her nap, she'd beam with glee and say "hi!" that made my day- every time. i miss how no matter what the hell i was going through, that sweet baby got me through. she brought me more joy with her sweet little smile than i had ever thought possible. when i was miscarrying- i was at work- taking care of her, and she got me through. when i found out my husband had had an affair, i went to work- and she got me through. she had me smiling through my tears every step of the way, because her spirit was something i felt connected to. there are no words to describe the love i feel for those three. and my fear is that the ache will always be here- missing them and wondering what they did at school today.
c) i had this vision of what life would be like once i got here, and to be perfectly honest- it's not been what id envisioned since the very first moment i stepped foot out of the car. mostly it's just been different than what i anticipated and expected. i keep trying to stay positive (because isn't that the essence of "me"?) and it just doesn't change. i wanted more. i wanted to become a part of something here. i thought i would just fit right in, except i don't. and sometimes i wonder if that's been harder on me than loosing the love of my life.... the fact that i came here for shelter and haven't found it. at the beginning of this post i mentioned spending most of my free time alone. and to be honest- what i meant by that is that i essentially spend ALL of my free time alone. turns out the friends i thought i was coming to share my life with, and cling to, are busy living their own little lives. as they should be! it's not a bad thing at all... i just expected it to be different. the truth of the matter is that everyone is juggling like a million balls in the air, and just kinda trying to get through. they're worried about their kids and families... not hanging out with me. so i get it- i do. it is as it should be. but where does that leave me? ill tell ya where it leaves me... alone.
d) so my friend that ive been staying with told me last week ive got until march 31st to get out. i of course am and will continue to be eternally grateful for her generosity and hospitality toward not just me- but my bristol (who we all know is NOT the most docile of girls...). but last we'd talked, this was working out to be more of a long term arrangement so i was a bit blind sided when i was faced with this news. so- i began looking at how much ill be bringing in at allosource, and tried to determine what a budget might be for rent. i then began to look for places and was absolutely, completely, 150% floored by how expensive it is to live here! oh. my. gosh. i cannot, cannot, cannot believe i didn't appreciate the cost of living in nashville more when i was there! like- wow. so then i started trying to think if there's anyone i know who might want to be roomates. then i realized that the answer to that is a big, fat NO since most everyone i know here is married with happy, little families. i then began to consider placing an ad for a roomate somewhere online, but ill be honest- that's kinda sketch. well it seems like it could be. and with MY luck these days? id be the one to get a crazy thief or something. or someone who is suicidal and just a complete nightmare. plus- i feel like it's kind of a lot to ask anyone to deal with my bb on a full time basis like that. it would take a very special person to be willing to share their space at home with her, etc. she can be wild. so then it left me thinking- what the hell am i going to do? no really- WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?
so here's the gyst of it- im living in a state that is supposed to be my home, except the entire place is completely unrecognizable and may as well be a foreign country to me or something. i came here to be surrounded by great friends that i could stay busy with and be a part of their lives- except i spend all my time alone, because most everyone is too busy dealing with their own lives to notice im dying over here. and now i realize im working toward a goal that cannot, simpy cannot, be attained. i can't support myself out here financially. this is not only completely frustrating- but it's humiliating! and it makes me mad to think of my life a year ago. my life where i blogged all the time about pop culture, or about our latest decorating project, or about what funny thing ross said that day. little did i know what was to come... and once again... little did i know that, that was the time to stop and smell the roses, and to just enjoy life being easy.
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