changed..

the situation with mike... the condition he is in... the fight i know he has fought... and the thought of his family feeling orphaned without him... has changed me. i would have never expected it to impact me as much as it has. maybe it's because he and lisa made such an impact on me when i was growing up. maybe it's because i have this tendency to want to live in, and believe in a world where bad things just do not happen to good people. whatever the reason may be, i am sensing this change that has taken place. at some point in time (yesterday i think), i began to realize that none of this really matters... the details of life i mean. i guess they matter (and they certainly feel HUGE at the time of course) but when all is said and done, the tiny details don't matter. to think that i was all excited and prepared to post pictures from my birthday weekend... prepared to blog about the wedding shower i hosted this weekend that turned out to be a smashing success. i am embarrassed to admit that i have lived my life so wrapped up in the details, that i forget to remember the things that really matter. i found myself humiliated before god last night as i took the time to thank him for my health. for my husbands health. for my precious mom and dad's health. for the health of my brothers and sister-in-law... the people i love that are all around me on a daily basis. the people who impact me, and who i care deeply for. i couldn't remember the last time i got down on my knees and said "thank you!" and yet when something goes wrong, and when i learned mike's not going to make it... i got on my knees to beg for answers. felt the right to ask "WHY!?!" to get mad even. to feel like our prayers had been ignored and that we had been forgotten.

going back to the details thing- i stayed near my phone ALL day yesterday, waiting to get some sort of email notification that there was an update available. checking facebook as many times as i could and i quick as my hands would let me... all to see if someone knew something... anything. i found myself so irritated at the masses and masses of people on there, posting status updates about god knows what. all things that don't matter in the huge scheme of things, things that felt offensive to ME because i felt so broken hearted. isn't it funny how life just goes on? for me, my world kinda stopped yesterday. i struggled. i cried more tears than i could count... i was absolutely consumed with thoughts of this dear, sweet family suffering. and yet, life went on around me, and i found all of the usual status updates about being so irritated to have a cold, or people feeling annoyed to be working late... bitching about friendships that weren't going just right, or the weather being too cold or wet. now, i am guilty of all of these things, but it wasn't until yesterday that i really, truly realized just how wrong we've really gotten it. who cares!? i kept thinking as i folded laundry LATE last night, when i was totally exhausted and felt like my head might actually explode from all the fuzziness brought on from hours of crying, how much i bet mike would love to have the opportunity to fold and put away his wife's clothes for her... just one more time. and i bet he'd take those gray, gloomy days we all complain about any day- a chance to smell the sweet smell of rain, and listen to it fall. is it not true and really quite devastating just how negative we all are?  it's like, if we're not complaining about something, how will we know we're still alive? the bottom line is that mike would probably give anything right about now, for one more chance to clean up dishes, or spend time weeding the garden. i bet he'd give up anything to have a life where the worst part of his day was having to get up earlier than he prefers so that he can head out to begin his day at work.

i want to try to be more diligent about my thankfulness. i want to be more mindful of the things that are going right, so that when something goes wrong my entire world doesn't feel like it's ending. i want to take the time to SLOW down, and stop to smell the flowers, and admire their beauty. i am done complaining about the things that just don't matter- and for those of you who want to continue to live your lives that way, that's fine. but in my opinion, you're wasting your life, and you're barking up the wrong tree if you think im going to stop smelling my flowers to listen to your mindless and senseless complaints. im just done with all if it. as long as ive got air in my lungs, and a heart beating in my chest... as long as ive got the love and support of a HEALTHY and happy husband and family? i am the richest girl around.

and because im not typically quite so serious, ill end on a lighter note just to keep you coming back for more. :)

isn't she just the cutest little thing? clapping and smiling and enjoying the springtime grass. oh to be a kid again.... when life was just so simple.