as im sure the majority of you already knew, mike finally ended his fight early this morning and is gone. i got the news first thing this morning, and have since spent the rest of my day wrestling with things. one thing i know for sure, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that it is so, so comforting to know that he is finally at peace and out of pain. but this day for me has been plagued with questions i can't seem to find the answers to. my mind is racing with thoughts of what he must have felt in his last moments on earth... was he scared? was he worried to leave his family? or maybe he was just too tired? what about his family? what are they doing now? i can't imagine what it must have been like once he did finally die... did they look around at each other and not know what to do? or where to go? i wonder if they just felt lost. ive asked myself what heaven is really like... is it really as they say? where the streets are lined with gold, and where the sun shines daily? what about the whole idea of being able to look down on your loved ones and watch over them? is that really true? one of the biggest things ive found myself really struggling with is the "why." not really "why did mike have to die?" although i would love to know what the rhyme or reason behind that was... but more why (if this was the ultimate outcome for him anyway), did mike have to spend so much time suffering? fighting and fighting and fighting for a goal that was unattainable from the start. kinda makes me mad a little. for four months now, he has lived in that hospital fighting. he has celebrated even the smallest of victories and has worked toward newness and toward getting his life back. why was that necessary if he was not going to win the fight? or maybe he DID win the fight, and i just haven't realized it yet. but why put his family through such pain? giving them reasons to hope, all to snag that rug right out from under them when they least expect it. and even more- he couldn't have just been sick, but he had to be in constant pain... there seems to be something very wrong about that to me. a good, good man, suffering and in pain for months... dies. everyone likes a happy ending, especially me. but for me, this is more than the story not having a happy ending... now that the conclusion has come, ive found myself annoyed at the cruelty of the moments that have lead us to this moment.
while my heart and my mind have been busy wrestling with questions i can not ever, and probably will not ever find the answers to, my body is just tired. i keep thinking of how jordan, katie and lisa must feel. i bet they're tired too. today, ive thought lots about katie. maybe because i see a lot of myself in her- just being raised in a very loving, church-going family, where my dad was my hero and no one adored me more than him. i think back to when i was her age... and though i absolutely adored my father, i didn't actually know him. how sad, that she might feel somewhere down the road, that though she loved and adored him, she was never given the chance to actually know him. it wasn't until id passed all through my teenage years and became an adult, that i really started to know my dad. she will never get that opportunity. who will interview her boyfriends? who will walk her down the aisle on her wedding day? see? more questions that have no answers...
ultimately, though it's been a very rough and thought provoking day for me... my main concern is for his family right now. i can't imagine how they must feel, and i wish i was there to do something... anything at all to help ease their pain. my prayer is that they are also at peace with the situation, just as he is. my prayer is that they will feel the kind of comfort that makes no sense at all... from the inside, out. my prayer is that they will be able to rest easy, and that they wont feel afraid to move forward. my prayer is that at some point in time, there will be a silver lining revealed so that they can be at peace in knowing it was just his time to go. my prayer is that they know it's okay to break down and cry, that they don't have to be strong all the time. my prayer is that they KNOW that they are not alone, because we are all right here with them- broken hearted, and feeling a little lost.
just because the beatles always have an answer... here is my song for the day:
"let it be"
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
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