1) eric is an idiot. seriously. apparently he didn't like that i texted his stupid girlfriend today (yes- the one he cheated on me with...) and called verizon and had my phone line suspended. apparently he lied to them and said i lost my phone. what a fool. first of all- it's MY damn account! the ONLY reason you are even still on the account is because i am a kind individual, and because you make the payments. but how on earth do you really think suspending my phone line is going to teach me a lesson? number 1? he knows i have another phone ready and available to use. number 2? im the account holder you dumb ass! ALL i hafta do is call and explain what a lying sack of shit you are, and they will immediately lift the suspension. then he wants to call me completely schmammered (not cool- just annoying btw), and tell me he never did anything of the sort. o.m.g. im so done.
2) good friends are hard to find. but something ive realized is that when you find em? you need to hold on for dear sweet life. ive spent a lot of time chatting with my friend ashley this weekend. ashley- who i used to spend hours on the phone chatting with in my old life, but once i got here and completely flip flopped schedules, wasn't able to talk as much. ashley was the one id call when id wake up in the middle of the night this past summer to find eric completely gone. it never mattered what time it was- she answered. ashley was the one that when the divorce was finally underway, talked to me on the phone till i just couldnt possibly talk anymore at night, so that i didn't hafta cry myself to sleep. she was the main person who stepped up, and was a friend to me like i would have been to any friend of mine going through a similar sitch. and ya know what's funny? we haven't been able to talk NEARLY as much as we used to since i moved here (because she is two hours ahead time wise, and as we know with my work schedule i am always up until 4am and sleep till 1pm, and am working in the hours in between...), but when we DO get to talk, it's as if no time has passed by at all. we pick up right from where we left off. i love her. and she loves me. and i would do anything to help her. and she would do anything to help me. it was the same feeling when i talked to my friends josh and kellee from nashville yesterday... we've not talked as much as we did when i lived there because of time differences and schedules and stuff, but when we do? it's like no time has passed at all. that's what i like to call a "heart friend." it's as if our hearts choose each other, without our minds having any say in the matter. our hearts are friends, and therefore it doesn't matter what type of messy life stuff keeps you from talking regularly- when you DO get to talk, it feels just like home. and though each of these sweet souls are far from me right now, i am realizing that i am still rich beyond words. even though the friendships here are lacking, and are NOTHING like i thought they would be... i have heart friends... real, true heart friends. i should spend some more time being thankful for that.
3) i am going to loose some weight. yup. it's happening. and im not going to make it some big deal either. im just going to do it. and i suspect it'll be a lot easier than any other time ive tried to diet within the last 5 years because i don't have eric around, eating mcdonalds and pepperoni sandwiches. i have no desire to cook delicious home made meals each night because... well? first of all? im working. and second of all? there's no one to share them with. ive found since moving that i eat way less anyway. it's an annoyance when i feel my stomach starting to rumble really. i think "oh great! what am i gonna do about that?" i just dont eat as much... and that's good. so im going to make sure when i AM eating it's healthier options, and im sure the weight loss will go great. oh and ps- 70 is the magic number. if i could loose 70 pounds, i would be a skinny girl. something i know nothing about. lol.
4) it's snowing outside. UHgain. and im OVER it. when i lived in colorado before- it did. not. snow. like- ever. we may have gotten one snow storm (that may have consisted of a few inches) a year. but now? this is like the 4th or 5th time since moving here that it's really snowing! my first week here it dumped like a foot or something crazy like that. granted- i have "the beast" to get me around town safely, but sheesh! don't you know that my dog does not like to poop in the snow? this makes for a real bad time. i wish whoever is deciding this weather would realize it's really just NOT in our best interest! duh.
5) i was asked to be in my friend's wedding (which is in august) last summer, and of course i happily said "yes!" she was in my wedding, and i was so glad to have her there. so when she asked me i of course was thrilled. ive realized though, now that my circumstances have changed so dramatically since she asked me to be in it, and since my life has completely been flip flopped upside down, that there is just no way, absolutely NO way, i can afford such a venture financially. im operating on this march 31st deadline, i don't make enough to support myself financially out here, i don't have a bed... or a lamp... or a dish... i need so many things, and i still have this debt hanging over my head that was left in my stupid name from the divorce... i just can't do it. the wedding is in chicago, and id have to fly there and back, stay in a hotel the entire time im there, buy a dress (which i just learned is like $300... BEFORE tax/alterations, etc), pay for food, and transportation. how on earth am i going to be able to do THAT? so i decided the right thing to do was to explain the situation and let her know i just can't be there. except that didn't really go over so well. she began to immediately insist that she and her fiance pay for all of my expenses. (money i KNOW they DO NOT have!) and ill be honest. i can't do it. i can't let them pay my way like that. and i can't pay my own way. i can't go. and i know i can't go, but she's not taking no for an answer- so what do i do? i cannot allow them to pull money from their honeymoon or their wedding to pay for me. i can't. im trying to get used to the idea, but it's just not happening... im kinda stuck.
6) i spend a lot of time in my room. like- a lot. my roomate has her bf sleep over all the time, which ordinarily would mean nothing. except that they don't sleep in the same room/bed as each other, and he is sent to sleep on the couch. which is essentially in the middle of the house- the kitchen/laundry/family/dining room are therefore completely off limits. the house becomes pitch black dark and completely shut down at like 9 o'clock, and everyone is to then scurry off to their rooms in quiet. so yeah- my bb and i have gotten to know these four walls quite well over these last several weeks! :) i think when we leave here, we might actually miss them.
7) my youth minister from high school has a son i grew up with named jarrett. and he is married to one of the most beautiful real-life girls ive ever seen. her name is chelsea. and they have these three amazing boys, peyton, conner and trek. well trek is their youngest (just 8 months) and they just learned he has a really rare disease called neimann pick type a. there is no cure or treatment for this disease, and apparently it is quite awful. they are now having to deal with knowing their days are limited as a family of five, because trek is not expected to live past age 2/3. isn't that the most terrible thing you've ever, ever heard? he's so sweet too- has these ginormous blue eyes and this adorable little smile. and he's dying. and it's sad. it's just absolutely heart breaking. when i think of them (which is often with all my "alone" time...) i just cry. i wish there was something i could say, or something to do. but the reality is that there is not. this will be the hardest thing they will ever have to deal with and i don't envy them one bit. there's nothing i can to change it or ease their pain. i just can cry right along with them, and pray right along with them... im conflicted about what to pray for though- do i pray for a miracle? or do i pray for peace?
8) truth be told, im not really convinced ill be staying here in colorado much longer. im sure you're thinking im crazy huh? but the truth is that i am not happy here- like at all. and it doesn't have much to do with the fact that i am without eric either. that is what it is. it needs to be that way because he is, has always been, and will always continue to be a con artist. but it's more to do with just not feeling like this is a good fit. ya know? it's weird cause i miss nashville SO much. and if im being honest- if i were to find a job there tomorrow id be gone. in a red. hot. minute. i think it became a part of me. i regret leaving so much. i think ive always regretted it, but have tredged onward each day hoping and praying for some type of something to happen that makes this life just work. now im starting to wonder if that's just not going to happen. so yeah- colorado will probably end up only being a landing zone for a small period of time. and it makes me happy to know it's just me that i need to worry about. i am free to be and live wherever it is i choose to be and live. i am free to consider my own well being and happiness first. i will say though- that i am extremely disappointed in this scenario not working out. im disappointed in people, in situations, in the snow that just keeps on coming (lol)... one thing i am never disappointed in though- is the beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis. this place is gorgeous. so yeah- that's that. i guess ill write when i make some type of decision. but for now my decision is that this will not be for long. i feel freedom in that.
8) oh! did i mention i learned today that my divorce will be final january 25th? yes. that's 8 days away. i will always cherish and think fondly on our good times. i will probably be sad often that they could not last for longer. but at this moment, i am confident that it is as it should be. i hope to cherish what was good, and leave what was bad. i don't want this changing me for good. will i ever get married again? umm... probably not for a looooooooooonnnnggggg time. lol. but i guess it's not entirely out of the question for me. we'll have to see.
im closing for now. be blessed and as always- be thankful.
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