moving on.

i am starting to get really excited about finding a place of my own! i really feel like it is the final step i need to take, to conclude what has been known as "the nightmare of 2011" in my life. it's like the final step to getting a life of my OWN back. when i met eric, i had it all together. i had my own place, filled with brand new furniture, a job, a brand new car. i was in school full time, and working full time. i had my shit together. now, i have nothing. at this point bristol anne has more furniture than i do, because she's at least got a crate! lol. i have no dishes, or sofa, or lamps... i have no bed... i have no nothing. i think getting all of the essentials back, in a place of my own is essential to moving on and closing this horrific chapter in my life.

the problem im having at this point, is finding a place that is affordable. i really need to be close to work so that i can run home on my hour long lunch break to spend some time with b and let her out. im thinking the drive can be up to 15 minutes, cause then id at least have 30 minutes with her to be out and stuff before having to head back in. so far, the majority of the places are $800 and over, and honestly? that's just too much. crazy since i had a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhome in nashville for $800! here? no way! i would prefer to not go above $750... that's like the tip top of my budget. so let's all begin to wish, and hope, and think, and pray for a place that is really close to work, and less than $750/month! my only conditions are that it be in an okay area since ill be all alone (and needing to let bristol out when i get home at 2am), and that it be close to work. it doesn't have to be pretty even! (which is HUGE for me!) just close to work, and safe.

one thing that kinda makes me sad is that i feel like it's going to be like forever before im able to say "ive done it. ive bounced back." though ill likely have a place of my own within the upcoming months, it will undoubtedly be pretty empty for quite some time. :/ that'll probably be hard for me. it will take lots of patience and hard work. ill have to save every single dime to be able to buy a sofa for myself (off of craigslist no less!) in like a year!

i wish i could do it all right this second! i wish so badly that i could just go get an apartment, and fill it with lots of cute things, like tomorrow! i feel like emotionally im at that point where i just want this whole thing to be DONE and OVER with. a distant memory! in my rearview mirror! and the longer im in this stupid "in between" phase, the harder it is to feel that way!

jessica's bridal shower.

i had a bridal shower for my friend jessica who is getting married soon yesterday, and i thought id post a few pics of how it came out. i think it was a smashing success! we had a great turn out, with lotsa good food, and great gifts! enjoy...

just in case someone forgot who the bride was i guess....

the bride with her new darmstedter sisters.

 

the favors... i found the cutest, teency, tiny, little glass jars... filled em with delicious candy and tied them with a bow. (thank you shannon, emily, kacie, maddie and taryn for the help!)

the centerpiece flowers. the color scheme for the shower was white, light pink and that fun blue.

the bride with her mom, and the groom's mom stephanie.

white chocolate covered strawberries. mmm.

 

the bride with her baby girl isabelle who spent the entire time (no really- the ENTIRE time) gathering up all of the pink and white heart shaped confetti. :)

im glad it turned out to be so fun, and that everyone seemed to have a good time. next up? the bachelorette party! look out.

weird

what's funny is that more times than i can count, my mom and i will decide the same things about a situation, 100's of miles apart. every time it happens, we are both delighted to learn we are somehow just in sync. just thought id share.

good things are coming. get ready.

home.

my mind is kind of scatter brained right now... im thinking of lots of different things all at the same time. does that ever happen to you? this is the reason i can't ever seem to fall asleep until 4am. there's a lot going on, and it seems when i get home at the end of the night, i finally have time to think things through.

first of all, for the first time in a long time ive felt today that living here might just work. im not sure why, or what caused me to feel this way... nothing has dramatically changed or happened, i just feel myself thinking more about creating a life here, than creating a life somewhere else. it might just be possible. i think if i were able to magically transplant the few friends in nashville i feel lost without, id be wanting to stay here in a heartbeat. maybe it has something to do with this...

this is my old house. not the one i moved away from to go off into the world on my own, but the one we moved to when we first arrived in colorado. i was 12 when this became my home, and i was 19 when i left it. lots of amazing memories were made in this house. as you can see, it is for sale at the moment (and vacant), so i was able to go onto the porch and peak in the windows and snoop. :) it was hugely nastalgic to say the least. as i looked through the windows, and saw the same wood floors my dad spent tireless hours laying down, and the new white carpet my mom was so excited to install, and the crown molding my dad made and hung all by himself, i finally began to feel at home. i saw my childhood flash before me in an instant. i remembered family christmas', home-schooling, the smell of home made bread, going off to prom, graduating high school, when the rowell family came to visit, and seeing my grandmother in this house for the very last time. while it has undoubtedly changed a LOT, it was like something clicked for me inside.

i also found myself feeling a little bit sad too because the place just isn't what it was when my family lived there. it looks so sad and lonely. when we called this place home, the house was painted this pretty cream color, and it had crisp white trim. the shutters were black, and those flower beds in front of the porch and behind those gorgeous rock walls were always filled with beautifully colored flowers. the yard was always, always, always well manicured, and the garage door didn't have that tilt in it toward the bottom. if i were able, i would buy this place up in a heartbeat, and make it my own again. the neighborhood pretty much looks the same, but it was sad because once upon a time- this house was the prettiest on the block. now it's kind of an eyesore. i guess it made me sad too because i had memories come back to me from when life was just so simple, and easy, and good. when i called this place home, i had my WHOLE ENTIRE life ahead of me! i can't help but think of what life would have turned out like, had i known then all of the dreadful things about life, that i know now.

ANYway... i think that may have stirred something inside of me, and today i woke up feeling okay about considering a life here again. i had a meeting today with a committee i joined at work called 'possi-com.' i had asked to join when i first started working because i thought it might be a good way to get more involved. today was our first meeting, and i felt myself feeling excited about the opportunity to plan fun events and gatherings to have within the company. i loved planning events professionally, and im excited to be a part of this team. we'll plan things like company-wide bar-b-ques, and ice cream socials. someone in the meeting mentioned how we donate any leftover food from the events to the local boys and girls club, and for a second i caught myself thinking about the future, and how fun it would be to get involved there and to become a "big sister." i guess the point that im making here is that today was the first time in a long, long time that i would catch myself thinking about a life HERE, instead of missing my life THERE. interesting.

ive realized something else kind of interesting lately too- i came here so that i could be near all of my oldest friends... i planned to lean on them, be a part of their lives, and have the support i thought id need to get through this tough time. ive mentioned before feeling so disappointed in the outcome of that expectation... while im not mad about those "oldest friends" being busy living their chaotic lives, it is admittedly NOT what id expected! but lately, ive been having such fun with NEW friends, that im beginning to wonder if THAT'S another reason i needed to come here... to be around my old friends, yes- but also, to make new friends and to build and invest in NEW relationships.

all of this to say- i am feeling torn. there are pros and cons for staying here and for going back. how about we make a list of each, shall we?

PROS for staying in COLORADO:
-i have a good, reliable job that i love. it provides me with all necessary benefits, and the opportunity to have a career- to stay long-term, and to move and grow.
-i have old friends here, and i have my really fun new friends here too. (new friends, that seem to come out of the woodwork daily!)
-my brother and my sister-in-law (who i love and ALWAYS have a TON of fun with!) live here, and i like being able to see them often.
-colorado is MINE. it has not, and never will have anything at all to do with a life lived with eric. no memories of my life with him are here. and that's refreshing.
-this is still the prettiest place on earth.

CONS for staying in COLORADO:
-this place is crazy expensive.
-i miss my friends.
-i miss the plantinga/bonnett clan like mad.



PROS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-inexpensive!
-great, fun friends. (there are only just a couple, but they rock my face off!)
-my mom and dad are a days drive away.
-the plantinga/bonnett clan bring me happiness and fill my heart with joy.

CONS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-i would feel like an idiot for going back.
-i have no job there and would essentially be completely starting over in that department.
-the summers are hotter than hell and i hate it.
-memories of my life with eric might haunt me.
-i could run into eric at any point in time, and then what?

based on the above list of pros/cons, does it seems like staying here wins? kinda seems that way to me, but im not ready to own that just yet.

today was a big day...

so, after a long haul and almost 5 whole months later i am finally divorced. as of this morning actually.... my lawyer went to court on my behalf at 9am today, and presented my statement id sent since i could not be there in person. (though i would have liked to... i love nashville and would give anything for a good excuse to go visit!)

i never really knew what to expect to feel on this day. it's been looming all this time, and ill be honest.... sometimes ive dreaded it, sometimes ive questioned whether or not it was what is right... sometimes ive been annoyed at the idea that on this day i would offically have the lovely "divorcee" stigma attached to me. (something MUST be wrong with me... right?) but in all honesty, today was a good day. i spent more time laughing hysterically with my work bff mike, than i could have ever imagined. i wasn't sad, there were no tears... and i didn't even feel like the failure i did at the beginning of this whole mess. i basically have just felt content. content with my situation, and with the outcome. content with knowing that there are brighter things ahead. content with knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there really isn't ANYthing wrong with ME... it's actually HIM who has the problem. i just mostly felt at peace. i am SO pleased to report this news, because like id said- i didn't know what types of emotions this day would bring, and im glad it turned out to be okay. im so thankful i was able to get to this place of acceptance and healing BEFORE this day... i think that made it easier.

my friends at work are so sweet, and remembered what today was for me. they even brought me a little, teeny, tiny cake to celebrate, and we made sure it was a good time had by all! see pictures below.

(don't mind the lack of make up... it's not allowed at work!)

so there you have it. i am divorced. these last nine months of my life have been a roller coaster  (nine months ago is when i intially learned of the affair) ... probably the hardest ive ever endured! let me be clear- i dont regret fighting for my marriage. and though my efforts did not in the end pay off as id hoped, it is a satisfying feeling to know that i did all that i could do. so.... now i can officially begin looking toward my future. it is a refreshing feeling to know that i have nothing and no one holding me back. now the only question is.... what's next??

freakishly long fingers

today has been rough.

so ive realized that sometimes it's the little things that really get to you when you're under stress. i feel like ive walked with my head held relatively high for the last 8 months of my nightmarish life amidst all of the ridiculous and foul scenarios that have presented themselves. yet today... i found myself flustered and annoyed even, at a guy i work with. the "talker" (as i like to call him) was a real ass hole today. yesterday, he thought it necessary to look down at my hands (while i sat, minding my own business, not even talking to him...) and announce to the group in the most disgusted of tones, "woah, you have REALLY long fingers...." i looked up at him a bit shocked, and said, "well im tall for a girl. im 5"8... like- how tall are you?" thinking maybe i could get him to understand that yes- my fingers are longer than his, and it's probably because he's a good 3 inches shorter than me. then tonight he decided to keep it going by bringing it up again, and telling some other guy, "no seriously dude! look at her hands! they're so "weird-looking!" i told him to stop while he was ahead and he came back with some snide remark. i ended up just walking away like i did the times he chose to inform me that my dog was "ugly" and "the ugliest dog ive ever seen." later in the night, i was sitting with a friend, and we were chatting amongst ourselves, when he decided to walk by and make fun of my hands again! i eventually said to him, "listen- if you knew the week i was having, you'd really feel bad for being so mean to me right now." when he continued, my friend and i said at almost the exact same time, "just go away!" (he then acted put out for the rest of the evening.)

i know i shouldn't let stupid idiots get to me, but im having a rough day. it's not like i care what he thinks of my hands, but what baffles me the most is how an individual in a work-place, professional environment could be so blatently rude like that... it is beyond me. most days, when im feeling alright i just blow him off. but today has been a hard day... and tomorrow might be even harder... so it seems it's the smallest, most pointless and ridiculous things that get me feeling flustered or upset.

so.... for all of you curious folks out there... i present to you a picture of my hand with the "weirdly" long fingers. feel free to get on board with the talker, slap a scarlett letter on my chest and throw me outta town. :)

nashville faves:

ive been missing nashville a lot today, so i thought id post about some of my all time favorites from the place that became a part of me. enjoy.

centennial park. isn't it gorgeous??? there's a great trail that surrounds this little pond and bristol and i have spent many of nights out walking the trail, and enjoying the gorgeous scenery. love.

las paletas- privately owned and operated by two sisters who decided to start a business selling their popcycles. i love it not just because it's a local, small business, but because these things are unlike anything you've ever had in your life. perfect on a hot summer day!

there's nothing quite like fall in nashville. every tree turns some beautiful, bright color, there's a crispness in the air, and it is absolutely gorgeous!

ahh, the ryman auditorium. this place just oozes magic. it was the original home of the grand ole opry, and im not joking when i say the minute you step foot inside the auditorium, you immediately feel as though you're a part of something bigger... something special. i love this place. the history is really something, and the acoustics are to die for.

one of my all time favorite things was the nashville farmers market. it was incredible! i would go there on saturdays, to buy all of my fresh fruits/veggies. i always thought it was so beautiful. not just because of the vibrantly colored fruits and veggies filling the baskets either. there was such a sense of community there, and i loved that!

if you're looking for some good southern cooking, this is the place to go! this place has the BEST bisquits you will ever, ever have! if you ever find yourself in our around nashville? you MUST stop here!!!

every year, spring arrives with a bang. the blooming magnolia trees are everywhere you turn. their gorgeous, vibrant, pink flowers make it impossible to ignore that spring has arrived in nashville, and you cant help but feel excited!!!

jack's bbq. mmm. my mouth waters just thinking of their delicious, fall-off-the-bone ribs and chicken! they have a variety of delicious sauces too! this is for sure the best bbq in town!

and of course- how can i possibly mention nashville favorites without talking about these three sweet souls? i miss them so, so much. i love them in a really big, special way.

so there you have it... if you ever make it to nashville that's my two cents on where you might want to go for some good food/fun. i never realized i would miss it like i do. i came here, thinking it was home without realizing IT had become my home. which makes sense really.... i left here when i was so young, and i went there and found myself. i figured out who i was, and who i wasn't. what i wanted out of life, and what i didn't. i spent years building a life for myself, and working to make it my home, so why am i surprised now to realize that it IS my home?  i feel like i willingly gave nashville up in my divorce- as if it was his to take from me. but what i failed to realize is that i chose nashville for reasons of my own. i fell in love with nashville before i ever even knew he existed. though i can see how and why colorado has been good for me in many ways, i miss nashville on a daily basis.

ode to you've got mail

i saw the movie you've got mail in the theater when it very first came out. i must have been like 16... i think i was with rhonda. i fell in love the very first time i watched it. i couldn't wait for it to come out on VHS so that i could buy it immediately. i remember my high school sweet heart ben bought it for me the very first day it came out, and i (of course) was thrilled. i had it on ALL THE TIME! i had one of those box tv's that had the VCR inside (very hype and ahead of the game) and i watched it so much that i quickly learned every word. i watched it until the music on the movie sounded funny... i killed the video from over-using it. soooo.... i moved on to the DVD. i got it on DVD several years ago, and have continued watching it ALL THE TIME! it provides me with some sort of unexplainable comfort. it has been my friend through every break up... im watching it now for what could quite possibly be like the zillionth time and i love it just the same. i guess it just made me think... it's so funny to me how i value consistency. this has been my all time fave for almost 14 years now... it's my oldest and most successful relationship yet! go me! :)

a few quick thoughts

it was so refreshing to spend time with the lovely jenny melvin, and her adorable family this weekend. (and not just because it's SO much better than sitting at home alone all the time either!) i knew from her facebook page, that she was great. when i met her in person though, it felt like id known her for forever! i had SUCH a fun time with her- just chatting, and laughing, and hearing about her life. she is so young, but so wise, and so smart. thank you jenny melvin, for showing me such an amazing time! im excited to be your friend.

natalie is doing LOADS better, so thank you all for the prayers and good vibes you've sent her way. she opened her eyes, and seems to recognize each of her family members. this is great news because it indicates there is no brain damage. thank goodness! she was taken off of her ventilator today, and isn't entirely breathing on her own, but is breathing well with the help of the little tubes-in-your-nostril thingys. keep the prayers coming, cause they're working, and im sure she still has a long haul ahead of her.

im at a point now where i am actually beginning to look forward to my future. instead of just hanging on for dear sweet life, and trying to survive, i actually feel myself getting my spirit back. the one that makes me, me. im starting to look ahead, and feel positive, and good about moving forward. gone are the days when i look at my future with complete dread, and wonder how in the world ill go it alone. this is so refreshing. i think i might finally be beginning the healing process with regards to my divorce. and this is not to say that my hard times are over- im sure i have many sad moments ahead. but i guess it's just so nice to finally be at peace with regards to this divorce, and to be able to look into my future in a positive light. took me a long while to get here, but praise god! i made it! :) to those of you who have helped me get here... thank you. you know who you are... thank you.

i had a good, long chat with my mom tonight and it was fun. we don't get to have those nearly enough these days. but tonight, we chatted for hours and i loved every minute of it. she's being so supportive, and so loving towards me. i am blessed to have her, i really, really, really am.

welp? that's about all for now... be blessed friends. and as always... be thankful.

abc's

a) yes, actually.... i DID just arrive home after a long and kind of tretchurous day at work, followed by an hour spent in the grocery store, and lock my keys in my car.... WITH said groceries stuck inside. yup. that's me. i did that... just now. nice. BUT... it's 3am, and im certainly not paying premium prices to get those keys out now! the groceries will be fine... they'll be waiting there for me tomorrow... at least they have my keys inside to keep them company.

b) after spending a good ten minutes throwing the top of her head into my chest to give hugs and to get lovins, bristol anne has now climbed under the covers and is kissing my toe.

c) i finally said once and for all that i just couldn't do the wedding (that i'd mentioned a few days ago), and my friend responded by telling me how disappointing that was. all i could say was i am sorry. i feel really bad. i hope one day, even if it's far from now, she will understand.

d) i learned today that mike's sister natalie has started breathing a bit better on her own, but she's not off the respirator completely. AND her kidney started to work correctly. progress is progress, and im thankful it's been a positive day for he and his family. never the less- continue to pray!

e) i was thinking tonight about how id really like to buy a nice camera and start taking pictures. that sounds so fun. will undoubtedly never happen (at least not anytime in the near future...) but it's a thought, and i figured id share.

f) got to talk to josh tonight. he cheers me up. there's something to be said for a bestie. we just "click." always have kind of... not many people really understand our connection. but that's ok- we do. and it brings each of us comfort and joy when we need it most.

g) also got to talk to rhonda today. she's moving to new mexico! kind of exciting stuff!

h) sometimes (even when you don't think you've done anything wrong) it's best to just say "im sorry." this avoids drama. ive definitely learned that recently.

i) tomorrow's my last work day for the week- which means the weekend is looming. im already dreading it. but i think ive got something scheduled for friday during the day at least... so that eliminates one whole day of sitting alone in my little bedroom. i really hope it works out cause it's with what seems to be a really fun girl ive wanted to get to know for awhile.

j) i heard from michelle today on facebook. she said my little baby is talking a lot these days... i just can't imagine. last time we chatted she put sophie on the phone. when i said "hi sophie!" she promptly responded and said "hi!" and then i said "awww, i love you sophie." and she said "i wuv you too." to me it was clear as day. it melted my heart. i miss her so much! she said jenna claire is just as sassy as ever, and that rossi p got glasses! im sad to be missing the goings on of their daily lives. i wish i could squeeze them right this minute.

k) i think my mom might come out for a visit in march. this makes me happy. i love her.

l) have you ever met someone who just doesn't know when to stop talking? yeah- i work with one of those, and quite frankly he is exhausting!

m) i need to remember to call my insurance company tomorrow (right AFTER i call a locksmith...) to see about my insurance card. it never arrived... and i am really anxious to see a dermatologist. i want perfect skin.

n) update on the nail sticky on thingys i mentioned earlier this week- they are staying on like a champ. and im getting lotsa compliments on them.

o) tonight i made a girl mad at work. she said i was a bitch. this bothered me a little, but not much. i know im not a bitch. but ya know what? at the end of the shift, i waited for her and i walked right up and apologized for making her think i was a rude bitch, and explained that was really never my intention. i think this surprised her a little. see? im an adult. and i think it's a bit more effective to speak to the person about it, rather than going behind their back and name calling. what is this? 7th grade? anyway... i said sorry, and i think she felt bad. and then i left. see? sometimes it IS just best to apologize... that should be my new motto! "when all else fails? just say you're sorry!"

p) has anyone else ever had one of those nights where they lay in bed, and it feels like you hafta really try to make the muscles in your body relax? i usually feel that way after work... i think it's from standing so much.

q) have i ever mentioned that alison krause is like my all time FAVE? her voice is like butter.

r) before leaving nashville bristol was so thin! not even 50 lbs! i think it was because she sensed all of the stress around her. she is really intuitive like that. well, im happy to report that NOW.... she is looking fabulous! you can't even see one rib! it's cause i feed her twice a day like 2-3 cups of puppy chow.

s) i need a pedicure something awful!

t) i got post cards for my besties in nashville today. i think if i were a kid, it'd be really fun to get post cards from colorado... you?

u) i think i might move back to nashville. it is home... not this... not here. ive really felt this way for awhile, but feel really ashamed and stupid for leaving in the first place. feels like just another failure to add to the list. oh well. something great about being a "party of 1" is that i get to decide where i should be. just me! and no one else.

v) i will say though, that being in colorado has in some ways been good for me. i think it gave me the clearly defined "break" i needed from eric. had i stayed in nashville this whole time, my assumption is that i would have more than likely continued seeing him on a regular basis, as i did before leaving. this would have made it impossible to feel okay with the circumstances. i needed the time just away to deal. i needed it to get perspective. i needed it to realize i really am okay without him. so yeah- while i don't think i want colorado long term... i can see how and why it benefited me in this way. and that is good.

w) maryellen willis always sounded better than maryellen adams anyway, huh?

x) i wish i had uggs. i want the black ones that are made of sweater material, and have really cute, big buttons on the sides. too bad they're so stupid expensive. and too bad im broke. oh well.

y) i kinda get annoyed with people who in friendships are just all about taking. take. take. take. i. i. i. me. me. me. ive been known to be the notorious giver to a fault. im the "yes" girl. im always there. and it seems that when I am the one who ends up needing the friend, my friends don't know how to react... it's like theyre not used to that. well- not all of them... but some. and that's awkward.

z) now i plan to go and see if last night's episode of parenthood or teen mom 2 is online yet.... i can't wait!

be blessed friends, and as always- be thankful.

tuesday

it used to be that i just couldn't wait for work to end so that i could go and live my happy, little life and have fun. i can remember counting down the hours and days till the weekend would come. friday would roll around and id be praising jesus, and enthusiastically greeting the day. i just knew the weekend would be filled with fun times. my time off was my time to live life. and it wasn't that i hated my job either! i loved my job and my babies! i just loved living my happy, little life on the weekends too... a lot!

now it's completely opposite! lol. i went into work today, and it was such a pleasure to be around actual human beings. after spending almost four entire days at home, ALL alone, with NOTHING to do, and having very limited human interaction (that is usually how my weekends go...), i felt so relieved to walk into work and to see a room full of breathing, living people. ive made one friend at work and he is fabulous. does it surprise you at all that within the first week of working at allosource, i immediately found myself hooked up with the young, good looking gay guy, chatting and having fun? it doesn't surprise me one bit... seems to happen in each city i live. anyway- mike is his name, and he trained me. i appreciate him not just for taking the time to do a stellar job training me- i feel absolutely confident in performing my job because HE took the time to make it that way. i remember feeling so overwhelmed when i started... anyway- i also appreciate him because he has offered me a friendship to have at work. and that means something. i was touched today because he said things like "im glad we're paired together today, because i really just don't wanna be around anyone else but you." and "i really think it's cool that it seems we met at the perfect time." and "i think ryan (that's our supervisor) let me work with you today because he knew i was having a rough time, and that id be better off with you all day than any of the others." it meant something to me that he said those things.

i need everyone to send really positive and good vibes, and lotsa prayers to mike and his family right now. his little sister (she is 24) has always had health problems, but on sunday night she was in a lot of pain, took a pain pill and went to bed. at some point in the night, she threw up, but was apparently so "out of it" from the pain pill, that she never woke up and she choked on her own vomit. she completely stopped breathing, and was found at 9am- grey and with purple lips. her mom immediately called 911, and they were able to resesitate her, but no one has any idea what is going to happen next. she is in the ICU, in a coma. they have said that because theyre not sure how long she went without oxygen it's impossible to know what kind of damage was done to her brain/other organs. they said that it could be minimal, or it could be severe, but they won't know until she is awake. they also said she could go at any moment, and that these next 24 - 48 hours are absolutely critical. what's worse is that mike was home in utah this past weekend, and the last conversation he had with her, was him trying desperately to convince her to keep fighting to live. she's been so, so sick, for so, so long, and was telling him she just is "done" fighting. he begged her to fight. he yelled at her for saying those things. he pleaded with her, saying she has so much life left to live. and then that very night, she choked on her vomit and now this... right now we need natalie to fight. if she has any hope of surviving, she is going to have to will herself back to life. i can't possibly stand to see my friend loose his sister, and have the rest of his life to think about his last conversation with her being with him begging her to keep fighting, while she said "no." i guess more than anything though, we need to pray for peace. peace for natalie, and peace for the family as they are in this terrible waiting period and are beside themselves with worry. peace that knowing whatever is meant to be, will be. peace that it will all work out as it should.

once again- this puts things into perspective for me. i am sad to say that there have been these situations over the past year that are absolutely terrible, and that teach me about keeping my perspective and trying to be thankful for what IS going right. it started last april when mike doucette lost his fight and died. i was shocked and saddened beyond words. i was reminded what really matters. then jamie caulk lost his life this past fall- this young, great looking guy... just died. now there's this. sometimes i think my life is so confusing, and frustrating and not what id hoped it would be, but then there are times like this that i feel stupid for being so selfish. the bottom line is that my mom and dad are healthy. my brothers and my sister in law are healthy... i am healthy. my friends are healthy. wondering if i should stay in colorado or go? stressing about finances? being mad that the husband i loved ruined our marriage, and now i hafta go it alone? NONE of it matters. it's so sad to me that nine times outta ten it takes absolutely shitty situations to remind me of that. im ashamed.

a few fun favorites:

i just realized my blog's been pretty stinkin lame and kinda stupid lately. the past several posts ive written are for the most part all serious... about real life stuff and that's just no fun. so i thought id write a post about a few of my faves at the moment... which is what this blog was originally kind of geared toward (light hearted-ness, etc). enjoy.

mmmm. hard salami. there's nothing quite like it. and though i know it's SO bad for you, i just can't help myself from sneaking into the kitchen, grabbing a few slices, rolling it up in a thin little roll and chomping it right on down. it's just so delish!

okay so i had seen these a few months ago and wondered about them. i think they're pretty rockstar fun. but i wasn't sure how they worked, and if they'd even be worth the hassle. well.... im here to tell you... they are worth the hassle. they really werent that tricky once i got the hang of it! and they've stayed on fabulously! i picked mine up at walgreens- they have all different fun kinds to choose from. definitely, definitely a new fave!

my mama. this is my all time favorite picture of her. it's just so "her." in her flanny nightgown, with her cute little smile. isn't she great? ive thought so much in these past few weeks about how ive never known anyone more reliable than my mom. she is so loyal. and so loving. i love her and though we sometimes have our differences- she is most definitely my favorite person on the planet. i simply do not know what in the world id do without her.

okay- so im sure you're thinking "what the hell is THAT?" and let me explain. i was exhausted as i began my travels to new york to visit my family for christmas. id been up almost the entire night before with working late and packing, and i was just tired. and kinda grumpy. but then i turned around while riding the train and i saw this... there she was- all decked out in christmas gear, passed OUT on the little airport train. and when i say out? i mean OUT. that thing kinda jerks you all over with all the turns, and that lady who yells at you on the recording for staying clear of the doors isn't exactly "quiet." but this lady just had the nicest of naps as she slept peacefully in her little santa hat. it was in that moment that i decided to find joy in the little things throughout my trechurous day of travels, and that really helped to get me through.

 ive also enjoyed several of these over the course of this last week. so easy to cook and delicious every time. it was a childhood fave, and there's just nothing quite as good. :)

okay- have you seen this?? i mean for real. i had never even heard of it, and my mom knew we didn't have cable so she bought me seasons 1 and 2 for christmas. oh my gosh, it's so good! and addicting! i wouldn't just start watching now (although if you're wondering it comes on, on tuesday nights...) but id really recommend going back to season 1 to start from the beginning. i watched all of season 1 and 2 and then hadta get online to get all caught up on season 3. i love this show!

 i saw these on sale at safeway last week and i snatched them up quick. i haven't done any sort of whitening in so long. i was a bit reluctant cause id never tried the aquafresh ones- usually i would do the crest. but these REALLY work! the first few days i noticed some irritation of my gums and my teeth being a bit sensitive, but that went away soon after i got into the routine of using them. it's a 7 day pack- 45 minutes a day, and they work! do it!

could not put this down. seriously. saw the movie and wasn't as impressed as i was with the book. the book was fabulous and i highly reccomend reading it if you get a good solid 3 days where you have no obligations. make sure you've got that time though because it's hard to put down.

i can't possibly speak of favorites and not mention my precious baby brit. isn't she a doll? this was her this past halloween. she was a friendly witch though! no need to be frightened! :)



and of course.... we can't close without mentioning teen mom 2. i got caught up on this season online (that's like my saving grace since i have no friends and no cable LOL), and i don't know why but i just love it. i know im stupid about it, but i just feel like i know the girls. it's crazy i know!!!!!!





a list.

1) eric is an idiot. seriously. apparently he didn't like that i texted his stupid girlfriend today (yes- the one he cheated on me with...) and called verizon and had my phone line suspended. apparently he lied to them and said i lost my phone. what a fool. first of all- it's MY damn account! the ONLY reason you are even still on the account is because i am a kind individual, and because you make the payments. but how on earth do you really think suspending my phone line is going to teach me a lesson? number 1? he knows i have another phone ready and available to use. number 2? im the account holder you dumb ass! ALL i hafta do is call and explain what a lying sack of shit you are, and they will immediately lift the suspension. then he wants to call me completely schmammered (not cool- just annoying btw), and tell me he never did anything of the sort. o.m.g. im so done.

2) good friends are hard to find. but something ive realized is that when you find em? you need to hold on for dear sweet life. ive spent a lot of time chatting with my friend ashley this weekend. ashley- who i used to spend hours on the phone chatting with in my old life, but once i got here and completely flip flopped schedules, wasn't able to talk as much. ashley was the one id call when id wake up in the middle of the night this past summer to find eric completely gone. it never mattered what time it was- she answered. ashley was the one that when the divorce was finally underway, talked to me on the phone till i just couldnt possibly talk anymore at night, so that i didn't hafta cry myself to sleep. she was the main person who stepped up, and was a friend to me like i would have been to any friend of mine going through a similar sitch. and ya know what's funny? we haven't been able to talk NEARLY as much as we used to since i moved here (because she is two hours ahead time wise, and as we know with my work schedule i am always up until 4am and sleep till 1pm, and am working in the hours in between...), but when we DO get to talk, it's as if no time has passed by at all. we pick up right from where we left off. i love her. and she loves me. and i would do anything to help her. and she would do anything to help me. it was the same feeling when i talked to my friends josh and kellee from nashville yesterday... we've not talked as much as we did when i lived there because of time differences and schedules and stuff, but when we do? it's like no time has passed at all. that's what i like to call a "heart friend." it's as if our hearts choose each other, without our minds having any say in the matter. our hearts are friends, and therefore it doesn't matter what type of messy life stuff keeps you from talking regularly- when you DO get to talk, it feels just like home. and though each of these sweet souls are far from me right now, i am realizing that i am still rich beyond words. even though the friendships here are lacking, and are NOTHING like i thought they would be... i have heart friends... real, true heart friends. i should spend some more time being thankful for that.

3) i am going to loose some weight. yup. it's happening. and im not going to make it some big deal either. im just going to do it. and i suspect it'll be a lot easier than any other time ive tried to diet within the last 5 years because i don't have eric around, eating mcdonalds and pepperoni sandwiches. i have no desire to cook delicious home made meals each night because... well? first of all? im working. and second of all? there's no one to share them with. ive found since moving that i eat way less anyway. it's an annoyance when i feel my stomach starting to rumble really. i think "oh great! what am i gonna do about that?" i just dont eat as much... and that's good. so im going to make sure when i AM eating it's healthier options, and im sure the weight loss will go great. oh and ps- 70 is the magic number. if i could loose 70 pounds, i would be a skinny girl. something i know nothing about. lol.

4) it's snowing outside. UHgain. and im OVER it. when i lived in colorado before- it did. not. snow. like- ever. we may have gotten one snow storm (that may have consisted of a few inches) a year. but now? this is like the 4th or 5th time since moving here that it's really snowing! my first week here it dumped like a foot or something crazy like that. granted- i have "the beast" to get me around town safely, but sheesh! don't you know that my dog does not like to poop in the snow? this makes for a real bad time. i wish whoever is deciding this weather would realize it's really just NOT in our best interest! duh.

5) i was asked to be in my friend's wedding (which is in august) last summer, and of course i happily said "yes!" she was in my wedding, and i was so glad to have her there. so when she asked me i of course was thrilled. ive realized though, now that my circumstances have changed so dramatically since she asked me to be in it, and since my life has completely been flip flopped upside down, that there is just no way, absolutely NO way, i can afford such a venture financially. im operating on this march 31st deadline, i don't make enough to support myself financially out here, i don't have a bed... or a lamp... or a dish... i need so many things, and i still have this debt hanging over my head that was left in my stupid name from the divorce... i just can't do it. the wedding is in chicago, and id have to fly there and back, stay in a hotel the entire time im there, buy a dress (which i just learned is like $300... BEFORE tax/alterations, etc), pay for food, and transportation. how on earth am i going to be able to do THAT? so i decided the right thing to do was to explain the situation and let her know i just can't be there. except that didn't really go over so well. she began to immediately insist that she and her fiance pay for all of my expenses. (money i KNOW they DO NOT have!) and ill be honest. i can't do it. i can't let them pay my way like that. and i can't pay my own way. i can't go. and i know i can't go, but she's not taking no for an answer- so what do i do? i cannot allow them to pull money from their honeymoon or their wedding to pay for me. i can't. im trying to get used to the idea, but it's just not happening... im kinda stuck.

6) i spend a lot of time in my room. like- a lot. my roomate has her bf sleep over all the time, which ordinarily would mean nothing. except that they don't sleep in the same room/bed as each other, and he is sent to sleep on the couch. which is essentially in the middle of the house- the kitchen/laundry/family/dining room are therefore completely off limits. the house becomes pitch black dark and completely shut down at like 9 o'clock, and everyone is to then scurry off to their rooms in quiet. so yeah- my bb and i have gotten to know these four walls quite well over these last several weeks! :) i think when we leave here, we might actually miss them.

7) my youth minister from high school has a son i grew up with named jarrett. and he is married to one of the most beautiful real-life girls ive ever seen. her name is chelsea. and they have these three amazing boys, peyton, conner and trek. well trek is their youngest (just 8 months) and they just learned he has a really rare disease called neimann pick type a. there is no cure or treatment for this disease, and apparently it is quite awful. they are now having to deal with knowing their days are limited as a family of five, because trek is not expected to live past age 2/3. isn't that the most terrible thing you've ever, ever heard? he's so sweet too- has these ginormous blue eyes and this adorable little smile. and he's dying. and it's sad. it's just absolutely heart breaking. when i think of them (which is often with all my "alone" time...) i just cry. i wish there was something i could say, or something to do. but the reality is that there is not. this will be the hardest thing they will ever have to deal with and i don't envy them one bit. there's nothing i can to change it or ease their pain. i just can cry right along with them, and pray right along with them... im conflicted about what to pray for though- do i pray for a miracle? or do i pray for peace?

8) truth be told, im not really convinced ill be staying here in colorado much longer. im sure you're thinking im crazy huh? but the truth is that i am not happy here- like at all. and it doesn't have much to do with the fact that i am without eric either. that is what it is. it needs to be that way because he is, has always been, and will always continue to be a con artist. but it's more to do with just not feeling like this is a good fit. ya know? it's weird cause i miss nashville SO much. and if im being honest- if i were to find a job there tomorrow id be gone. in a red. hot. minute. i think it became a part of me. i regret leaving so much. i think ive always regretted it, but have tredged onward each day hoping and praying for some type of something to happen that makes this life just work. now im starting to wonder if that's just not going to happen. so yeah- colorado will probably end up only being a landing zone for a small period of time. and it makes me happy to know it's just me that i need to worry about. i am free to be and live wherever it is i choose to be and live. i am free to consider my own well being and happiness first. i will say though- that i am extremely disappointed in this scenario not working out. im disappointed in people, in situations, in the snow that just keeps on coming (lol)... one thing i am never disappointed in though- is the beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis. this place is gorgeous. so yeah- that's that. i guess ill write when i make some type of decision. but for now my decision is that this will not be for long. i feel freedom in that.

8) oh! did i mention i learned today that my divorce will be final january 25th? yes. that's 8 days away. i will always cherish and think fondly on our good times. i will probably be sad often that they could not last for longer. but at this moment, i am confident that it is as it should be. i hope to cherish what was good, and leave what was bad. i don't want this changing me for good. will i ever get married again? umm... probably not for a looooooooooonnnnggggg time. lol. but i guess it's not entirely out of the question for me.  we'll have to see.

im closing for now. be blessed and as always- be thankful.

things just aren't going well... like, at all.

im sure everyone probably thought id given up my blogging days. and that makes me sad... cause that was never my intention. i think sometimes life just happens, and you forget. it's not that ive been too busy either. in fact ive had way more free time on my hands than id like. i spend most of my free time completely alone, and wishing for something (anything) to do. so i dunno. i think ive been so busy hanging on for dear sweet life, that ive just not had the ability to do anything extra. like- at all. for those of you who are in the dark ill just break it down for ya...

1) i married a liar.and unfortunately, i happened to love that liar more than anything at all. i loved him as good as i knew how. and that got me no where. i still love him too. and i wake up daily praying for god to take it away. but it's here.... just lingering and making me mad.

2) i decided to move back to colorado thinking it would be "home" and give me the fresh start i knew i would need to begin a life without eric. i moved here 10 weeks ago, and to say that it's been less than what i expected would be a major, major, major understatement.

     a) for starters, i am always lost. like- always. i know how to get myself to/from work successfully and to some of the places i see along the way. and that's it. i was never lost in nashville. well- not usually. this is frustrating and totally annoying. this is supposed to be "home" and ive never felt so lost in my life.

     b) i thought leaving nashville would mean i was leaving all the hurt and worry there and that i wouldn't have to or want to look back. except that was a ridiculous thing to think and dream of. i think of my life there often. like- every single day often. and not just the happy parts with eric in it either.

-the parts where i had substantial friendships that really meant something. except now that im here, realizing that i don't think i really valued those friendships as i should have. i thought cause i had just 2 or 3 close friends, that i was lacking. but in truth, i was rich beyond measure in those 2 or 3 friendships. i regret taking that for granted. i really do.
-i think of my babies. every. single. day. EVERY day! i miss them. i miss playing barbies with jenna claire. we would get all of the barbies (like 30!) all beautified and pretty, and have beauty pageants with them. they even had talents, and would compete! i miss her sweet, sweet smile. and her silly little self. i miss her fashion sense and being able to get her all dressed and do her hair on days when she was out of school. she was always so pretty. i miss rossi p's kool kat attitude. he had the best sense of humor of any kid ive ever, ever met. he could bring me to tears with laughter! and he did! all the time! i miss hearing his rationalizations for things, and how he just had this way of keeping things we adults make so difficult and dramatic- so simple and fact based. and then there was sophie. i miss how when id go in to get her from her nap, she'd beam with glee and say "hi!" that made my day- every time. i miss how no matter what the hell i was going through, that sweet baby got me through. she brought me more joy with her sweet little smile than i had ever thought possible. when i was miscarrying- i was at work- taking care of her, and she got me through. when i found out my husband had had an affair, i went to work- and she got me through. she had me smiling through my tears every step of the way, because her spirit was something i felt connected to. there are no words to describe the love i feel for those three. and my fear is that the ache will always be here- missing them and wondering what they did at school today.

     c) i had this vision of what life would be like once i got here, and to be perfectly honest- it's not been what id envisioned since the very first moment i stepped foot out of the car.  mostly it's just been different than what i anticipated and expected.  i keep trying to stay positive (because isn't that the essence of "me"?) and it just doesn't change. i wanted more. i wanted to become a part of something here. i thought i would just fit right in, except i don't. and sometimes i wonder if that's been harder on me than loosing the love of my life.... the fact that i came here for shelter and haven't found it. at the beginning of this post i mentioned spending most of my free time alone. and to be honest- what i meant by that is that i essentially spend ALL of my free time alone. turns out the friends i thought i was coming to share my life with, and cling to, are busy living their own little lives. as they should be! it's not a bad thing at all... i just expected it to be different. the truth of the matter is that everyone is juggling like a million balls in the air, and just kinda trying to get through. they're worried about their kids and families... not hanging out with me. so i get it- i do. it is as it should be. but where does that leave me? ill tell ya where it leaves me... alone.

     d) so my friend that ive been staying with told me last week ive got until march 31st to get out. i of course am and will continue to be eternally grateful for her generosity and hospitality toward not just me- but my bristol (who we all know is NOT the most docile of girls...). but last we'd talked, this was working out to be more of a long term arrangement so i was a bit blind sided when i was faced with this news. so- i began looking at how much ill be bringing in at allosource, and tried to determine what a budget might be for rent. i then began to look for places and was absolutely, completely, 150% floored by how expensive it is to live here! oh. my. gosh. i cannot, cannot, cannot believe i didn't appreciate the cost of living in nashville more when i was there! like- wow. so then i started trying to think if there's anyone i know who might want to be roomates. then i realized that the answer to that is a big, fat NO since most everyone i know here is married with happy, little families. i then began to consider placing an ad for a roomate somewhere online, but ill be honest- that's kinda sketch. well it seems like it could be. and with MY luck these days? id be the one to get a crazy thief or something. or someone who is suicidal and just a complete nightmare. plus- i feel like it's kind of a lot to ask anyone to deal with my bb on a full time basis like that. it would take a very special person to be willing to share their space at home with her, etc. she can be wild. so then it left me thinking- what the hell am i going to do? no really- WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?

so here's the gyst of it- im living in a state that is supposed to be my home, except the entire place is completely unrecognizable and may as well be a foreign country to me or something. i came here to be surrounded by great friends that i could stay busy with and be a part of their lives- except i spend all my time alone, because most everyone is too busy dealing with their own lives to notice im dying over here. and now i realize im working toward a goal that cannot, simpy cannot, be attained. i can't support myself out here financially.  this is not only completely frustrating- but it's humiliating! and it makes me mad to think of my life a year ago. my life where i blogged all the time about pop culture, or about our latest decorating project, or about what funny thing ross said that day. little did i know what was to come... and once again... little did i know that, that was the time to stop and smell the roses, and to just enjoy life being easy.