it's 2:35am on thursday morning. thursday... my last day here. wow. how did this moment arrive so suddenly? it seems like just yesterday i wondered how id ever survive six whole weeks of dread. but here i am... tomorrow at this time, i expect to have my vehicle loaded, and sleeping soundly so that i can head out bright and early on friday morning. right now im just kind of in disbelief that i actually made it. and guess what? im still in one piece. ill admit im one tired, haggard looking, no make up wearing, stressed out piece... but im here, and i am thankful.
today is the day i will say goodbye to my fabulous little favorites. i can't even imagine how that will be. i hope to make it more of an "ill see you soon!" type of goodbye, than an actual "goodbye." ive finally completed the special little projects i had planned, and i am ready for my last supper with my favorite fam.
here is the plan for the day that lies before me:
1) go to sleep. because at this point, ive got to be up and ready in like 6 hours, and sleep seems necessary. especially since ive been fighting this awful sore throat for WEEKS! (ugh)
2) wake up and meet my baby for the very last time. :( feed said baby breakfast and let her play until she's ready for a nap. while she plays i need to remember to call the financing company for the honda and get our account number and then immediately email it to my lawyer. (once upon a time, my life was easy breezy and beautiful. organization was a must, and i knew where everything was. these days though? not so much. so yeah- i don't know my account number and im not about to waste my time digging through junk to find it).
3) during naptime, ill force myself to shower and then work on sorting through the boxes ive got. i need to make a "must take" pile and a "can ship to myself later" pile. (later as in when i have money to do so.) once this is done, i will begin to clean.
4) ill need to make sure the baby is up and that we're heading out by 11:30 because at that point ive got to go downtown to sign my divorce papers. it'll be nice to have such a charming and sweet little lady to keep me company on this journey.
5) from there, ill need to pick up my prescription, and call my vet (who i just saw saturday and dropped $150 for an exam!) because it seems my baby bristol is breaking out into one of her dreadful skin infections again. i need an antibiotic stat. BEFORE i move and before it gets completely out of control.
6) once those things are handled im guessing my little sugar and i just might need to stop for a bit of a lunch break. maybe if im feeling frisky and prepared, i can remember to pack a pic nic, and we can spend our last lunch together pic-nic-ing at the park on the way home.
7) once we are home, sophie might want to sleep some more but we'll hafta play that one by ear. ya just never know with that crazy baby. if she chooses to stay awake, we will play and i will cherish every moment! maybe take b on a walk or something awesome like that. if she chooses to sleep, i will make use of the free time by beginning to haul of my stuff downstairs so it will be ready to pack later. i can also use this free time to continue cleaning michelle's cute house. (ya see... bristol has this thing with leaving paw prints everywhere and ill be honest... it makes me kinda crazy!)
8) by 3:20, the baby and i need to be heading out the door to go get my other two favorites. im not sure what kinda fun we'll get into for our last afternoon together, but im thinking something fab... like ice cream.... id like to say ill let them pick the place, but jenna claire will immediately ask for the frist center for the visual arts, or paint your own pottery. neither of which are options on school days because they are too far. SO- i may just do ice cream with my kiddie-roos, we'll see.
9) then of course we'll hafta head home to be responsible and tend to homework, etc. etc. etc. this is always my favorite part of the day... it's always such a joy to keep sophie from climbing the walls, while trying to get r and jc to focus and study and be productive. (can you sense my sarcasim? lol) for some reason though, i suspect ill cherish those minutes that pass by with difficulty tomorrow... knowing that they are the last ill have the chance to balance such chaos.
10) after my work day is done, i get to spend some qt with "the fam." we're supposed to do dinner, though i don't know the plan for that just yet. im sure it'll be a fun, but bittersweet, and heart breaking time for me. this is the moment i have been dreading since my life fell apart, and i made the decision to move. pray for me.
11) once dinner is done, ill head back to michelle's to begin loading my stuff into the car. as stated previously, i intend to have the piles set out and clearling organized from earlier in the day, so im hoping this will be a smooth process.
12) once that is done, ill go back to cleaning, and putting some final touches on the house for m. i just want it to be like my messy mut was never here... lol. well- her paw prints at least. :)
13) at 11 ill need to head out for the airport to pick up my beloved friend jessica who is flying in JUST because she doesn't want me to have to drive alone. is that not just SO nice?! yeah- so her flight arrives at 11.30, and i plan to pick her up and come home to fall into bed before the big journey begins on friday.
and THAT is a day in the life. that's pretty much been my life for a while now... busy. and chaotic. and stressful. and busy. im glad i just made that nice little list because now ill have no problem staying right on track tomorrow to be sure and get everything handled.
here are my concerns at this moment:
im very concerned about money. eric has said all along that he would help me transition to colorado financially. he was always our bread winner, and since he makes like WAY more than i do or have ever made, i just relied on him for support. now, ive got some money saved... but not at all what id hoped to have. im worried about when i get to colorado and not having enough money to get by. he has promised to help... but he has broken plans to meet me to on more than one occassion. i know that ill be okay... i do. i just am worried. ive done ALL that i can and could have done... and i realize there is NO point at all in stressing about it, because it is out of my control. but please say a prayer... or send positive vibes... or something... anything ya got friends. cause i need something to work out for a change. i really do.
please also pray for my sweet little family to find a great replacement for me. theyre having a really hard time, and it absolutely kills me to know that i am leaving them high and dry. i mean... not high and dry i guess (don't worry- i did be sure to give notice!) but id just hoped to be heading out knowing who was going to be caring for them. knowing that they were comfortable with the new person. knowing that they would be okay, and feel okay about this transition. instead ross is having melt downs left and right, and the right person just hasn't arrived. please, please pray. i am so concerned. they deserve the absolute best. i just really hope that the right gal comes crossing their little path... like in five minutes. please. and thank you.
im also worried about bristol. im sad for her. i don't know if i am or if ill ever be enough. she was used to having a mommy and a daddy. i feel like she knows somethings missing. i feel sad for her. im worried. but im hoping once we get to colorado, the weather will be nice enough to get her out at the dog park excersising, etc. i just cant wait to establish a new "normal" for my baby and i. i think it'll help us both.
and lastly, im worried that i might never ever fall asleep to begin living this crazy day if i keep my computer on. SO goodnight. thanks for reading friends. and for the prayers. be blessed, and as always- be thankful.
10.27.2011
10.25.2011
im tired today
im feeling a little bit overwhelmed with my life right now... cant imagine why. i guess im just feeling down to the wire, and realizing that there are still SO many things i need to be doing to get ready. i hit the road friday morning... should be arriving in colorado saturday afternoon. i cannot, cannot, canNOT wait to get really settled in and create a new "normal" for myself. but before that time can come, ive seriously got like a zillion things to do.
1) trying to consolodate as many of these boxes as possible is going to be tricky, but i definitely think it it necessary to get as much stuff back with me as possible.
2) bristol needs a bath- like, for real.
3) ive got to clean this house something awful! poor michelle, opened up her home to bristol and i, and it's just kind of a mess. i hate mess. definitely do not intend to leave it this way!
4) pick up my liscense plate from the dealership.
5) continue trying to convince my soon-to-be-X that it is really, really important to get his things out of the old apartment.
6) pack the vehicle.
7) say final goodbyes.
8) sign my divorce papers.
9) purchase a few small things for a few special people.
10) finish sophie's one year scrapbook.
SHEESH! that's a lot huh? and yet i sit here... writing on my blog.
1) trying to consolodate as many of these boxes as possible is going to be tricky, but i definitely think it it necessary to get as much stuff back with me as possible.
2) bristol needs a bath- like, for real.
3) ive got to clean this house something awful! poor michelle, opened up her home to bristol and i, and it's just kind of a mess. i hate mess. definitely do not intend to leave it this way!
4) pick up my liscense plate from the dealership.
5) continue trying to convince my soon-to-be-X that it is really, really important to get his things out of the old apartment.
6) pack the vehicle.
7) say final goodbyes.
8) sign my divorce papers.
9) purchase a few small things for a few special people.
10) finish sophie's one year scrapbook.
SHEESH! that's a lot huh? and yet i sit here... writing on my blog.
10.23.2011
im going to try to come back...
i haven't been around in a long time... a long, long time. sorry about that. sometimes though, life happens and it's just not possible to share about it all on the internet. sometimes things are too devastating to talk about. sometimes things are just too tough to even accept on your own, and so trying to share the details of your life with the world around you is just not possible because the details are too tough to really even come to terms with. sometimes, when life is not good and when things get messed up, i just need to crawl under my little rock for awhile. i hate posting lame stuff on here about how my life sucks, so thank me for saving you from the drama over these last six months- seriously.
im going to give you a short recap so that we can all be on the same page moving forward. :) and as im sure you remember- i like to operate in lists... so here we go-
1) eric and i are getting a divorce. turns out i married the wrong guy... hate when that happens.
2) as a result of my life with eric ending, i felt very torn about how to move forward with my life. in many ways i felt like my life in nashville WAS eric, and without him there just was no life. but then i would look at my sweet little babes i get to watch each day, and think about having them and how important that is/has been, etc. i ultimately made the decision to head home to colorado because i just think it will be in my best interest to go home, and try to start fresh and new. ive really considered moving back for about the last year and now that it's just me that i hafta worry about, ive decided to do it. im leaving in 5 days.
3) this comes with a plethora of emotions that are very hard to describe. i am excited! i can't wait to get home, and see everyone and really start over. but i am also sad. because going to start over means leaving my favorites behind, and the closer it gets, the more uneasy i feel. how can i possibly say goodbye? the tiny humans have brought me so much joy over these last 2 years.... jenna claire has turned in to such a tall and beautiful and smart little sugar. she's reading now by the way, and is just as cute as ever! rossi p is still my little rock star. he still says the funniest things ever! the other day when i told him how cute he was, he responded by saying "and the best part is? you get to look at me for free!" who says that?! ROSSI P does! he's getting big too- very athletic looking, and is doing WONDERFULLY in school. and then there's sophie. little sophie b... what is there to even say? i met her on the very first day she was born, and i fell in love. but i never ever expected that love to grow and feel like THIS. its crazy. she is a busy girl these days, and we spend a lot of time outside running around, enjoying the weather. she's talking now and giving kisses ALL the time which melts my heart. i love her. and what's more is that i KNOW she loves me. leaving this life behind will undoubtedly be the very best thing for me.... but i expect the hardest thing i have ever, ever done. :/ please pray for me that i can just get through it all, and that i can cherish this last week with my fabulous favorites. and please pray for them- that they might find a nanny who will love and care for these babies just as i have done, and who will absolutely fall in love with this family- just as i have done.
4) some of you may be wondering about this precious babe...
well? she'll be coming with her mama to become a colorado girl too. so to all of you colorado folks who have been adoring her from afar these last two years? get ready! cause bristol anne is comin' your way! :)
5)the plan:
when i get to colorado, i plan to stay with a dear, sweet friend of mine who offered up her guest bed/bath for b and i to use till we can get on our feet. i am eternally greatful for her hospitality and for her generosity. i am seriously in awe of the love i feel from this special person, and i cannot, cannot, cannot wait to run the streets with her again.
ill need to find a good job that is full time. i do not plan to nanny again- one, because i need a job that can give me benefits. but two, because i just can't ever imagine "replacing" these babes ive got now. they will forever hold that place in my heart, and that's really how i intend to keep it. so yeah- looking for a job that is full time, and that will offer benefits. keep an eye out for me, and if you see anything let me know!
eventually, once i save enough money to start over (and i will literally be starting over because we have had to sell EVERYTHING in this divorce!), b and i will find a place of our own to rent. im still not sure how long it'll take me to get us there, but i definitely don't want to wear out my welcome with jess, so hopefully i can find a job, save some money and get a place of my own.
id also like to get back into school but have yet to determine if it makes the most sense to finish online, or to transfer my credits to metro and actually go. we'll see. but im not too far from being done and so i am excited to get back in the swing of things and make that a priority again.
other than all of that?
my parents came to visit me last weekend and that was a smashing good time! we ran the streets and went out to eat, and just spent time being normal... which was nice because my life has been so far from normal these days... it was nice to pretend for awhile. shannon and paul got married the weekend before that, and their wedding turned out to be gorgeous!!!! i can't wait to see all of the pics! :) lastly, and friend who i would've never guessed would die, has died. he comes from a dear, sweet family and i would really appreciate as many prayers for the caulk family as possible. jamie was in a car accident earlier this month, and then had a stroke as a result of his injuries. the stroke affected the brain stem, and he went into a coma. he was on life support for about a week before the family decided to take him off the ventilator, hoping his brain stem would have been restored and that he would take a breath on his own. unfortunately though, he passed away and left a loving family behind. please pray for the caulk family... i can only imagine what it must feel like to be dealing with such loss. it definitely puts things into perspective for me, that's for sure. seems so silly and selfish and stupid that ive cried thousands of tears and worried, and stressed over loosing my life with eric. i mean- don't get me wrong... that's sad, and has been terribly hard. but i think it's so important to be thankful even in the midst of terrible circumstances. and in this i can say that at least my family and i are all healthy and happy! sometimes a bit of perspective is a good thing.
thanks for sticking with me friends. remember to be thankful, and always- be blessed.
im going to give you a short recap so that we can all be on the same page moving forward. :) and as im sure you remember- i like to operate in lists... so here we go-
1) eric and i are getting a divorce. turns out i married the wrong guy... hate when that happens.
2) as a result of my life with eric ending, i felt very torn about how to move forward with my life. in many ways i felt like my life in nashville WAS eric, and without him there just was no life. but then i would look at my sweet little babes i get to watch each day, and think about having them and how important that is/has been, etc. i ultimately made the decision to head home to colorado because i just think it will be in my best interest to go home, and try to start fresh and new. ive really considered moving back for about the last year and now that it's just me that i hafta worry about, ive decided to do it. im leaving in 5 days.
3) this comes with a plethora of emotions that are very hard to describe. i am excited! i can't wait to get home, and see everyone and really start over. but i am also sad. because going to start over means leaving my favorites behind, and the closer it gets, the more uneasy i feel. how can i possibly say goodbye? the tiny humans have brought me so much joy over these last 2 years.... jenna claire has turned in to such a tall and beautiful and smart little sugar. she's reading now by the way, and is just as cute as ever! rossi p is still my little rock star. he still says the funniest things ever! the other day when i told him how cute he was, he responded by saying "and the best part is? you get to look at me for free!" who says that?! ROSSI P does! he's getting big too- very athletic looking, and is doing WONDERFULLY in school. and then there's sophie. little sophie b... what is there to even say? i met her on the very first day she was born, and i fell in love. but i never ever expected that love to grow and feel like THIS. its crazy. she is a busy girl these days, and we spend a lot of time outside running around, enjoying the weather. she's talking now and giving kisses ALL the time which melts my heart. i love her. and what's more is that i KNOW she loves me. leaving this life behind will undoubtedly be the very best thing for me.... but i expect the hardest thing i have ever, ever done. :/ please pray for me that i can just get through it all, and that i can cherish this last week with my fabulous favorites. and please pray for them- that they might find a nanny who will love and care for these babies just as i have done, and who will absolutely fall in love with this family- just as i have done.
4) some of you may be wondering about this precious babe...
5)the plan:
when i get to colorado, i plan to stay with a dear, sweet friend of mine who offered up her guest bed/bath for b and i to use till we can get on our feet. i am eternally greatful for her hospitality and for her generosity. i am seriously in awe of the love i feel from this special person, and i cannot, cannot, cannot wait to run the streets with her again.
ill need to find a good job that is full time. i do not plan to nanny again- one, because i need a job that can give me benefits. but two, because i just can't ever imagine "replacing" these babes ive got now. they will forever hold that place in my heart, and that's really how i intend to keep it. so yeah- looking for a job that is full time, and that will offer benefits. keep an eye out for me, and if you see anything let me know!
eventually, once i save enough money to start over (and i will literally be starting over because we have had to sell EVERYTHING in this divorce!), b and i will find a place of our own to rent. im still not sure how long it'll take me to get us there, but i definitely don't want to wear out my welcome with jess, so hopefully i can find a job, save some money and get a place of my own.
id also like to get back into school but have yet to determine if it makes the most sense to finish online, or to transfer my credits to metro and actually go. we'll see. but im not too far from being done and so i am excited to get back in the swing of things and make that a priority again.
other than all of that?
my parents came to visit me last weekend and that was a smashing good time! we ran the streets and went out to eat, and just spent time being normal... which was nice because my life has been so far from normal these days... it was nice to pretend for awhile. shannon and paul got married the weekend before that, and their wedding turned out to be gorgeous!!!! i can't wait to see all of the pics! :) lastly, and friend who i would've never guessed would die, has died. he comes from a dear, sweet family and i would really appreciate as many prayers for the caulk family as possible. jamie was in a car accident earlier this month, and then had a stroke as a result of his injuries. the stroke affected the brain stem, and he went into a coma. he was on life support for about a week before the family decided to take him off the ventilator, hoping his brain stem would have been restored and that he would take a breath on his own. unfortunately though, he passed away and left a loving family behind. please pray for the caulk family... i can only imagine what it must feel like to be dealing with such loss. it definitely puts things into perspective for me, that's for sure. seems so silly and selfish and stupid that ive cried thousands of tears and worried, and stressed over loosing my life with eric. i mean- don't get me wrong... that's sad, and has been terribly hard. but i think it's so important to be thankful even in the midst of terrible circumstances. and in this i can say that at least my family and i are all healthy and happy! sometimes a bit of perspective is a good thing.
thanks for sticking with me friends. remember to be thankful, and always- be blessed.
6.06.2011
wow.
i seriously cannot believe it's been almost TWO months since ive posted on here. to say that life has been a bit crazy, dramatically overwhelming, and sometimes unrecognizable is a complete understatement. lots has gone on in the last 6 weeks- a lot of which has been stressful and heart breaking, and challenging, but some good things too. and my prayer is that what has seemed to be heart breaking now, will one day end up being the moments i look back on later in life and thank god for. sometimes good can come from bad, and that is my hope with this situation. since it's been so long, i think a list is in order to provide a bit of a re-cap on life in my world lately... here goes...
1) well, it's HOT here. like as hot as the dickens hot, i kinda hate it.
2) the kids are out of school now, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we sent little jenna claire off to kindergarten.
3) sophie turned ONE last week and oh my gosh- i seriously can't believe that! her scrapbook i was making for her birthday gift did NOT get finished- mostly because i really thought id have time to put all of the final pages together the weekend before and wanted it to be as close to being complete through her one year birthday as possible... but then we ended up moving that weekend, and so that didn't happen. it won't take long to finish- but id really wished to hand it over completely done.
4) speaking of moving- eric and i decided to move out of our town home into a smaller, one bedroom apartment. basically we decided it would be really helpful to eliminate as much stress as possible in our marriage, and financial stress has been a big factor lately. it's unneccesary, and though i did enjoy my little lenox village life, it wasn't worth any sort of drama or whatever, ya know? it just doesn't matter.
5) so- we spent memorial day weekend moving which was complete craziness. well- it was craziness how the whole entire thing just fell into place really... but really crazy that we started out that weekend with our lenox village town home completely perfect. by sunday night, the place was empty, and cleaned out- sparkling even. our new place is pretty fab. it's a sweet little one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. meets our needs, but is also quite charming. the complex isn't far from where we were before, which means im still close to work and we can still frequent all of our usual spots. it's a beautiful community, with 2 pools and a hot tub, and our apartment looks out onto a little fountain/pond area. the pool is also visible and is so pretty all lite up at night. the inside of the apartment is really homey. i like the kitchen and bathroom, and it's nice to have carpet again! (wood floors were a bitch to keep clean!) the carpeting is brand new too, so it's got that lush, comfy feeling throughout. whoever built these apartments kinda thought of everything. it seems easy to live there- like there's a spot for everything. it really works out.
6) i think ive been fighting a little flu this weekend, and that has kinda stunk! my body has been achey all over, im hot, then im cold, then im hot... ive been feverish, and my throat and neck have been KILLING me! i don't know what could be wrong, but im hoping it's just a little bug that has to run it's course and that's it.
7) sometimes when you've never been in a situation, it's so easy to look at other people going through it and proclaim exactly what you'd do. the truth is though, you really have NO earthly idea exactly what you'd think or feel or do, until you're there.... in the thick of it... buried in the trenches of war... it's up to YOU to find your way out, and the only "right" way to do that can only be determined at the time of battle.
8) authenticity is something ive learned quite a lot about over these last several weeks. being authentic is NOT easy. it seems that being authentic is always really great to talk about, but when it's hardest to be authentic is when it matters the most. being who you are, and staying true to the characteristics that define YOU, when everything and everyone else around you has changed? tough. but this is who i am. i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough. i am selfless. i am understanding. i am humble. choosing to be a truly authentic human being and stick to your guns about who you are, does not mean that you are lowering your expectations or excusing inappropriate behavior either. it simply means that you rise above, you choose to be all of those things, and make decisions that are best for YOU and not what other people are most comfortable with. it's very tricky, but when your entire world begins to crumble all around you- the one thing you ARE in control of? is YOU. abandoning your moral principles and the things you so proudly proclaimed to be yesterday (when life was dandy) just because things are hard today? that would be cowardly. so... on my hardest of hard days, i repeat to myself "i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough." i remind myself that i have deliberately chosen to be this person, i am in control of one thing and one thing only- me. i am proud to say that i have maintained an authenticity while trudging through the gory, gruesome, battle fields, and i believe i will come out stronger in the end because of that.
9) sometimes i wish people would understand, but i have to understand that they don't understand, and that that is okay. it gets lonely, but it's okay.
10) i am not a quitter, and this is the ONE thing i have ever committed myself to whole heartedly. i will succeed or die trying.
11) we've spent some time down at the pools and it's been fun! reminds me of the early days when things were simple. :) it seems like we literally spent every single weekend at our little twin oaks apartments pool. good times.
12) i wonder sometimes what life is going to be like in a year. will everything be sorted out and fixed? will my family relationships go back to normal? will this just all be a part of my "past" that we don't mention? or will it ever be "normal" again? it's funny how being the baby of the family really defines your role- even when you're 29 years old and live hundreds of miles away from the nearest relative. people still want to make your decisions, take care of you, protect you... something i value more than words can say. but something that is also quite hard- especially when you've chosen a path that is not ideal in their eyes. i have to believe that the details will work themselves out later on down the road though. i am choosing to stay focused on what's in front of me, and try my best to just be me.
13) i am pretty hungry at the moment...
14) quality time is my love language. that means that i feel most loved when you just are with me. i feel un-sure of your love for me when you're not. even if from a far- time spent on the phone chatting, can make me feel just as loved as if you were sitting right here beside me hanging out. quality time can fix lots of things.
15) i got a new kick ass clock this weekend that totally rocks my face off. like- im not even kidding. rocks. my. face. off. i wish i could describe it to you- but it's kinda hard to explain. i can tell you this- it's hanging on the wall in my new, fun kitchen, and i LOVE it. pictures to come.
1) well, it's HOT here. like as hot as the dickens hot, i kinda hate it.
2) the kids are out of school now, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we sent little jenna claire off to kindergarten.
3) sophie turned ONE last week and oh my gosh- i seriously can't believe that! her scrapbook i was making for her birthday gift did NOT get finished- mostly because i really thought id have time to put all of the final pages together the weekend before and wanted it to be as close to being complete through her one year birthday as possible... but then we ended up moving that weekend, and so that didn't happen. it won't take long to finish- but id really wished to hand it over completely done.
4) speaking of moving- eric and i decided to move out of our town home into a smaller, one bedroom apartment. basically we decided it would be really helpful to eliminate as much stress as possible in our marriage, and financial stress has been a big factor lately. it's unneccesary, and though i did enjoy my little lenox village life, it wasn't worth any sort of drama or whatever, ya know? it just doesn't matter.
5) so- we spent memorial day weekend moving which was complete craziness. well- it was craziness how the whole entire thing just fell into place really... but really crazy that we started out that weekend with our lenox village town home completely perfect. by sunday night, the place was empty, and cleaned out- sparkling even. our new place is pretty fab. it's a sweet little one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. meets our needs, but is also quite charming. the complex isn't far from where we were before, which means im still close to work and we can still frequent all of our usual spots. it's a beautiful community, with 2 pools and a hot tub, and our apartment looks out onto a little fountain/pond area. the pool is also visible and is so pretty all lite up at night. the inside of the apartment is really homey. i like the kitchen and bathroom, and it's nice to have carpet again! (wood floors were a bitch to keep clean!) the carpeting is brand new too, so it's got that lush, comfy feeling throughout. whoever built these apartments kinda thought of everything. it seems easy to live there- like there's a spot for everything. it really works out.
6) i think ive been fighting a little flu this weekend, and that has kinda stunk! my body has been achey all over, im hot, then im cold, then im hot... ive been feverish, and my throat and neck have been KILLING me! i don't know what could be wrong, but im hoping it's just a little bug that has to run it's course and that's it.
7) sometimes when you've never been in a situation, it's so easy to look at other people going through it and proclaim exactly what you'd do. the truth is though, you really have NO earthly idea exactly what you'd think or feel or do, until you're there.... in the thick of it... buried in the trenches of war... it's up to YOU to find your way out, and the only "right" way to do that can only be determined at the time of battle.
8) authenticity is something ive learned quite a lot about over these last several weeks. being authentic is NOT easy. it seems that being authentic is always really great to talk about, but when it's hardest to be authentic is when it matters the most. being who you are, and staying true to the characteristics that define YOU, when everything and everyone else around you has changed? tough. but this is who i am. i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough. i am selfless. i am understanding. i am humble. choosing to be a truly authentic human being and stick to your guns about who you are, does not mean that you are lowering your expectations or excusing inappropriate behavior either. it simply means that you rise above, you choose to be all of those things, and make decisions that are best for YOU and not what other people are most comfortable with. it's very tricky, but when your entire world begins to crumble all around you- the one thing you ARE in control of? is YOU. abandoning your moral principles and the things you so proudly proclaimed to be yesterday (when life was dandy) just because things are hard today? that would be cowardly. so... on my hardest of hard days, i repeat to myself "i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough." i remind myself that i have deliberately chosen to be this person, i am in control of one thing and one thing only- me. i am proud to say that i have maintained an authenticity while trudging through the gory, gruesome, battle fields, and i believe i will come out stronger in the end because of that.
9) sometimes i wish people would understand, but i have to understand that they don't understand, and that that is okay. it gets lonely, but it's okay.
10) i am not a quitter, and this is the ONE thing i have ever committed myself to whole heartedly. i will succeed or die trying.
11) we've spent some time down at the pools and it's been fun! reminds me of the early days when things were simple. :) it seems like we literally spent every single weekend at our little twin oaks apartments pool. good times.
12) i wonder sometimes what life is going to be like in a year. will everything be sorted out and fixed? will my family relationships go back to normal? will this just all be a part of my "past" that we don't mention? or will it ever be "normal" again? it's funny how being the baby of the family really defines your role- even when you're 29 years old and live hundreds of miles away from the nearest relative. people still want to make your decisions, take care of you, protect you... something i value more than words can say. but something that is also quite hard- especially when you've chosen a path that is not ideal in their eyes. i have to believe that the details will work themselves out later on down the road though. i am choosing to stay focused on what's in front of me, and try my best to just be me.
13) i am pretty hungry at the moment...
14) quality time is my love language. that means that i feel most loved when you just are with me. i feel un-sure of your love for me when you're not. even if from a far- time spent on the phone chatting, can make me feel just as loved as if you were sitting right here beside me hanging out. quality time can fix lots of things.
15) i got a new kick ass clock this weekend that totally rocks my face off. like- im not even kidding. rocks. my. face. off. i wish i could describe it to you- but it's kinda hard to explain. i can tell you this- it's hanging on the wall in my new, fun kitchen, and i LOVE it. pictures to come.
4.18.2011
4.16.2011
SONG IS UP!
alright friends- eric is my super star man and totally figured out how to add my song to my blog... lyrics are in previous post if you want to follow along. but THIS is it! it's called "their love" and was written to honor my parents for their love that seems to supercede all. i wrote and recorded this in 2005- please forgive the roughness of the recording... we were amatuers. :) have a blessed day everyone! and.... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD!
4.15.2011
my parents...
ill start by saying that i had one of those dreadful, terrible dreams this morning- it woke me from a dead sleep, and in tears. when i think of it now, i find myself still having to fight back tears- even though i know it wasn't real. i dreamt that my mom died. bad, right? and not just that she died, but in the dream, i was having this conversation with her (after she had already passed). we were sitting there, and i was crying and saying to her "i can't believe i didn't take the time to tell you how much i love you. i can't believe i never thought to tell you how much id miss you on christmas. i can't believe i never told you how much id miss opening your bedroom door, to find you sleeping, and inviting me into your bed so that we could talk and take naps together." as i sit here writing about the dream, i still can't help but cry. i hate how dreams do this to me... especially the ones that wake me up in the morning. they seem so real, that even after ive realized i was just dreaming, that emotion is left with me to deal with throughout the entire day. i know i need to lock it in... but i know that at the heart of my angst, im having a tough time even considering a situation where my mom is no longer in my life. she is my best friend, and i don't even want to think of such a thing. so mom.... if you're reading this- please never die. and know that I LOVE YOU soooooooooo much, and that if i ever DO loose you, i will most definitely miss you on christmas's (and every day in between), and i will miss our pillow talks and naps.
anyway! the real reason for my post today is to write about my parents, and their story. tomorrow my lovely mom and dad will celebrate 34 years of wedded bliss. their love is the love i longed to find for so long before meeting my eric. their love is the love i measure all things against. they are the reason i am able to love unconditionally, and know (at least a few things i hope) about how to be a loving and successful wife. they always told me while i was growing up, "when it's right, you'll know" and ill be honest... my response was always a big, fat "yeah right" accompanied with an eye roll that surprisingly enough didn't cause my eye balls to fall right out of their sockets. though i knew their story, and knew it well growing up, i never thought that type of thing could happen more than once. what are the odds? but im so glad they stuck to their guns and kept me holding on to what little bit of hope i had. it's so funny to me the parallels i am now able to draw between their love story and my own.
so what happened was this- my mom and dad had met through a mutual friend and were definitely interested in one another, but nothing ended up happening. mostly because my dad was scared of girls- especially girls like her! my mom was a bit of a wild child, cute as hell, and confident. my dad was shy, really quiet, and im pretty sure had NO idea how to even begin dating a girl like her. after they met that first time, they would talk on the phone a lot. my dad lived a few short hours away, but he always seemed to find a way of making those few short hours stand between taking things to the next step with my mom, and going on a date. it wasn't long before my mom got bored and realized "this guy is never going to make a move!" and moved on. years later, after breaking off an engagement to a guy who im told looked JUST like brad pitt... their paths crossed again. this time though, my mom wasn't about to let him get away so easy. they had five consecutive dates- on the first date, they went for ice cream. in true "karen style" my mom decided she didn't love her ice cream as much as she did his, so she made him switch. :) on their third date they chose my name for the little girl they both were sure they would one day have. on their fifth date, the proposal took place and she said yes. in the song i wrote for them a few years back (ill share that later...) it says that SHE is the one who proposed. not entirely true, but it is in a way... ya see- my mom was pretty clear about what it was she wanted- a marriage and a family. SHE is the one who was the driving force that really caused the proposal. im not saying my dad didn't love her, or that he didn't want to propose, im just saying that he wasn't the type to just "follow his heart" and get down on one knee after 5 dates. i think it took some coaxing. lol. anyway, pretty much right after that 5th date of theirs, my dad was shipped overseas to germany, and my mom stayed back and planned the wedding. he came home just a few short months later, married the girl of his dreams and off they sailed into the sun set.
i think saying that lots of people thought they were kinda crazy is a bit of an understatement. it's not the type of thing that happens often, but once in a blue moon- love will reveal itself to you and it's up to YOU to jump on that train and ride it as long as you possibly can. boy am i glad they did! so funny though, to think about people disagreeing with my mom and dad so long ago. im sure there were whispers, and i know it couldn't have been easy. but "when it's right- you'll know." i think what's most funny to me about the thought of people saying they shouldn't marry all those years ago, is because i see who and what they are now. and because i know that they are the relationship that my husband and i, as well as many of my friends, and other family- have chosen to model our relationships after. i believe that if eric and i could have even a shred of what they have in their marriage, we'd be better and stronger than most.
here we are- 34 years later and they are STILL in love. they are STILL a team. they are STILL solid and happy. my dad STILL can't ever seem to tell her "no" and she STILL thinks he's the cutest guy in the room, no matter what. i love it. so- happy anniversary mom and dad! thank you for giving me such an amazing relationship to model mine after! thank you for showing me what it means to be a spouse. thank you for giving me a home where i had BOTH my parents, always united, and always in love.
a few years ago- when i first moved to nashville and spent most of my time pursuing music, i wrote a song about my mom and dad. this was before i met my eric, and when the wonder of their love just continually intrigued and amazed me. (not that it doesn't still now, but since finding my own "once in a lifetime sorta love" i kinda feel a little less intrigued by their love, and a little more understanding. it's almost like now i feel like we each share an experience that is so similar and so far from what anyone else shares... it's just an understanding i don't think other people get.)
anyway- eric's been trying to figure out how i can upload this song and share it on my blog for you... and im HOPING that will be done by tomorrow to honor them on their special day! but until then... here are the lyrics... (i love you mom and dad!)
their love
she said baby, lets get married. take me to that chapel with the wooden door.
yeah she said maybe this love we're feeling could last a lifetime, and so much more.
and he thought she's crazy, should i laugh out loud? she must be joking, then he heard the sound, of her saying
ill love you forever
till death to us part
ill be forever, isn't this the start
of a love that is perfect, a love that is true?
i will hold you, have you, ill love you,
and so much more.
he said baby, i just met you, i got no money but okay- sure.
yeah he said maybe this love is bigger than all life's problems, maybe we will soar.
and they called them crazy, they laughed out loud, no one thought they'd make it, till they heard the sounds, of them saying
ill love you forever
till death do us part
ill be your forever, isn't this the start
of a love that is perfect, a love that is true?
i will hold you, have you, ill love you,
and so much more
and the world watched in wonder as they danced through their lives
the world watched in wonder as they soared up high, singing
ill love you forever, till death do us part
you're my forever, everyday's the start of a
a love that is perfect, a love that is true
i live to hold you, have you, to love you
more and more
anyway! the real reason for my post today is to write about my parents, and their story. tomorrow my lovely mom and dad will celebrate 34 years of wedded bliss. their love is the love i longed to find for so long before meeting my eric. their love is the love i measure all things against. they are the reason i am able to love unconditionally, and know (at least a few things i hope) about how to be a loving and successful wife. they always told me while i was growing up, "when it's right, you'll know" and ill be honest... my response was always a big, fat "yeah right" accompanied with an eye roll that surprisingly enough didn't cause my eye balls to fall right out of their sockets. though i knew their story, and knew it well growing up, i never thought that type of thing could happen more than once. what are the odds? but im so glad they stuck to their guns and kept me holding on to what little bit of hope i had. it's so funny to me the parallels i am now able to draw between their love story and my own.
so what happened was this- my mom and dad had met through a mutual friend and were definitely interested in one another, but nothing ended up happening. mostly because my dad was scared of girls- especially girls like her! my mom was a bit of a wild child, cute as hell, and confident. my dad was shy, really quiet, and im pretty sure had NO idea how to even begin dating a girl like her. after they met that first time, they would talk on the phone a lot. my dad lived a few short hours away, but he always seemed to find a way of making those few short hours stand between taking things to the next step with my mom, and going on a date. it wasn't long before my mom got bored and realized "this guy is never going to make a move!" and moved on. years later, after breaking off an engagement to a guy who im told looked JUST like brad pitt... their paths crossed again. this time though, my mom wasn't about to let him get away so easy. they had five consecutive dates- on the first date, they went for ice cream. in true "karen style" my mom decided she didn't love her ice cream as much as she did his, so she made him switch. :) on their third date they chose my name for the little girl they both were sure they would one day have. on their fifth date, the proposal took place and she said yes. in the song i wrote for them a few years back (ill share that later...) it says that SHE is the one who proposed. not entirely true, but it is in a way... ya see- my mom was pretty clear about what it was she wanted- a marriage and a family. SHE is the one who was the driving force that really caused the proposal. im not saying my dad didn't love her, or that he didn't want to propose, im just saying that he wasn't the type to just "follow his heart" and get down on one knee after 5 dates. i think it took some coaxing. lol. anyway, pretty much right after that 5th date of theirs, my dad was shipped overseas to germany, and my mom stayed back and planned the wedding. he came home just a few short months later, married the girl of his dreams and off they sailed into the sun set.
i think saying that lots of people thought they were kinda crazy is a bit of an understatement. it's not the type of thing that happens often, but once in a blue moon- love will reveal itself to you and it's up to YOU to jump on that train and ride it as long as you possibly can. boy am i glad they did! so funny though, to think about people disagreeing with my mom and dad so long ago. im sure there were whispers, and i know it couldn't have been easy. but "when it's right- you'll know." i think what's most funny to me about the thought of people saying they shouldn't marry all those years ago, is because i see who and what they are now. and because i know that they are the relationship that my husband and i, as well as many of my friends, and other family- have chosen to model our relationships after. i believe that if eric and i could have even a shred of what they have in their marriage, we'd be better and stronger than most.
here we are- 34 years later and they are STILL in love. they are STILL a team. they are STILL solid and happy. my dad STILL can't ever seem to tell her "no" and she STILL thinks he's the cutest guy in the room, no matter what. i love it. so- happy anniversary mom and dad! thank you for giving me such an amazing relationship to model mine after! thank you for showing me what it means to be a spouse. thank you for giving me a home where i had BOTH my parents, always united, and always in love.
a few years ago- when i first moved to nashville and spent most of my time pursuing music, i wrote a song about my mom and dad. this was before i met my eric, and when the wonder of their love just continually intrigued and amazed me. (not that it doesn't still now, but since finding my own "once in a lifetime sorta love" i kinda feel a little less intrigued by their love, and a little more understanding. it's almost like now i feel like we each share an experience that is so similar and so far from what anyone else shares... it's just an understanding i don't think other people get.)
anyway- eric's been trying to figure out how i can upload this song and share it on my blog for you... and im HOPING that will be done by tomorrow to honor them on their special day! but until then... here are the lyrics... (i love you mom and dad!)
their love
she said baby, lets get married. take me to that chapel with the wooden door.
yeah she said maybe this love we're feeling could last a lifetime, and so much more.
and he thought she's crazy, should i laugh out loud? she must be joking, then he heard the sound, of her saying
ill love you forever
till death to us part
ill be forever, isn't this the start
of a love that is perfect, a love that is true?
i will hold you, have you, ill love you,
and so much more.
he said baby, i just met you, i got no money but okay- sure.
yeah he said maybe this love is bigger than all life's problems, maybe we will soar.
and they called them crazy, they laughed out loud, no one thought they'd make it, till they heard the sounds, of them saying
ill love you forever
till death do us part
ill be your forever, isn't this the start
of a love that is perfect, a love that is true?
i will hold you, have you, ill love you,
and so much more
and the world watched in wonder as they danced through their lives
the world watched in wonder as they soared up high, singing
ill love you forever, till death do us part
you're my forever, everyday's the start of a
a love that is perfect, a love that is true
i live to hold you, have you, to love you
more and more
HELP!
can any of you expert bloggers tell me how i might be able to upload a song of mine onto my blog to share??? eric did some research for me and it all was to no avail. NEED HELP BY TOMORROW!
4.14.2011
this is the life..
so for a long time now ive been unable to send any of my pictures from my cell phone to facebook. it totally stinks! weird thing is? it'll let me send them via email, and it'll let me send them to other people- just not fb. which is no fun at all, because i love to share pics of my little chitlins with all of fb so that they can be jealous of my life. lol. sooo... without further ado... here are some pictures of my favorite 3: carter ross "rossi p!", jenna claire, and sophie.
my magnificent THREE. this is what i do each day... and i love it.
prettiest girl in town. hands down. no joke. this child is a beacon of light on a really dreary, dark day. she loves anything crafty, pretend play, and dressing up. she is the ultimate "girl" and has the sweetest little spirit of anyone ive ever known.
i LOVE this picture! it's just so "them." ross is the funny man- always looking to earn a laugh or a giggle. and jenna claire- so adoringly looking up to her big brother who is just like "so cool" in her mind. i love the way they love each other.
super cute, silly sallies.
rossi p- i just think he is so, so, so good looking! he's the one that keeps me guessing- never know what to expect. he says the most hysterical things, and always has a way of making sense out of what we adults always deem to be very "complicated" situations. SO SMART, and SO FUNNY, he loves anything related to sports- especially hockey and soccer. i just know that he is destined to be someone very, very important in this world.
so sweet. sophie b.
mo-hawk madness! this baby has SO MUCH HAIR! i LOVE it! lately she seems to always manage to get all kinds of icky food in her hair so when i wipe her down, the hair usually gets a wipe down too... which leaves lots of possible style solutions. she's such a little rock star and i love it!
such a pretty little face. (messy from yogurt, of course...) sophie is just so much fun these days! she is growing like a weed! learning so much, so fast! she dances now to any sort of music she hears- even if it's just on one of her little musical toys. i love to watch her bob her head and bounce her chunky little knees. she's not walking just yet but is OH SO CLOSE! she's been cruising for months and probably COULD walk if she wanted, but i think she realizes she is fastest on all fours. :) SUCH a sweet baby, she makes my day!
my magnificent THREE. this is what i do each day... and i love it.
prettiest girl in town. hands down. no joke. this child is a beacon of light on a really dreary, dark day. she loves anything crafty, pretend play, and dressing up. she is the ultimate "girl" and has the sweetest little spirit of anyone ive ever known.
i LOVE this picture! it's just so "them." ross is the funny man- always looking to earn a laugh or a giggle. and jenna claire- so adoringly looking up to her big brother who is just like "so cool" in her mind. i love the way they love each other.
super cute, silly sallies.
rossi p- i just think he is so, so, so good looking! he's the one that keeps me guessing- never know what to expect. he says the most hysterical things, and always has a way of making sense out of what we adults always deem to be very "complicated" situations. SO SMART, and SO FUNNY, he loves anything related to sports- especially hockey and soccer. i just know that he is destined to be someone very, very important in this world.
so sweet. sophie b.
mo-hawk madness! this baby has SO MUCH HAIR! i LOVE it! lately she seems to always manage to get all kinds of icky food in her hair so when i wipe her down, the hair usually gets a wipe down too... which leaves lots of possible style solutions. she's such a little rock star and i love it!
such a pretty little face. (messy from yogurt, of course...) sophie is just so much fun these days! she is growing like a weed! learning so much, so fast! she dances now to any sort of music she hears- even if it's just on one of her little musical toys. i love to watch her bob her head and bounce her chunky little knees. she's not walking just yet but is OH SO CLOSE! she's been cruising for months and probably COULD walk if she wanted, but i think she realizes she is fastest on all fours. :) SUCH a sweet baby, she makes my day!
4.13.2011
i feel like a rockstar when...
i feel like a rockstar when....
1) my husband calls me in the middle of the day, just because.
2) i get to work each morning, and get a great, big, happy smile from my sophie-licious.
3) my house is cleaned from top to bottom, and all of the laundry is clean, folded and put away.
4) i take a shower at night after a long, productive day, get on some fresh, comfy jammies, and lay in my bed.
5) i get home from work, and my bristol is right at the door, wagging and jumping and SO happy to see her mommy!
6) i go to get jenna claire and rossi p from school, and they run to me, jumping in my arms SO excited to tell me about their day!
7) i do something nice for someone else- just because.
8) my mom or dad tell me they are proud of who ive become.
9) i give a gift to someone that took a lot of thought and effort, and can see that they really truly love it!
10) my car is clean. inside and out. all shiny and new looking.
11) it's a cool, spring day and the sun in shining and i ride with the windows down singing at the top of my lungs and dancing like a fool.
12) i go somewhere new where i don't know anyone, but the people there know my husband. i can tell those people are just so jealous, lol.
13) i wear my hubby's ray ban aviators.
14) i finish working out at the gym and have pushed myself further than i ever thought possible.
15) im able to sit down and pay ALL of our bills and STILL have money to spare.
16) i get to talk to my sister-in-law and brother.
17) i complete a long-sought after decorating project and can stand back and feel like it came out good.
18) people who know me... really know me... tell me that im nice.
19) i carry burbs. (how could i NOT?)
20) im able to care for my hubs. re-filling his drinks, baking him his favorite cookies, and making sure he has everything his little heart desires.
1) my husband calls me in the middle of the day, just because.
2) i get to work each morning, and get a great, big, happy smile from my sophie-licious.
3) my house is cleaned from top to bottom, and all of the laundry is clean, folded and put away.
4) i take a shower at night after a long, productive day, get on some fresh, comfy jammies, and lay in my bed.
5) i get home from work, and my bristol is right at the door, wagging and jumping and SO happy to see her mommy!
6) i go to get jenna claire and rossi p from school, and they run to me, jumping in my arms SO excited to tell me about their day!
7) i do something nice for someone else- just because.
8) my mom or dad tell me they are proud of who ive become.
9) i give a gift to someone that took a lot of thought and effort, and can see that they really truly love it!
10) my car is clean. inside and out. all shiny and new looking.
11) it's a cool, spring day and the sun in shining and i ride with the windows down singing at the top of my lungs and dancing like a fool.
12) i go somewhere new where i don't know anyone, but the people there know my husband. i can tell those people are just so jealous, lol.
13) i wear my hubby's ray ban aviators.
14) i finish working out at the gym and have pushed myself further than i ever thought possible.
15) im able to sit down and pay ALL of our bills and STILL have money to spare.
16) i get to talk to my sister-in-law and brother.
17) i complete a long-sought after decorating project and can stand back and feel like it came out good.
18) people who know me... really know me... tell me that im nice.
19) i carry burbs. (how could i NOT?)
20) im able to care for my hubs. re-filling his drinks, baking him his favorite cookies, and making sure he has everything his little heart desires.
4.11.2011
im still alive!
i feel like i haven't blogged in ages! seriously!! lots has gone on in the past week or two that has managed to keep me busy or pre-occupied elsewhere. BUT im here now, and ready to update on life in my world.
1) eric's birthday weekend turned out to be a smashing success! i tried to throw him a surprise party and that didn't really pan out... well- the surprise part didnt, the party part did! i think it's kinda tricky to keep secrets from your spouse... kinda dangerous if you ask me, and when i began to get questioned, i buckled and hadta spill. BUT! it was a fun time none-the-less. i felt blessed to have so many people take time out of their busy lives to come and celebrate my mister. here's a pic of the old man blowing out his over the hill candles- him being THIRTY and all, i thought it was appropriate. :)
so we celebrated the night of his birthday at one of our favorite little hangs up the road- jonny's and then spent the weekend celebrating too. we had a cook out on saturday and ill be honest- it's times like those that i really wish you all lived closer! woulda made the cook out WAY MORE FUN to say the least. :) sunday was spent birthday shopping, where he chose these...
so basically, it was kind of a four day long celebration, which i thought was pretty great! he deserves it. and with his bat-outta-hell mom being m.i.a. and all, i found it totally and completely necessary to go a bit overboard to make sure he felt loved and celebrated. :)
2) eric's been super busy in the evenings doing this little side business thing and though it's pretty awesome that he's been given the opportunity, i kinda hate him being gone all the time. im way too selfish with our time for us, to just feel fine about him leaving 3 - 4 evenings a week. BUT! it's a good opportunity, and will end up making him quite a bit of extra money, and that's kinda hard to pass up so i get it. basically, the old owner of his company also owns this shelving company (as well as several other random companies... weird) and basically what it is, is they go into medical facilities and hospitals and replace the existing shelving (for files) with the nicer, rolling shelves. who woulda thought, right? but pope (the guy who started the company) doesn't really want to deal with the shelving thing anymore because he's like a bah-zillion-are, and an extra 5K here and there is like chump change to him. so he's GIVING THE COMPANY TO ERIC! crazy, right?? so yeah- like i said, obviously a really good opportunity, but i do miss him when he's gone. lately, ill see him for 20 - 30 minutes when i get home from work, and then he's gone. he won't get home till much, much, MUCH later, and usually im konked out sleeping by then. kinda blows, but we're hoping this will be a nice opportunity to save some money, etc.
3) there have been so many ross-isms lately it's hard to remember but a few of his most recent funny-guy statements are as follows:
ross: "ms. maryellen?"
me: "yes ross?"
ross: "who invented the idea of homework?"
me: "hmm, im not sure ross, why?"
ross: "because, id like to have a niiiiiiccccceeeee, looooooooooonnnnngggg chat with THAT guy!"
(he HATES homework!)
he has lately been having quite a bit of trouble blurting out in school. he has been working on this all school year, but after his rendevous in mexico for spring break, he seemed to come back forgetting exactly what was expected, etc. when he gets a "1" (meaning he did a bad job in that particular area for the day), he looses his priveledges at home (tv, computer, video games, etc). so after a week straight with 1's, his dad asked him "ross, if you KNOW you're going to loose your privledges for blurting out, and you KNOW that it's just not going to be good for you in the end, why do you still do it?" and ross said "dad, the best thing i can say to explain it is this- ya know how a guy can get on cigarettes? and he KNOWS that theyre back for him, but he just cant stop and he does it anyway?" and his dad said "yeah." then ross said "well for me- blurting out is my cigarette. i KNOW it's bad for me, but i just cant stop."
this kid has a way of putting things into such perspective. it's so true. and don't we ALL do things that we KNOW are not in our best interest? and yet we demand perfection from our kids... well- not really in this case actually... but you know what i mean. sometimes, i think it's easy to forget that life is just not so black/white. we are quick to say "just stop it! don't do that anymore!" but in reality, it's a lot harder than we remember to realize. never the less- this kid makes me happy. he's so, so, so cute, and sweet and fun to be around. growing like a weed too!
i am a lucky, lucky lady to have this life. i learn something new every single day because ive been given the opportunity to see what life is like through the eyes of a child. i am grateful.
4) lastly, id like to leave you with this little tid-bit... can i just say how lucky i am that i get to come to "work" each day and am greeted by THIS?
gosh i love her!
1) eric's birthday weekend turned out to be a smashing success! i tried to throw him a surprise party and that didn't really pan out... well- the surprise part didnt, the party part did! i think it's kinda tricky to keep secrets from your spouse... kinda dangerous if you ask me, and when i began to get questioned, i buckled and hadta spill. BUT! it was a fun time none-the-less. i felt blessed to have so many people take time out of their busy lives to come and celebrate my mister. here's a pic of the old man blowing out his over the hill candles- him being THIRTY and all, i thought it was appropriate. :)
so we celebrated the night of his birthday at one of our favorite little hangs up the road- jonny's and then spent the weekend celebrating too. we had a cook out on saturday and ill be honest- it's times like those that i really wish you all lived closer! woulda made the cook out WAY MORE FUN to say the least. :) sunday was spent birthday shopping, where he chose these...
so basically, it was kind of a four day long celebration, which i thought was pretty great! he deserves it. and with his bat-outta-hell mom being m.i.a. and all, i found it totally and completely necessary to go a bit overboard to make sure he felt loved and celebrated. :)
2) eric's been super busy in the evenings doing this little side business thing and though it's pretty awesome that he's been given the opportunity, i kinda hate him being gone all the time. im way too selfish with our time for us, to just feel fine about him leaving 3 - 4 evenings a week. BUT! it's a good opportunity, and will end up making him quite a bit of extra money, and that's kinda hard to pass up so i get it. basically, the old owner of his company also owns this shelving company (as well as several other random companies... weird) and basically what it is, is they go into medical facilities and hospitals and replace the existing shelving (for files) with the nicer, rolling shelves. who woulda thought, right? but pope (the guy who started the company) doesn't really want to deal with the shelving thing anymore because he's like a bah-zillion-are, and an extra 5K here and there is like chump change to him. so he's GIVING THE COMPANY TO ERIC! crazy, right?? so yeah- like i said, obviously a really good opportunity, but i do miss him when he's gone. lately, ill see him for 20 - 30 minutes when i get home from work, and then he's gone. he won't get home till much, much, MUCH later, and usually im konked out sleeping by then. kinda blows, but we're hoping this will be a nice opportunity to save some money, etc.
3) there have been so many ross-isms lately it's hard to remember but a few of his most recent funny-guy statements are as follows:
ross: "ms. maryellen?"
me: "yes ross?"
ross: "who invented the idea of homework?"
me: "hmm, im not sure ross, why?"
ross: "because, id like to have a niiiiiiccccceeeee, looooooooooonnnnngggg chat with THAT guy!"
(he HATES homework!)
he has lately been having quite a bit of trouble blurting out in school. he has been working on this all school year, but after his rendevous in mexico for spring break, he seemed to come back forgetting exactly what was expected, etc. when he gets a "1" (meaning he did a bad job in that particular area for the day), he looses his priveledges at home (tv, computer, video games, etc). so after a week straight with 1's, his dad asked him "ross, if you KNOW you're going to loose your privledges for blurting out, and you KNOW that it's just not going to be good for you in the end, why do you still do it?" and ross said "dad, the best thing i can say to explain it is this- ya know how a guy can get on cigarettes? and he KNOWS that theyre back for him, but he just cant stop and he does it anyway?" and his dad said "yeah." then ross said "well for me- blurting out is my cigarette. i KNOW it's bad for me, but i just cant stop."
this kid has a way of putting things into such perspective. it's so true. and don't we ALL do things that we KNOW are not in our best interest? and yet we demand perfection from our kids... well- not really in this case actually... but you know what i mean. sometimes, i think it's easy to forget that life is just not so black/white. we are quick to say "just stop it! don't do that anymore!" but in reality, it's a lot harder than we remember to realize. never the less- this kid makes me happy. he's so, so, so cute, and sweet and fun to be around. growing like a weed too!
i am a lucky, lucky lady to have this life. i learn something new every single day because ive been given the opportunity to see what life is like through the eyes of a child. i am grateful.
4) lastly, id like to leave you with this little tid-bit... can i just say how lucky i am that i get to come to "work" each day and am greeted by THIS?
gosh i love her!
3.29.2011
a few random thoughts..
1) so here's the thing about facebook and email and blogs and texts... they make it really hard to communicate. well- to communicate effectively that is. obviously all of these developments are awesome for SO many reasons, and have become a HUGE part of our lives in this day and age... but is it not a total drag when you realize you may have been totally and completely misunderstood because a person may have read in to one of your sentences the wrong way? without being able to hear the intonation in someones voice, or to watch and see their body language, it becomes really difficult to figure out exactly what they mean. i am thankful for facebook, and email, and blogs, and texts... but i do kinda miss the times when face-to-face interaction was valued above all else, and an actual phone conversation came in as a close second place. i guess the bottom line is that when you put this stuff out there, you just hafta trust that the people reading it know you well enough to decide where your hearts when you post it. and you also hafta be EXTRA mindful of what you're saying, how it might sound to an outsider, and how it could potentially be twisted and manipulated to mean something you'd never even considered before! tricky tricky!
2) sophie has a tooth coming in and it's hurting her real bad. i wish i could take the pain for her! she clearly doesn't feel well at all, is running a low grade fever, has kind of a snotty nose, and doesn't want to eat. my poor, poor sugar. if i could do it in her place, i WOULD! in a red, hot minute.
3) my husband makes me happy. yesterday afternoon was kind of a bear. i got off of the phone with my oldest and dearest friend, and my head was spinning. reeling even. somewhere between beginning the conversation and ending it, id developed a headache that simply would NOT budge. im guessing it was from the messy, confusing, emotionally charged conversation that took place while on the line. at the end of the day, when i went home and had the chance to relay the convo to my hubs, my headache went away... just like that- it was gone. i think it's because he makes me feel calm, and safe. i think it's because he is supportive and reassuring. i love that.
4) on the topic of said oldest and dearest friend... if you are reading this, i hope you know that i would never want to hurt or argue with you, and that im sorry we have come to disagree on so many things. please know that our differences don't have to impair this friendship... i value you, even though we have different perspectives. with that said though, i understand that friendships have seasons, and sometimes people just grow apart. i cant help but wonder if that's the case here. never the less, regardless of what has happened, or where that path of our friendship might take us in the future- i support you, and i care about you, and i value you.
5) my hubs is turning THIRTY on thursday! he is what i like to call a classic "oldie but a goodie." dont worry babe- im not going to leave you just cause you're old! :) well..... i might hafta leave for a few minutes to run to wal mart for the laxatives and bed pans, but have no fear... ill return real soon with all the essential old folks goodies. still thinking of ideas for a fun birthday weekend- we need to make this one big.
6) just because i value a person and mention it, it does not mean i value you any less, okay? don't be so insecure and project your own personal issues onto me. thats just no fair. thanks.
7) im hoping the weather will hold up for the weekend. complete with sunshine and blue skies! that'd be nice for shizzle! last weekend was kinda the pits!
8) i got my first real manicure with my bestie josh over my birthday weekend, and i think i might be an addict now. who knew it was so fun to have pretty, pretty nails? i went back this past weekend, to have them re-do the polish, and ta-da! perfection. just makes a girl feel fancy.
9) no matter how many times i replace my phone battery i cannot, cannot, cannot seem to make it through the day without it dying! seriously. very, very, VERY frustrating.
10) without further ado, i would like to formally announce that my bristol... bristol anne adams... my precious and sweet baby girl... is SUCH a good girl! it has now been a week and a half and she has not stepped foot in her cage ONCE! she's stayed out all day, everyday, and has not had one single accident! and the shoes have been safe too! such a precious and smart girl! it took a lot of work and patience to get here, but man! i am STOAKED!
2) sophie has a tooth coming in and it's hurting her real bad. i wish i could take the pain for her! she clearly doesn't feel well at all, is running a low grade fever, has kind of a snotty nose, and doesn't want to eat. my poor, poor sugar. if i could do it in her place, i WOULD! in a red, hot minute.
3) my husband makes me happy. yesterday afternoon was kind of a bear. i got off of the phone with my oldest and dearest friend, and my head was spinning. reeling even. somewhere between beginning the conversation and ending it, id developed a headache that simply would NOT budge. im guessing it was from the messy, confusing, emotionally charged conversation that took place while on the line. at the end of the day, when i went home and had the chance to relay the convo to my hubs, my headache went away... just like that- it was gone. i think it's because he makes me feel calm, and safe. i think it's because he is supportive and reassuring. i love that.
4) on the topic of said oldest and dearest friend... if you are reading this, i hope you know that i would never want to hurt or argue with you, and that im sorry we have come to disagree on so many things. please know that our differences don't have to impair this friendship... i value you, even though we have different perspectives. with that said though, i understand that friendships have seasons, and sometimes people just grow apart. i cant help but wonder if that's the case here. never the less, regardless of what has happened, or where that path of our friendship might take us in the future- i support you, and i care about you, and i value you.
5) my hubs is turning THIRTY on thursday! he is what i like to call a classic "oldie but a goodie." dont worry babe- im not going to leave you just cause you're old! :) well..... i might hafta leave for a few minutes to run to wal mart for the laxatives and bed pans, but have no fear... ill return real soon with all the essential old folks goodies. still thinking of ideas for a fun birthday weekend- we need to make this one big.
6) just because i value a person and mention it, it does not mean i value you any less, okay? don't be so insecure and project your own personal issues onto me. thats just no fair. thanks.
7) im hoping the weather will hold up for the weekend. complete with sunshine and blue skies! that'd be nice for shizzle! last weekend was kinda the pits!
8) i got my first real manicure with my bestie josh over my birthday weekend, and i think i might be an addict now. who knew it was so fun to have pretty, pretty nails? i went back this past weekend, to have them re-do the polish, and ta-da! perfection. just makes a girl feel fancy.
9) no matter how many times i replace my phone battery i cannot, cannot, cannot seem to make it through the day without it dying! seriously. very, very, VERY frustrating.
10) without further ado, i would like to formally announce that my bristol... bristol anne adams... my precious and sweet baby girl... is SUCH a good girl! it has now been a week and a half and she has not stepped foot in her cage ONCE! she's stayed out all day, everyday, and has not had one single accident! and the shoes have been safe too! such a precious and smart girl! it took a lot of work and patience to get here, but man! i am STOAKED!
3.27.2011
judgement. accountability. graciousness. love.
isn't it funny how we all make judgements about people and situations like we know a thing or two? yet in reality we are just on-lookers... observers... people who have not ever and probably will not ever find themselves in the situations we are looking at. and yet we somehow find a way to justify our judgements? i am guilty of this for sure- it's something ive noticed to be a common trend among people in today's society. we always seems to know better. we always seem to have the solution to the problems that the guy next door is facing. yet when do we ever really stop to ask ourselves what it must be like to walk in that person's shoes? and when are we ever going to realize that if we have not ever walked in those shoes- we have absolutely NO right to judge? it's funny to me how many people forget these simple things... isn't it all about graciousness in the end? aren't we as people called to show grace and mercy on people? and yet we judge.
i made a very short and brief comment along these lines of judgement on facebook yesterday... wasn't meant to be offensive or mean or rude. i wasn't upset or trying to hurt feelings. i simply said 'isn't it fair to say that if we've never walked a mile in those shoes we are in no place to judge?' and within 24 hours- id been axed from that person's facebook. gone. the person who axed me isn't necessarily a "good" friend of mine but she is someone i met several years ago and have always really liked. ill be honest- it kinda sucked to be axed. BUT then i realized that maybe what caused her to axe me was that she felt the harsh sting of accountability. and even though my words were not offensive or mean or hateful... they made her uncomfortable because i was right. and so in the face of accountability instead of choosing to address why it stung a bit to hear my point of view... she deleted me. how will we ever become better as people if we refuse to consider other people's opinions and points of view? how will we ever become better as people if we run from accountabiliy?
as christians we are called to love. i have never been the type of christian who subscribes to the point of view that we are to "convert the masses" or "judge the unholy" or "beat the truth into the lost with our fire and brimestone bible-beating antics." i simply think that we as christians are called to love. and not just to love people who are easy to love either. but i also believe that at the root of love is graciousness. in my mind the two go hand in hand. if i sit up here on my pedestal and act like i know everything about everything- like ive been in every tough spot there is to be in and i KNOW the right way out?? i will never be able to show true grace or compassion... which means i will never be able to really love.
at the end of the day this situation just got me thinking... about how we as a people are so quick to judge and how we refuse to be held or hold ourselves accountable. even if it means showing your ass and up and deleting someone from your friends list on facebook. lol. so lame. i can say that while im sorry she found herself offended... i stand by the comment i made because i know where my heart was when i made the comment. and though it would be easy to get mad and say mean things or whatever- this person deserves graciousness just like the rest of us which is why it is okay. in all honesty i guess i am glad that my beliefs about judgement made this person think. my hope is that maybe she will at least take the time to consider what i said and know that if she ever wants to understand the true meaning of love... she's gonna have to start by showing a bit of compassion and graciousness to the people who need it the most.
i made a very short and brief comment along these lines of judgement on facebook yesterday... wasn't meant to be offensive or mean or rude. i wasn't upset or trying to hurt feelings. i simply said 'isn't it fair to say that if we've never walked a mile in those shoes we are in no place to judge?' and within 24 hours- id been axed from that person's facebook. gone. the person who axed me isn't necessarily a "good" friend of mine but she is someone i met several years ago and have always really liked. ill be honest- it kinda sucked to be axed. BUT then i realized that maybe what caused her to axe me was that she felt the harsh sting of accountability. and even though my words were not offensive or mean or hateful... they made her uncomfortable because i was right. and so in the face of accountability instead of choosing to address why it stung a bit to hear my point of view... she deleted me. how will we ever become better as people if we refuse to consider other people's opinions and points of view? how will we ever become better as people if we run from accountabiliy?
as christians we are called to love. i have never been the type of christian who subscribes to the point of view that we are to "convert the masses" or "judge the unholy" or "beat the truth into the lost with our fire and brimestone bible-beating antics." i simply think that we as christians are called to love. and not just to love people who are easy to love either. but i also believe that at the root of love is graciousness. in my mind the two go hand in hand. if i sit up here on my pedestal and act like i know everything about everything- like ive been in every tough spot there is to be in and i KNOW the right way out?? i will never be able to show true grace or compassion... which means i will never be able to really love.
at the end of the day this situation just got me thinking... about how we as a people are so quick to judge and how we refuse to be held or hold ourselves accountable. even if it means showing your ass and up and deleting someone from your friends list on facebook. lol. so lame. i can say that while im sorry she found herself offended... i stand by the comment i made because i know where my heart was when i made the comment. and though it would be easy to get mad and say mean things or whatever- this person deserves graciousness just like the rest of us which is why it is okay. in all honesty i guess i am glad that my beliefs about judgement made this person think. my hope is that maybe she will at least take the time to consider what i said and know that if she ever wants to understand the true meaning of love... she's gonna have to start by showing a bit of compassion and graciousness to the people who need it the most.
3.25.2011
just because im pretty sure we could ALL use a laugh...
oh. my. gosh.
seriously- is that cute or what??
3.23.2011
he is at peace..
as im sure the majority of you already knew, mike finally ended his fight early this morning and is gone. i got the news first thing this morning, and have since spent the rest of my day wrestling with things. one thing i know for sure, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that it is so, so comforting to know that he is finally at peace and out of pain. but this day for me has been plagued with questions i can't seem to find the answers to. my mind is racing with thoughts of what he must have felt in his last moments on earth... was he scared? was he worried to leave his family? or maybe he was just too tired? what about his family? what are they doing now? i can't imagine what it must have been like once he did finally die... did they look around at each other and not know what to do? or where to go? i wonder if they just felt lost. ive asked myself what heaven is really like... is it really as they say? where the streets are lined with gold, and where the sun shines daily? what about the whole idea of being able to look down on your loved ones and watch over them? is that really true? one of the biggest things ive found myself really struggling with is the "why." not really "why did mike have to die?" although i would love to know what the rhyme or reason behind that was... but more why (if this was the ultimate outcome for him anyway), did mike have to spend so much time suffering? fighting and fighting and fighting for a goal that was unattainable from the start. kinda makes me mad a little. for four months now, he has lived in that hospital fighting. he has celebrated even the smallest of victories and has worked toward newness and toward getting his life back. why was that necessary if he was not going to win the fight? or maybe he DID win the fight, and i just haven't realized it yet. but why put his family through such pain? giving them reasons to hope, all to snag that rug right out from under them when they least expect it. and even more- he couldn't have just been sick, but he had to be in constant pain... there seems to be something very wrong about that to me. a good, good man, suffering and in pain for months... dies. everyone likes a happy ending, especially me. but for me, this is more than the story not having a happy ending... now that the conclusion has come, ive found myself annoyed at the cruelty of the moments that have lead us to this moment.
while my heart and my mind have been busy wrestling with questions i can not ever, and probably will not ever find the answers to, my body is just tired. i keep thinking of how jordan, katie and lisa must feel. i bet they're tired too. today, ive thought lots about katie. maybe because i see a lot of myself in her- just being raised in a very loving, church-going family, where my dad was my hero and no one adored me more than him. i think back to when i was her age... and though i absolutely adored my father, i didn't actually know him. how sad, that she might feel somewhere down the road, that though she loved and adored him, she was never given the chance to actually know him. it wasn't until id passed all through my teenage years and became an adult, that i really started to know my dad. she will never get that opportunity. who will interview her boyfriends? who will walk her down the aisle on her wedding day? see? more questions that have no answers...
ultimately, though it's been a very rough and thought provoking day for me... my main concern is for his family right now. i can't imagine how they must feel, and i wish i was there to do something... anything at all to help ease their pain. my prayer is that they are also at peace with the situation, just as he is. my prayer is that they will feel the kind of comfort that makes no sense at all... from the inside, out. my prayer is that they will be able to rest easy, and that they wont feel afraid to move forward. my prayer is that at some point in time, there will be a silver lining revealed so that they can be at peace in knowing it was just his time to go. my prayer is that they know it's okay to break down and cry, that they don't have to be strong all the time. my prayer is that they KNOW that they are not alone, because we are all right here with them- broken hearted, and feeling a little lost.
just because the beatles always have an answer... here is my song for the day:
"let it be"
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
while my heart and my mind have been busy wrestling with questions i can not ever, and probably will not ever find the answers to, my body is just tired. i keep thinking of how jordan, katie and lisa must feel. i bet they're tired too. today, ive thought lots about katie. maybe because i see a lot of myself in her- just being raised in a very loving, church-going family, where my dad was my hero and no one adored me more than him. i think back to when i was her age... and though i absolutely adored my father, i didn't actually know him. how sad, that she might feel somewhere down the road, that though she loved and adored him, she was never given the chance to actually know him. it wasn't until id passed all through my teenage years and became an adult, that i really started to know my dad. she will never get that opportunity. who will interview her boyfriends? who will walk her down the aisle on her wedding day? see? more questions that have no answers...
ultimately, though it's been a very rough and thought provoking day for me... my main concern is for his family right now. i can't imagine how they must feel, and i wish i was there to do something... anything at all to help ease their pain. my prayer is that they are also at peace with the situation, just as he is. my prayer is that they will feel the kind of comfort that makes no sense at all... from the inside, out. my prayer is that they will be able to rest easy, and that they wont feel afraid to move forward. my prayer is that at some point in time, there will be a silver lining revealed so that they can be at peace in knowing it was just his time to go. my prayer is that they know it's okay to break down and cry, that they don't have to be strong all the time. my prayer is that they KNOW that they are not alone, because we are all right here with them- broken hearted, and feeling a little lost.
just because the beatles always have an answer... here is my song for the day:
"let it be"
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
3.22.2011
changed..
the situation with mike... the condition he is in... the fight i know he has fought... and the thought of his family feeling orphaned without him... has changed me. i would have never expected it to impact me as much as it has. maybe it's because he and lisa made such an impact on me when i was growing up. maybe it's because i have this tendency to want to live in, and believe in a world where bad things just do not happen to good people. whatever the reason may be, i am sensing this change that has taken place. at some point in time (yesterday i think), i began to realize that none of this really matters... the details of life i mean. i guess they matter (and they certainly feel HUGE at the time of course) but when all is said and done, the tiny details don't matter. to think that i was all excited and prepared to post pictures from my birthday weekend... prepared to blog about the wedding shower i hosted this weekend that turned out to be a smashing success. i am embarrassed to admit that i have lived my life so wrapped up in the details, that i forget to remember the things that really matter. i found myself humiliated before god last night as i took the time to thank him for my health. for my husbands health. for my precious mom and dad's health. for the health of my brothers and sister-in-law... the people i love that are all around me on a daily basis. the people who impact me, and who i care deeply for. i couldn't remember the last time i got down on my knees and said "thank you!" and yet when something goes wrong, and when i learned mike's not going to make it... i got on my knees to beg for answers. felt the right to ask "WHY!?!" to get mad even. to feel like our prayers had been ignored and that we had been forgotten.
going back to the details thing- i stayed near my phone ALL day yesterday, waiting to get some sort of email notification that there was an update available. checking facebook as many times as i could and i quick as my hands would let me... all to see if someone knew something... anything. i found myself so irritated at the masses and masses of people on there, posting status updates about god knows what. all things that don't matter in the huge scheme of things, things that felt offensive to ME because i felt so broken hearted. isn't it funny how life just goes on? for me, my world kinda stopped yesterday. i struggled. i cried more tears than i could count... i was absolutely consumed with thoughts of this dear, sweet family suffering. and yet, life went on around me, and i found all of the usual status updates about being so irritated to have a cold, or people feeling annoyed to be working late... bitching about friendships that weren't going just right, or the weather being too cold or wet. now, i am guilty of all of these things, but it wasn't until yesterday that i really, truly realized just how wrong we've really gotten it. who cares!? i kept thinking as i folded laundry LATE last night, when i was totally exhausted and felt like my head might actually explode from all the fuzziness brought on from hours of crying, how much i bet mike would love to have the opportunity to fold and put away his wife's clothes for her... just one more time. and i bet he'd take those gray, gloomy days we all complain about any day- a chance to smell the sweet smell of rain, and listen to it fall. is it not true and really quite devastating just how negative we all are? it's like, if we're not complaining about something, how will we know we're still alive? the bottom line is that mike would probably give anything right about now, for one more chance to clean up dishes, or spend time weeding the garden. i bet he'd give up anything to have a life where the worst part of his day was having to get up earlier than he prefers so that he can head out to begin his day at work.
i want to try to be more diligent about my thankfulness. i want to be more mindful of the things that are going right, so that when something goes wrong my entire world doesn't feel like it's ending. i want to take the time to SLOW down, and stop to smell the flowers, and admire their beauty. i am done complaining about the things that just don't matter- and for those of you who want to continue to live your lives that way, that's fine. but in my opinion, you're wasting your life, and you're barking up the wrong tree if you think im going to stop smelling my flowers to listen to your mindless and senseless complaints. im just done with all if it. as long as ive got air in my lungs, and a heart beating in my chest... as long as ive got the love and support of a HEALTHY and happy husband and family? i am the richest girl around.
and because im not typically quite so serious, ill end on a lighter note just to keep you coming back for more. :)
isn't she just the cutest little thing? clapping and smiling and enjoying the springtime grass. oh to be a kid again.... when life was just so simple.
going back to the details thing- i stayed near my phone ALL day yesterday, waiting to get some sort of email notification that there was an update available. checking facebook as many times as i could and i quick as my hands would let me... all to see if someone knew something... anything. i found myself so irritated at the masses and masses of people on there, posting status updates about god knows what. all things that don't matter in the huge scheme of things, things that felt offensive to ME because i felt so broken hearted. isn't it funny how life just goes on? for me, my world kinda stopped yesterday. i struggled. i cried more tears than i could count... i was absolutely consumed with thoughts of this dear, sweet family suffering. and yet, life went on around me, and i found all of the usual status updates about being so irritated to have a cold, or people feeling annoyed to be working late... bitching about friendships that weren't going just right, or the weather being too cold or wet. now, i am guilty of all of these things, but it wasn't until yesterday that i really, truly realized just how wrong we've really gotten it. who cares!? i kept thinking as i folded laundry LATE last night, when i was totally exhausted and felt like my head might actually explode from all the fuzziness brought on from hours of crying, how much i bet mike would love to have the opportunity to fold and put away his wife's clothes for her... just one more time. and i bet he'd take those gray, gloomy days we all complain about any day- a chance to smell the sweet smell of rain, and listen to it fall. is it not true and really quite devastating just how negative we all are? it's like, if we're not complaining about something, how will we know we're still alive? the bottom line is that mike would probably give anything right about now, for one more chance to clean up dishes, or spend time weeding the garden. i bet he'd give up anything to have a life where the worst part of his day was having to get up earlier than he prefers so that he can head out to begin his day at work.
i want to try to be more diligent about my thankfulness. i want to be more mindful of the things that are going right, so that when something goes wrong my entire world doesn't feel like it's ending. i want to take the time to SLOW down, and stop to smell the flowers, and admire their beauty. i am done complaining about the things that just don't matter- and for those of you who want to continue to live your lives that way, that's fine. but in my opinion, you're wasting your life, and you're barking up the wrong tree if you think im going to stop smelling my flowers to listen to your mindless and senseless complaints. im just done with all if it. as long as ive got air in my lungs, and a heart beating in my chest... as long as ive got the love and support of a HEALTHY and happy husband and family? i am the richest girl around.
and because im not typically quite so serious, ill end on a lighter note just to keep you coming back for more. :)
isn't she just the cutest little thing? clapping and smiling and enjoying the springtime grass. oh to be a kid again.... when life was just so simple.
3.21.2011
a heavy, heavy heart on a perfect spring morning...
ive blogged on here about my friend mike doucette, and i am very sad to have to update with such bad, bad news. mike has continued to fight- for months he has been in the hospital, working, and fighting, and struggling. it has seemed though, that within the last few weeks, mikes progress has been good. his eye sight had returned, most of the terrible sores went away, he began physical therapy, and was working to be up and moving more. each time there has been an update on his caring bridge site, i have gone, and been excited to hear that all of our prayers were being answered. mike was winning the battles, and i just knew he was on his way to winning the war.
here's mike after the war had already begun- you can see that he looks tired. his wife lisa is there with him, probably one of the most beautiful people- inside and out.
yesterday i learned though, that the war was ending, and mike will not survive. at first i got on my knees and prayed for a miracle... miracles happen every day, and WHY wouldn't a miracle be possible now? a miracle for a man who is good, a man who has integrity, a man who makes the world a better place by just being here. a man who is the husband to one of the sweetest people ive met, and the father to two young kids that deserve to have a dad in their lives. today im wondering if maybe accepting what is happening, is not just the best option for me, but the only one. the problem for me is that throughout this entire process, mike NOT winning this war was never an option. he just was a winner- in life i mean, and so in my head i NEVER even considered him not coming out of this on top.
i am not a medical proffesional, and i don't probably know all of the correct terminology for his situaiton, but basically, the graft vs host disease has begun to attack mike's liver and he has become septic. he is aware of this, and that there just is no way to combat such a thing, and he and lisa are making the decisions regarding what to do next together. they have taken him off of the feeding tube, and he is in a great deal of pain. mike has 20lbs of extra water weight he is retaining right now. doctors have given him a week to live, but the bottom line is that he will more than likely go sooner. once the liver is done, the war is over.
how can this be though? how is it that a man in his 40's, a man who is HEALTHY, a man who loves life and loves god, a man who has fought with every ounce of his being for months and months and months... die? why? my heart is heavy today. i want to be strong, i don't want to cry- i dont deserve to cry because it's HIM who is having to say his final "goodbyes" right now. it's his WIFE who has to face a life without the man she adores. it's his KIDS who have to go through the rest of their lives without a daddy. why should i get the right to break down and cry?
when i think about this situation, i am most affected by how lisa must feel. for mike, i believe it's terribly sad that such a young man, is loosing this fight. but soon his war will end, and he will be at peace and out of pain. lisa though, will be left to pick up the pieces. lisa will be left to figure out how to move on with life without her best friend by her side. lisa will have to try to hold it together for her kids, when really she must just want to lay in the bed all day and cry. i have never loved someone the way that i do my husband, and i believe it's because of that love i have for him, that i am so terribly burdened for her. it's a desperate kind of love, the kind that makes you sick if you think of life without it. the kind of love that means you would willingly die in his place if it meant he would be okay... the kind of love that makes life not worth living if he's not at your side to laugh with, and share life with. before becoming a wife, i don't believe i would have been as affected by this situation. but knowing that lisa is having to stare a life without her "someone" in the face, and be strong? i just can't imagine it.
music is something ive always found great comfort in, and there are two song today that describe my heart at this moment in time.
bebo norman "in your hands"
I didn't know I would love you when I looked into your eyes
But now I have a heart I cannot keep
And the greatest of fear is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water so deep
So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
Just so you know, I have never done this sort of thing before
I've never given up my very soul
But I have heard a voice like none I've heard before
And it's a voice that never grows old
Don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
I am in your hands
I know…I am in your hands
But now I have a heart I cannot keep
And the greatest of fear is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water so deep
So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
Just so you know, I have never done this sort of thing before
I've never given up my very soul
But I have heard a voice like none I've heard before
And it's a voice that never grows old
Don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
I am in your hands
I know…I am in your hands
nicole nordman "small enough"
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now
all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now
my hope and my prayers today is that mike and lisa and their families would KNOW that they are not alone, and that god is right there with him. my hope is that mike will no longer have to suffer and be in pain, but would go peacefully and with ease. my hope is that lisa and the rest of the family will somehow feel a comfort and a peace that is beyond all understanding, and that, that peace and comfort will stay with them as they face all of the many tomorrows without mike at their side.
3.11.2011
cutie patootie at it's finest...
happy friday friends!
so i wanted to share something that i just think is over-the-top cute. like... is it ANY wonder at all that i can't wait to have his babies??
honestly folks- he is so cute, and always has been apparently.
that's all for today. be thankful and as always- be blessed.
so i wanted to share something that i just think is over-the-top cute. like... is it ANY wonder at all that i can't wait to have his babies??
honestly folks- he is so cute, and always has been apparently.
that's all for today. be thankful and as always- be blessed.
3.10.2011
10 things: pop culture, volume 1
this is like my own little pop culture gossip corner.
1) kardashians: i personally think kim is the prettiest kardashian. but kourtney is the most logical and less likely to break down in a drama crazed, emotional stooper. khloe is kinda the fun one, the one who isn't afraid to speak her mind. she's loyal... likes to lighten the mood. funny how everyone has their roles in a family, huh? anyway, i love the kardashians, and i think they kinda rock. all three girls better watch out for the younger two though- kendall and kylie jenner are going to be gorgeous!! i kinda love bruce and most times feel bad for him cause he gets kinda dismissed pretty regularly. rob... what does rob even do anyway? doesn't he feel bad to be a part of this awesome, productive, and very-public family, but not have anything of his own going on? i would. ps- i really wish kim woulda ended up with shengo, yeah??
2) american idol: i am LOVING idol this year. i wasn't sure what the new panel of judges would be like, but honestly.... couldn't be happier. who knew that steven tyler had such a heart. i seriously cried when he took such care and compassion when meeting chris medina's fiance julie at the beginning of the season. he is a true softie. notice how he is so tender with how he critiques the competitors... love. jennifer lopez... sigh. man is she ever gorgeous! like, how is that even possible? she looks amazing every single show, and i always find myself a bit captivated be her pretty self. she is super sweet too. randy seems to have turned into the hard ass of the bunch, yeah? but that's cool, there's gotta be one, and im really glad there is no mean-ness in the critisim provided. each judge really seems to come at the contestants from a loving place and i like that. as far as the contestants go... i LOVE casey! he is UHmazing. i also love lauren alaina, and though i was a bit bored with her last night, i think she will do very well in this competition. my other two faves are haley and paul. love their sound, style and swagger. seems like everyone else is really good (minus naima- don't love her! and ashton kinda blows too) this year... so it'll be fun to see what pans out over the next few weeks.
3) charlie sheen: the bottom line is that it is really, really, really sad what is going on. i feel sorry that we as a society are flocking to this man and his sad situation, and giving it so much attention. once again- we just can't get enough of bad things happening to other people, can we? we love to watch people fall on their face, all so we can laugh it up, and talk about what kinda idiots they are behind their backs, right? anyway, i am a bit burdened for charlie. especially his family. i think that addiction is a very serious thing, and it saddens me that he is choosing to (and has been given the opportunity to) completely fall apart in such a pubic way. ladies and gentlemen- this man has children! STOP buying stupid shit that says "winning" like t-shirts and ringtones! STOP watching the interviews. STOP encouraging this. recognize that this guy is sick and needs help and giving him any attention at all, is only encouraging the behavior... just like a child... it's very simple. the whole thing kinda makes me sick though. seriously.
4) movies: so eric and i watched 'for love and other drugs' this weekend, and though it was a bit risk-ay, i kinda thought it was awesome. it was well made, it told a story, it had a good, happy ending, it taught people about what real love truely is, and how it completes you when you find it. yes, anne hathoway gets nakey snakey, and yes, jake gyllenhall is a bit of a man whore, but all in all, i liked it a lot!
5) let's talk a bit about lady gaga: so yeah- i still don't get it. while i do find myself whole heartedly enjoying her new 'born this way' song, i still don't get HER. and the thing is... i think she kinda means for it to be that way. it's like she prides herself on being a "freak" and is doing so to give hope to the younger generations who find that theyre not fitting in with the typical jocks at school... but honestly- it's like she's taken this "freak" stuff to a whole new level. i don't get the hair and make up, i don't get the ridiculous outfits, i don't get the songs... i just don't get any of it. and this is coming from a girl who was NOT "the popular jock", the girl who tends to like and appreciate differences. basically though- i usually am left a bit confused with her. it's like she tries so hard to be different... i dunno.
6) lindsey lohan: so isn't today the day she goes before the judge again? if not today, it's sometime this week... this girl... sigh. sheesh. well, first of all, i loved her when she was younger. parent trap, duh. i loved her in mean girls. i loved her in freaky friday. but what's happened? is it the family drama that's sorta brought her down? was she just another victim of child super stardom? i dunno. but i do hope she goes to jail and learns her lesson. comes out clean, and pulls her life together so we can all go back to watching her in movies.
7) teen mom 2: let's talk about it. so yeah- love leah and corey. they definitely have their hands full, with not one but TWO baby girls, while being teens, and now dealing with one of the twins' special needs. wow, that's a lot for anyone, but especially a teenager. i think leah is so beautiful, and am happy to see her happy with corey. chelsea.... so sweet from day 1. a good mommy for sure... but naive. naive in the way that i was naive when i was young. choosing the have these idealistic ways of thinking, and just "knowing" that everything was going to turn out just as id hoped. i feel bad for her now that she's feeling the backlash of letting adam back into her life.. especially now that he's gone again. kailyn and jo. well first of all, jo thinks he is some kind of a hard ass, and is obviously a complete idiot.did you know he was arrested for being under the influence of the ganja last week? and yet he wants to act like kailyn is such a bad mom. i do think kailyn wants the best and is right to say that she doesn't think moving into their own place would be a wise decision. can't wait to see how that one pans out. and lastly, jennelle... i feel SO bad for jennelle. and not because she is so innocent and never messes up either. but because her mom is like a mother from hell. just the sound of her voice sends chills up my spine. nothing is everrrrr good enough. she's so mean, and so tough, and has a temper that just goes at any given moment. jennelle needs to peace out on keifer though, he's lame. i really hope she pulls it together. smoking pot isn't going to help her situation for getting jace back... but man! her mom is terrrriiiibbbllllleee!
8) so did everyone see gwenyth on glee this week? i totally thought she rocked it! she kinda rocks anyway, but i continue to find myself impressed with her vocal skills. it's not like she's got a lot of depth in her voice... but it's still good and i really enjoyed her on this weeks episode. i did hear she is talking to different labels about the possibility of doing an album. we'll see about that.
9) jon gosselin: so apparently, jon isn't doing so hot after peacing out on kate a year or two ago. im sad about that. i always liked jon, and kinda understood when he finally decided to stand up for himself with kate. she was a hard one to keep happy. and sometimes when you're stressed, you tend to take that out on the person closest to you. for her... that was jon. i didn't necessarily love the way he bowed out (seemed kinda shady with all the partying and other women) but i understood why he felt he needed to go. apparently now, he's kinda down and out. he's working construction, and has a 1 bedroom apartment, not far from the family home in PA. i wonder what it would be like to be him for a day. i wonder what he thinks about, and if he thinks he made the right call leaving. i wonder if he is happy. i really hope he still sees his kiddies though- they were as cute as could be, and deserve a papa in their lives.
10) cee lo green. yeah that's right.i said it. cee lo and i have become good friends. good, good friends. loving his new song out, but i am sad to say that i bought the entire album and it is kinda terrible. one of those that has like one maybe two good songs, but thats it. the rest kinda stinks. so save yourself the $13 and just buy "forget you" on itunes. promise.
1) kardashians: i personally think kim is the prettiest kardashian. but kourtney is the most logical and less likely to break down in a drama crazed, emotional stooper. khloe is kinda the fun one, the one who isn't afraid to speak her mind. she's loyal... likes to lighten the mood. funny how everyone has their roles in a family, huh? anyway, i love the kardashians, and i think they kinda rock. all three girls better watch out for the younger two though- kendall and kylie jenner are going to be gorgeous!! i kinda love bruce and most times feel bad for him cause he gets kinda dismissed pretty regularly. rob... what does rob even do anyway? doesn't he feel bad to be a part of this awesome, productive, and very-public family, but not have anything of his own going on? i would. ps- i really wish kim woulda ended up with shengo, yeah??
2) american idol: i am LOVING idol this year. i wasn't sure what the new panel of judges would be like, but honestly.... couldn't be happier. who knew that steven tyler had such a heart. i seriously cried when he took such care and compassion when meeting chris medina's fiance julie at the beginning of the season. he is a true softie. notice how he is so tender with how he critiques the competitors... love. jennifer lopez... sigh. man is she ever gorgeous! like, how is that even possible? she looks amazing every single show, and i always find myself a bit captivated be her pretty self. she is super sweet too. randy seems to have turned into the hard ass of the bunch, yeah? but that's cool, there's gotta be one, and im really glad there is no mean-ness in the critisim provided. each judge really seems to come at the contestants from a loving place and i like that. as far as the contestants go... i LOVE casey! he is UHmazing. i also love lauren alaina, and though i was a bit bored with her last night, i think she will do very well in this competition. my other two faves are haley and paul. love their sound, style and swagger. seems like everyone else is really good (minus naima- don't love her! and ashton kinda blows too) this year... so it'll be fun to see what pans out over the next few weeks.
3) charlie sheen: the bottom line is that it is really, really, really sad what is going on. i feel sorry that we as a society are flocking to this man and his sad situation, and giving it so much attention. once again- we just can't get enough of bad things happening to other people, can we? we love to watch people fall on their face, all so we can laugh it up, and talk about what kinda idiots they are behind their backs, right? anyway, i am a bit burdened for charlie. especially his family. i think that addiction is a very serious thing, and it saddens me that he is choosing to (and has been given the opportunity to) completely fall apart in such a pubic way. ladies and gentlemen- this man has children! STOP buying stupid shit that says "winning" like t-shirts and ringtones! STOP watching the interviews. STOP encouraging this. recognize that this guy is sick and needs help and giving him any attention at all, is only encouraging the behavior... just like a child... it's very simple. the whole thing kinda makes me sick though. seriously.
4) movies: so eric and i watched 'for love and other drugs' this weekend, and though it was a bit risk-ay, i kinda thought it was awesome. it was well made, it told a story, it had a good, happy ending, it taught people about what real love truely is, and how it completes you when you find it. yes, anne hathoway gets nakey snakey, and yes, jake gyllenhall is a bit of a man whore, but all in all, i liked it a lot!
5) let's talk a bit about lady gaga: so yeah- i still don't get it. while i do find myself whole heartedly enjoying her new 'born this way' song, i still don't get HER. and the thing is... i think she kinda means for it to be that way. it's like she prides herself on being a "freak" and is doing so to give hope to the younger generations who find that theyre not fitting in with the typical jocks at school... but honestly- it's like she's taken this "freak" stuff to a whole new level. i don't get the hair and make up, i don't get the ridiculous outfits, i don't get the songs... i just don't get any of it. and this is coming from a girl who was NOT "the popular jock", the girl who tends to like and appreciate differences. basically though- i usually am left a bit confused with her. it's like she tries so hard to be different... i dunno.
6) lindsey lohan: so isn't today the day she goes before the judge again? if not today, it's sometime this week... this girl... sigh. sheesh. well, first of all, i loved her when she was younger. parent trap, duh. i loved her in mean girls. i loved her in freaky friday. but what's happened? is it the family drama that's sorta brought her down? was she just another victim of child super stardom? i dunno. but i do hope she goes to jail and learns her lesson. comes out clean, and pulls her life together so we can all go back to watching her in movies.
7) teen mom 2: let's talk about it. so yeah- love leah and corey. they definitely have their hands full, with not one but TWO baby girls, while being teens, and now dealing with one of the twins' special needs. wow, that's a lot for anyone, but especially a teenager. i think leah is so beautiful, and am happy to see her happy with corey. chelsea.... so sweet from day 1. a good mommy for sure... but naive. naive in the way that i was naive when i was young. choosing the have these idealistic ways of thinking, and just "knowing" that everything was going to turn out just as id hoped. i feel bad for her now that she's feeling the backlash of letting adam back into her life.. especially now that he's gone again. kailyn and jo. well first of all, jo thinks he is some kind of a hard ass, and is obviously a complete idiot.did you know he was arrested for being under the influence of the ganja last week? and yet he wants to act like kailyn is such a bad mom. i do think kailyn wants the best and is right to say that she doesn't think moving into their own place would be a wise decision. can't wait to see how that one pans out. and lastly, jennelle... i feel SO bad for jennelle. and not because she is so innocent and never messes up either. but because her mom is like a mother from hell. just the sound of her voice sends chills up my spine. nothing is everrrrr good enough. she's so mean, and so tough, and has a temper that just goes at any given moment. jennelle needs to peace out on keifer though, he's lame. i really hope she pulls it together. smoking pot isn't going to help her situation for getting jace back... but man! her mom is terrrriiiibbbllllleee!
8) so did everyone see gwenyth on glee this week? i totally thought she rocked it! she kinda rocks anyway, but i continue to find myself impressed with her vocal skills. it's not like she's got a lot of depth in her voice... but it's still good and i really enjoyed her on this weeks episode. i did hear she is talking to different labels about the possibility of doing an album. we'll see about that.
9) jon gosselin: so apparently, jon isn't doing so hot after peacing out on kate a year or two ago. im sad about that. i always liked jon, and kinda understood when he finally decided to stand up for himself with kate. she was a hard one to keep happy. and sometimes when you're stressed, you tend to take that out on the person closest to you. for her... that was jon. i didn't necessarily love the way he bowed out (seemed kinda shady with all the partying and other women) but i understood why he felt he needed to go. apparently now, he's kinda down and out. he's working construction, and has a 1 bedroom apartment, not far from the family home in PA. i wonder what it would be like to be him for a day. i wonder what he thinks about, and if he thinks he made the right call leaving. i wonder if he is happy. i really hope he still sees his kiddies though- they were as cute as could be, and deserve a papa in their lives.
10) cee lo green. yeah that's right.i said it. cee lo and i have become good friends. good, good friends. loving his new song out, but i am sad to say that i bought the entire album and it is kinda terrible. one of those that has like one maybe two good songs, but thats it. the rest kinda stinks. so save yourself the $13 and just buy "forget you" on itunes. promise.
3.09.2011
disturbed
for someone like me who enjoys to believe that life is good, that people around me are genuinely good and honest, and that my surroundings are safe, it is really hard for me to deal with the reality of such a disturbing situation. what has this world come to?
so the tv is on some show that i have only been half way listening to. it's a show on 'E' about how young, beautiful girls have just disappeared... of course these aren't my favorite types of shows which would explain why im only half way interested. the bottom line is that i prefer to live in a little bubble. a bubble where there is no violence or hate, no dangers lurking right around the corner. it just makes more sense to me- to avoid dealing with the reality, and not have to live in fear. well anyway, so even though ive only been half way listening, ive noticed a bit of a trend with each of these cases. the majority of the girls taken, were eventually found to be taken by convicted sex offenders. convicted sex offenders that had served their time, and were out, living in communities. SO- it kinda got me thinking... ive heard oprah talk about this a lot, but have never actually taken the time or interest in researching the sex offender registry available. now i kinda wish i hadn't... i typed in my address and it wasn't long before... wait for it.... wait.... ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE sex offenders names popped up as living within 5 miles of my home. first of all, you should all know that i do not live in the ghetto. our home is located in a really charming, quaint, little community. a community where neighbors wave each morning, on your way out to work. a community where i feel and have always felt, very safe. but one hundred and five convicted sex offenders within a five mile radious of my home? totally unacceptable.
the bottom line though, is that this type of thing is everywhere! violence, crime, depressed people making terrible choices... i learned this early in life when the columbine shooting took place 20 minutes from my home when i was a junior in high school. it was terribly sad, and devastated our entire community! but what i found interesting though, is that the columbine shooting took place in highlands ranch, colorado- the area where everyone said was best. the area that everyone said was safest. the area that my aunt and uncle badgered my mom and dad to buy in when we moved there, and judged them when they couldnt afford to do so. they said there was just so much violence and crime in the area they could afford to buy in... highlands ranch was much safer. well... we all know how true that was on april 20th, 1999. thats a day i will never forget. so i get that crime happens everywhere. bad things happen everywhere. innocent people find themselves to be victims of terrible hate everywhere.
such a reality check though, to learn that i am surrounded by 105 convicted sex offenders on a daily basis. and especially to know that it's going to be that way everywhere we go. this may be totally politically incorrect and wrong but, i really wish that sex offenders would just be put to death. and not to say that an offender who preys on a grown woman is great (cause he's not!), but child sex offenders especially need to rot in hell. i just dont think they deserve to live. i don't think they deserve to have a home 5 miles from mine. i don't think it's fair that as i walk my dog around my neighborhood, i will now wonder if the offenders are lurking, if theyre passing me on the streets as i walk, if they're holding some innocent girl inside their house torturing them. i hate that when im out with my little cuties, i will now have an abnormal awareness of who and what is going on around me and the babe. not to say that i don't handle each situation with care when im out and about with them already... but i just feel like if some suspect guy even looked in little jenna claire's direction... oh man... i can't even begin to think of it. these are the reasons i have chosen for so long, to ignore realities such as these. never the less, education is power, and ignorance is bliss, right? my suggestion to each of you is to get onto that registry and do some research. though it will inevitably disturb you, i think it's important to empower ourselves with information like this so we know what we're dealing with.
so the tv is on some show that i have only been half way listening to. it's a show on 'E' about how young, beautiful girls have just disappeared... of course these aren't my favorite types of shows which would explain why im only half way interested. the bottom line is that i prefer to live in a little bubble. a bubble where there is no violence or hate, no dangers lurking right around the corner. it just makes more sense to me- to avoid dealing with the reality, and not have to live in fear. well anyway, so even though ive only been half way listening, ive noticed a bit of a trend with each of these cases. the majority of the girls taken, were eventually found to be taken by convicted sex offenders. convicted sex offenders that had served their time, and were out, living in communities. SO- it kinda got me thinking... ive heard oprah talk about this a lot, but have never actually taken the time or interest in researching the sex offender registry available. now i kinda wish i hadn't... i typed in my address and it wasn't long before... wait for it.... wait.... ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE sex offenders names popped up as living within 5 miles of my home. first of all, you should all know that i do not live in the ghetto. our home is located in a really charming, quaint, little community. a community where neighbors wave each morning, on your way out to work. a community where i feel and have always felt, very safe. but one hundred and five convicted sex offenders within a five mile radious of my home? totally unacceptable.
the bottom line though, is that this type of thing is everywhere! violence, crime, depressed people making terrible choices... i learned this early in life when the columbine shooting took place 20 minutes from my home when i was a junior in high school. it was terribly sad, and devastated our entire community! but what i found interesting though, is that the columbine shooting took place in highlands ranch, colorado- the area where everyone said was best. the area that everyone said was safest. the area that my aunt and uncle badgered my mom and dad to buy in when we moved there, and judged them when they couldnt afford to do so. they said there was just so much violence and crime in the area they could afford to buy in... highlands ranch was much safer. well... we all know how true that was on april 20th, 1999. thats a day i will never forget. so i get that crime happens everywhere. bad things happen everywhere. innocent people find themselves to be victims of terrible hate everywhere.
such a reality check though, to learn that i am surrounded by 105 convicted sex offenders on a daily basis. and especially to know that it's going to be that way everywhere we go. this may be totally politically incorrect and wrong but, i really wish that sex offenders would just be put to death. and not to say that an offender who preys on a grown woman is great (cause he's not!), but child sex offenders especially need to rot in hell. i just dont think they deserve to live. i don't think they deserve to have a home 5 miles from mine. i don't think it's fair that as i walk my dog around my neighborhood, i will now wonder if the offenders are lurking, if theyre passing me on the streets as i walk, if they're holding some innocent girl inside their house torturing them. i hate that when im out with my little cuties, i will now have an abnormal awareness of who and what is going on around me and the babe. not to say that i don't handle each situation with care when im out and about with them already... but i just feel like if some suspect guy even looked in little jenna claire's direction... oh man... i can't even begin to think of it. these are the reasons i have chosen for so long, to ignore realities such as these. never the less, education is power, and ignorance is bliss, right? my suggestion to each of you is to get onto that registry and do some research. though it will inevitably disturb you, i think it's important to empower ourselves with information like this so we know what we're dealing with.
3.03.2011
a blog is a blog is a blog
1) eric and i have decided we are going to take a trip to hawaii before the year is over. can you believe ive never been? eric's dad was in the military and so he spent a year or two there while he was 4 - 5. he went to kindergarten there and seems to have awesome memories. he also was able to go back while he was in college. i can't believe im almost 30 (29 on march 20th, YIKES!) and still haven't been. so we're going. it's official like a referee and a whistle. can't wait. here are the things im MOST looking forward to:
a) my first REAL vacation with eric. yes people, it's true. he and i have never really vacationed. every time we have time off, we go visit my parents in new york. which of course is awesome, but means we never have any time off to get away and do vacation type things... like lay on a beach.
b) im not a huge fan of swimming IN the ocean, but the ocean totally fascinates me. i can't wait to get down on the that beach, and watch the waves and build a sand castle.
c) wearing flowers in my hair... like everyday. doesn't that just sound romantic and fun?
d) i want to para-sail! oh my gosh, that sounds like the best time ever!!!
e) we've already talked about how hawaii has some really awesome golf courses, so eric's gonna take a morning to golf while i.... wait for it.... here it comes..... have a day at the spa! yes- another thing ive never ever been able to do. how awesome would it be to just spend hours getting pampered?
f) i would really love to swim with the dolphins, but that would require me to actually get IN the water... i bet if i actually were given the opportunity though, id do it! dolphins just seem so friendly.
g) getting a tan.
h) wearing cute summer dresses and flip flops.
i) not having to even think for a single second about my real life... which is busy, and sometimes stressful. i can't imagine just being away, and not having to worry or stress out about every day things like unloading/loading the dishwasher, giving bristol her meds, packing my lunch, working out, etc. etc. etc.
well and there's plenty more that im looking forward to, but ill hafta continue that later. let's move on...
2) this week has been a bit of a nightmare for me. mostly because of my own personal struggles. i got a membership to a gym and have actually been going each day. for those of you who know me at all.... you KNOW that this is like my least favorite thing to do.... EVER! i wish it weren't that way. i wish i enjoyed it. because my suspicion is that had i actually grown up enjoying working out, i wouldn't have ever let myself get to this point. this point where i just feel hideous and like the whole goal is pointless because it's SO far away and SO much work. but... that's not positive thinking, now is it? so ive been going- every day. and forcing myself to do cardio. and im not going to lie- it's the pits. on top of the gym, ive been eating great. without meaning to, ive actually managed to stay in between 1000 - 1200 calories a day. what sucks about this though, is that i feel terrible. my stomach's been giving me a run for my money and i am SO terribly tired.
so here's a thought: ya know how people talk about how they just "love" to exercise and how they just "crave" working out? they always say something like "well, once you get past the initial horror of it all, you begin to love it and need it to survive." initial horror? really? because i dont know about you, but if something is really that horrific, why bother continuing? that's what ive always said about beer anyway... everyone says the same thing "oh it's an acquired taste... it'll grow on you." uh... NO. if it tastes bad the first time, why try for a second? and if you DO try for a second, and it STILL tastes bad, why try for a third? i just don't see the point. the same applies with this whole exercising nonsense- who wants to have to deal with what seems to be never-ending horror for weeks on end, all so that one day, you MIGHT find yourself loving it? unfortunately though, i think exercising is like a necessary evil. unlike beer (where if i choose not to partake it hurts no one and doesn't matter) i realize that my lack of exercising and avoidance of the whole thing is what got me here. ugh.
so ive come to the conclusion that there's just no great solution... except to keep going. keep pushing through. keep trying to remember my greater goal: HAWAII. and more than hawaii, feeling comfortable again, being healthy. so... without further ado... im now down 18.6lbs and that's encouraging. i have about 26 more pounds to loose before ive reached my first goal. 26 pounds doesn't probably seem like a lot to you, but to me it feels very overwhelming. as far as not feeling well like i mentioned above though- my stomach's just been a mess, but mostly, i am just SO tired! i don't know what to do with myself. part of this may be because i work every day from 8:30 - 6:30, and most times don't get to arrive home until 7:00. then i hafta to rush and change into work out clothes, and drive to the gym. by the time that happens, it's probably 7:30, and i work out for an hour. at 8:30 im leaving the gym, and wondering what in the world i should do about dinner. by the time i get home, and get dinner fixed, it's 9:30 at night. of course at that point im in dire need of a shower and so when that's all said and done, it's 10 o'clock at night. ive been going since early in the morning, haven't had any time to talk to my husband really, but still just wanna fall in the bed and sleep. usually though, because im so wound up, even if i try to fall in the bed and sleep at 10, my mind is still going and it's become a challenge to get my body to settle enough to sleep. so yeah- im lucky if i get 6 - 7 hours each night, and for those of you who know me, and know me well.... you know what that means. i wish there was a way to handle all of my business before 8 o'clock. sometimes i think about what life would be like if i were one of those lucky souls who got off of work at 5 o'clock. think of the possibilities! i could successfully go to work, the gym, have dinner, shower, maybe even watch a little tv, AND i could spend an hour or an hour and a half relaxing with eric, and winding down from my day before sleeping in the bed by 10. yeah... if only. so.... i will continue on. enough about that.
3) my eric is turning 30 on march 31st and i want to do something fab for him. i need your ideas! what could i do??? i think it'd be fun to throw him a fun surprise party or something, but that's just not really an option because it would be lame! we don't really have many friends- i can think of 2, maybe 3 (if we're lucky) friends who might show up. josh, kellee, and jerry (if his crazy wife lets him outta the house) or maybe sup- but only if we had it at a place with "activities." so yeah- surprise party might be hard to pull off, what other ideas do you fabulous folks have?
4) i scheduled the cleaning fairy (ms. donna) to come and work her magic on my house a few days before the wedding shower. this is good news, and though it may seem like a total cop out, i don't care. i have enough on my plate, and with cooking and setting everything up the day of, i can assure you i am NOT going to want to be on my hands and knees scrubbing! PLUS, then my house will be radiantly beautiful the day after the shower- march 20th! and there's nothing that makes me happier than a cleaner house. (ps- if you're in need of some good help, you should totally let me know! ms. donna is AWESOME!)
5) i should really get off my arse now and try to make some sense of my hair.... before i have to go in public at least. i need a haircut... bad.
a) my first REAL vacation with eric. yes people, it's true. he and i have never really vacationed. every time we have time off, we go visit my parents in new york. which of course is awesome, but means we never have any time off to get away and do vacation type things... like lay on a beach.
b) im not a huge fan of swimming IN the ocean, but the ocean totally fascinates me. i can't wait to get down on the that beach, and watch the waves and build a sand castle.
c) wearing flowers in my hair... like everyday. doesn't that just sound romantic and fun?
d) i want to para-sail! oh my gosh, that sounds like the best time ever!!!
e) we've already talked about how hawaii has some really awesome golf courses, so eric's gonna take a morning to golf while i.... wait for it.... here it comes..... have a day at the spa! yes- another thing ive never ever been able to do. how awesome would it be to just spend hours getting pampered?
f) i would really love to swim with the dolphins, but that would require me to actually get IN the water... i bet if i actually were given the opportunity though, id do it! dolphins just seem so friendly.
g) getting a tan.
h) wearing cute summer dresses and flip flops.
i) not having to even think for a single second about my real life... which is busy, and sometimes stressful. i can't imagine just being away, and not having to worry or stress out about every day things like unloading/loading the dishwasher, giving bristol her meds, packing my lunch, working out, etc. etc. etc.
well and there's plenty more that im looking forward to, but ill hafta continue that later. let's move on...
2) this week has been a bit of a nightmare for me. mostly because of my own personal struggles. i got a membership to a gym and have actually been going each day. for those of you who know me at all.... you KNOW that this is like my least favorite thing to do.... EVER! i wish it weren't that way. i wish i enjoyed it. because my suspicion is that had i actually grown up enjoying working out, i wouldn't have ever let myself get to this point. this point where i just feel hideous and like the whole goal is pointless because it's SO far away and SO much work. but... that's not positive thinking, now is it? so ive been going- every day. and forcing myself to do cardio. and im not going to lie- it's the pits. on top of the gym, ive been eating great. without meaning to, ive actually managed to stay in between 1000 - 1200 calories a day. what sucks about this though, is that i feel terrible. my stomach's been giving me a run for my money and i am SO terribly tired.
so here's a thought: ya know how people talk about how they just "love" to exercise and how they just "crave" working out? they always say something like "well, once you get past the initial horror of it all, you begin to love it and need it to survive." initial horror? really? because i dont know about you, but if something is really that horrific, why bother continuing? that's what ive always said about beer anyway... everyone says the same thing "oh it's an acquired taste... it'll grow on you." uh... NO. if it tastes bad the first time, why try for a second? and if you DO try for a second, and it STILL tastes bad, why try for a third? i just don't see the point. the same applies with this whole exercising nonsense- who wants to have to deal with what seems to be never-ending horror for weeks on end, all so that one day, you MIGHT find yourself loving it? unfortunately though, i think exercising is like a necessary evil. unlike beer (where if i choose not to partake it hurts no one and doesn't matter) i realize that my lack of exercising and avoidance of the whole thing is what got me here. ugh.
so ive come to the conclusion that there's just no great solution... except to keep going. keep pushing through. keep trying to remember my greater goal: HAWAII. and more than hawaii, feeling comfortable again, being healthy. so... without further ado... im now down 18.6lbs and that's encouraging. i have about 26 more pounds to loose before ive reached my first goal. 26 pounds doesn't probably seem like a lot to you, but to me it feels very overwhelming. as far as not feeling well like i mentioned above though- my stomach's just been a mess, but mostly, i am just SO tired! i don't know what to do with myself. part of this may be because i work every day from 8:30 - 6:30, and most times don't get to arrive home until 7:00. then i hafta to rush and change into work out clothes, and drive to the gym. by the time that happens, it's probably 7:30, and i work out for an hour. at 8:30 im leaving the gym, and wondering what in the world i should do about dinner. by the time i get home, and get dinner fixed, it's 9:30 at night. of course at that point im in dire need of a shower and so when that's all said and done, it's 10 o'clock at night. ive been going since early in the morning, haven't had any time to talk to my husband really, but still just wanna fall in the bed and sleep. usually though, because im so wound up, even if i try to fall in the bed and sleep at 10, my mind is still going and it's become a challenge to get my body to settle enough to sleep. so yeah- im lucky if i get 6 - 7 hours each night, and for those of you who know me, and know me well.... you know what that means. i wish there was a way to handle all of my business before 8 o'clock. sometimes i think about what life would be like if i were one of those lucky souls who got off of work at 5 o'clock. think of the possibilities! i could successfully go to work, the gym, have dinner, shower, maybe even watch a little tv, AND i could spend an hour or an hour and a half relaxing with eric, and winding down from my day before sleeping in the bed by 10. yeah... if only. so.... i will continue on. enough about that.
3) my eric is turning 30 on march 31st and i want to do something fab for him. i need your ideas! what could i do??? i think it'd be fun to throw him a fun surprise party or something, but that's just not really an option because it would be lame! we don't really have many friends- i can think of 2, maybe 3 (if we're lucky) friends who might show up. josh, kellee, and jerry (if his crazy wife lets him outta the house) or maybe sup- but only if we had it at a place with "activities." so yeah- surprise party might be hard to pull off, what other ideas do you fabulous folks have?
4) i scheduled the cleaning fairy (ms. donna) to come and work her magic on my house a few days before the wedding shower. this is good news, and though it may seem like a total cop out, i don't care. i have enough on my plate, and with cooking and setting everything up the day of, i can assure you i am NOT going to want to be on my hands and knees scrubbing! PLUS, then my house will be radiantly beautiful the day after the shower- march 20th! and there's nothing that makes me happier than a cleaner house. (ps- if you're in need of some good help, you should totally let me know! ms. donna is AWESOME!)
5) i should really get off my arse now and try to make some sense of my hair.... before i have to go in public at least. i need a haircut... bad.
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