first of all, for the first time in a long time ive felt today that living here might just work. im not sure why, or what caused me to feel this way... nothing has dramatically changed or happened, i just feel myself thinking more about creating a life here, than creating a life somewhere else. it might just be possible. i think if i were able to magically transplant the few friends in nashville i feel lost without, id be wanting to stay here in a heartbeat. maybe it has something to do with this...
this is my old house. not the one i moved away from to go off into the world on my own, but the one we moved to when we first arrived in colorado. i was 12 when this became my home, and i was 19 when i left it. lots of amazing memories were made in this house. as you can see, it is for sale at the moment (and vacant), so i was able to go onto the porch and peak in the windows and snoop. :) it was hugely nastalgic to say the least. as i looked through the windows, and saw the same wood floors my dad spent tireless hours laying down, and the new white carpet my mom was so excited to install, and the crown molding my dad made and hung all by himself, i finally began to feel at home. i saw my childhood flash before me in an instant. i remembered family christmas', home-schooling, the smell of home made bread, going off to prom, graduating high school, when the rowell family came to visit, and seeing my grandmother in this house for the very last time. while it has undoubtedly changed a LOT, it was like something clicked for me inside.
i also found myself feeling a little bit sad too because the place just isn't what it was when my family lived there. it looks so sad and lonely. when we called this place home, the house was painted this pretty cream color, and it had crisp white trim. the shutters were black, and those flower beds in front of the porch and behind those gorgeous rock walls were always filled with beautifully colored flowers. the yard was always, always, always well manicured, and the garage door didn't have that tilt in it toward the bottom. if i were able, i would buy this place up in a heartbeat, and make it my own again. the neighborhood pretty much looks the same, but it was sad because once upon a time- this house was the prettiest on the block. now it's kind of an eyesore. i guess it made me sad too because i had memories come back to me from when life was just so simple, and easy, and good. when i called this place home, i had my WHOLE ENTIRE life ahead of me! i can't help but think of what life would have turned out like, had i known then all of the dreadful things about life, that i know now.
ANYway... i think that may have stirred something inside of me, and today i woke up feeling okay about considering a life here again. i had a meeting today with a committee i joined at work called 'possi-com.' i had asked to join when i first started working because i thought it might be a good way to get more involved. today was our first meeting, and i felt myself feeling excited about the opportunity to plan fun events and gatherings to have within the company. i loved planning events professionally, and im excited to be a part of this team. we'll plan things like company-wide bar-b-ques, and ice cream socials. someone in the meeting mentioned how we donate any leftover food from the events to the local boys and girls club, and for a second i caught myself thinking about the future, and how fun it would be to get involved there and to become a "big sister." i guess the point that im making here is that today was the first time in a long, long time that i would catch myself thinking about a life HERE, instead of missing my life THERE. interesting.
ive realized something else kind of interesting lately too- i came here so that i could be near all of my oldest friends... i planned to lean on them, be a part of their lives, and have the support i thought id need to get through this tough time. ive mentioned before feeling so disappointed in the outcome of that expectation... while im not mad about those "oldest friends" being busy living their chaotic lives, it is admittedly NOT what id expected! but lately, ive been having such fun with NEW friends, that im beginning to wonder if THAT'S another reason i needed to come here... to be around my old friends, yes- but also, to make new friends and to build and invest in NEW relationships.
all of this to say- i am feeling torn. there are pros and cons for staying here and for going back. how about we make a list of each, shall we?
PROS for staying in COLORADO:
-i have a good, reliable job that i love. it provides me with all necessary benefits, and the opportunity to have a career- to stay long-term, and to move and grow.
-i have old friends here, and i have my really fun new friends here too. (new friends, that seem to come out of the woodwork daily!)
-my brother and my sister-in-law (who i love and ALWAYS have a TON of fun with!) live here, and i like being able to see them often.
-colorado is MINE. it has not, and never will have anything at all to do with a life lived with eric. no memories of my life with him are here. and that's refreshing.
-this is still the prettiest place on earth.
CONS for staying in COLORADO:
-this place is crazy expensive.
-i miss my friends.
-i miss the plantinga/bonnett clan like mad.
PROS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-inexpensive!
-great, fun friends. (there are only just a couple, but they rock my face off!)
-my mom and dad are a days drive away.
-the plantinga/bonnett clan bring me happiness and fill my heart with joy.
CONS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-i would feel like an idiot for going back.
-i have no job there and would essentially be completely starting over in that department.
-the summers are hotter than hell and i hate it.
-memories of my life with eric might haunt me.
-i could run into eric at any point in time, and then what?
based on the above list of pros/cons, does it seems like staying here wins? kinda seems that way to me, but im not ready to own that just yet.
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