a heavy, heavy heart on a perfect spring morning...

ive blogged on here about my friend mike doucette, and i am very sad to have to update with such bad, bad news. mike has continued to fight- for months he has been in the hospital, working, and fighting, and struggling. it has seemed though, that within the last few weeks, mikes progress has been good. his eye sight had returned, most of the terrible sores went away, he began physical therapy, and was working to be up and moving more. each time there has been an update on his caring bridge site, i have gone, and been excited to hear that all of our prayers were being answered. mike was winning the battles, and i just knew he was on his way to winning the war.

here's mike after the war had already begun- you can see that he looks tired. his wife lisa is there with him, probably one of the most beautiful people- inside and out.

yesterday i learned though, that the war was ending, and mike will not survive. at first i got on my knees and prayed for a miracle... miracles happen every day, and WHY wouldn't a miracle be possible now? a miracle for a man who is good, a man who has integrity, a man who makes the world a better place by just being here. a man who is the husband to one of the sweetest people ive met, and the father to two young kids that deserve to have a dad in their lives. today im wondering if maybe accepting what is happening, is not just the best option for me, but the only one. the problem for me is that throughout this entire process, mike NOT winning this war was never an option. he just was a winner- in life i mean, and so in my head i NEVER even considered him not coming out of this on top. 

i am not a medical proffesional, and i don't probably know all of the correct terminology for his situaiton, but basically, the graft vs host disease has begun to attack mike's liver and he has become septic. he is aware of this, and that there just is no way to combat such a thing, and he and lisa are making the decisions regarding what to do next together. they have taken him off of the feeding tube, and he is in a great deal of pain. mike has 20lbs of extra water weight he is retaining right now. doctors have given him a week to live, but the bottom line is that he will more than likely go sooner. once the liver is done, the war is over. 

how can this be though? how is it that a man in his 40's, a man who is HEALTHY, a man who loves life and loves god, a man who has fought with every ounce of his being for months and months and months... die?  why? my heart is heavy today. i want to be strong, i don't want to cry- i dont deserve to cry because it's HIM who is having to say his final "goodbyes" right now. it's his WIFE who has to face a life without the man she adores. it's his KIDS who have to go through the rest of their lives without a daddy. why should i get the right to break down and cry? 

when i think about this situation, i am most affected by how lisa must feel. for mike, i believe it's terribly sad that such a young man, is loosing this fight. but soon his war will end, and he will be at peace and out of pain. lisa though, will be left to pick up the pieces. lisa will be left to figure out how to move on with life without her best friend by her side. lisa will have to try to hold it together for her kids, when really she must just want to lay in the bed all day and cry. i have never loved someone the way that i do my husband, and i believe it's because of that love i have for him, that i am so terribly burdened for her. it's a desperate kind of love, the kind that makes you sick if you think of life without it. the kind of love that means you would willingly die in his place if it meant he would be okay... the kind of love that makes life not worth living if he's not at your side to laugh with, and share life with. before becoming a wife, i don't believe i would have been as affected by this situation. but knowing that lisa is having to stare a life without her "someone" in the face, and be strong? i just can't imagine it.

music is something ive always found great comfort in, and there are two song today that describe my heart at this moment in time.

bebo norman "in your hands"

I didn't know I would love you when I looked into your eyes
But now I have a heart I cannot keep
And the greatest of fear is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water so deep

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands

Just so you know, I have never done this sort of thing before
I've never given up my very soul
But I have heard a voice like none I've heard before
And it's a voice that never grows old

Don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
I am in your hands
I know…I am in your hands

nicole nordman "small enough"

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

my hope and my prayers today is that mike and lisa and their families would KNOW that they are not alone, and that god is right there with him. my hope is that mike will no longer have to suffer and be in pain, but would go peacefully and with ease. my hope is that lisa and the rest of the family will somehow feel a comfort and a peace that is beyond all understanding, and that, that peace and comfort will stay with them as they face all of the many tomorrows without mike at their side.