well it's been quite a while since ive written- sorry! there just has been so much going on it's been really difficult to get any time to sit and write. ive been busy, busy, busy doing all kinds of holiday stuff, and despite our recent news i still am choosing to believe this really IS the very best time of the year. it kind of stinks to be having a miscarriage a week before christmas, but it is what it is, right? let me go back for those of you who are confused...
a week ago we had an ultra sound done just to determine whether or not the baby was growing in my uterus. our last pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage because the baby was growing in my tube. this time we were pleased to hear that our baby had in fact attached happily and snuggly to my uterun wall. YAY. shortly after though, we learned that there was no visible yolk or embryo. from here we experienced an adventure like no other- and NOT in a good way. we went from being told one day that the pregnancy was not viable, to learning that everything was fine, and it was just entirely too early to be seeing a yolk and an embryo. blood work was done, and we rejoiced when we learned my hcg level was at 1669. we were told that as long as it was above 200 we were GOOD. well.... thursday i woke up feel really crampy. i started bleeding around 2 o'clock and knew what was taking place soon after. i think i just knew... on one hand i am actually pleased just to have a definitive answer! NOT knowing is a real nightmare! being told 'yay' and 'nay' every other day is like torture... we've walked on egg shells, not allowing ourselves to really FEEL anything, for fear that the moment we get used to feeling it, the circumstances will change and we'll be lost all over again. so now we know.... because im in the process of miscarrying i can tell you first hand- this is no song or dance. this SUCKS! im hurting all over, and feel pretty terrible. i am trying, trying, trying to have a good attitude and to be happy, but it's difficult when i don't even want to move. the blood just keeps on coming and i kinda wanna just go to sleep and wake up when this whole thing is OVER. it's bad enough that im having to deal with the loss of our little person, and the dream that went along with it... but to have to deal with the physical pain too? seems to be a bit much for just one person all in one day. never the less, it is the reality of our situation and i am determined to find something to be thankful for! i am thankful that eric and i were able to get pregnant and in the right place this time! whoo hoo. go us babe! :) i am thankful to be married to a man that doesn't blame me, or make me feel guilty or responsible in any way for the outcome of this situation. i am thankful to be experiencing this while im surrounded by a group of loving people who have encouraged me, supported me, and seen me through it all. there really are no right words to say... but being there, loving me, feeling comfortable in the silence of each moment by my side? those are the things i am most thankful for and will remember later on in life. not the heartbreak, or the trauma of just being left in the dark- but the love ive felt.
i know this situation has affected more than just me, and my prayer is that god will touch the hearts of all the hurting people who had the same dream i did. that he will scoop them up as he has me, and wrap them in the love that provides peace beyond all understanding. this is my hope, and this is my prayer.
