wow.

i seriously cannot believe it's been almost TWO months since ive posted on here. to say that life has been a bit crazy, dramatically overwhelming, and sometimes unrecognizable is a complete understatement. lots has gone on in the last 6 weeks- a lot of which has been stressful and heart breaking, and challenging, but some good things too. and my prayer is that what has seemed to be heart breaking now, will one day end up being the moments i look back on later in life and thank god for. sometimes good can come from bad, and that is my hope with this situation. since it's been so long, i think a list is in order to provide a bit of a re-cap on life in my world lately... here goes...

1) well, it's HOT here. like as hot as the dickens hot, i kinda hate it.

2) the kids are out of school now, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we sent little jenna claire off to kindergarten.

3) sophie turned ONE last week and oh my gosh- i seriously can't believe that! her scrapbook i was making for her birthday gift did NOT get finished- mostly because i really thought id have time to put all of the final pages together the weekend before and wanted it to be as close to being complete through her one year birthday as possible... but then we ended up moving that weekend, and so that didn't happen. it won't take long to finish- but id really wished to hand it over completely done.

4) speaking of moving- eric and i decided to move out of our town home into a smaller, one bedroom apartment. basically we decided it would be really helpful to eliminate as much stress as possible in our marriage, and financial stress has been a big factor lately. it's unneccesary, and though i did enjoy my little lenox village life, it wasn't worth any sort of drama or whatever, ya know? it just doesn't matter.

5) so- we spent memorial day weekend moving which was complete craziness. well- it was craziness how the whole entire thing just fell into place really... but really crazy that we started out that weekend with our lenox village town home completely perfect. by sunday night, the place was empty, and cleaned out- sparkling even. our new place is pretty fab. it's a sweet little one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. meets our needs, but is also quite charming. the complex isn't far from where we were before, which means im still close to work and we can still frequent all of our usual spots. it's a beautiful community, with 2 pools and a hot tub, and our apartment looks out onto a little fountain/pond area. the pool is also visible and is so pretty all lite up at night. the inside of the apartment is really homey. i like the kitchen and bathroom, and it's nice to have carpet again! (wood floors were a bitch to keep clean!) the carpeting is brand new too, so it's got that lush, comfy feeling throughout. whoever built these apartments kinda thought of everything. it seems easy to live there- like there's a spot for everything. it really works out.

6) i think ive been fighting a little flu this weekend, and that has kinda stunk! my body has been achey all over, im hot, then im cold, then im hot... ive been feverish, and my throat and neck have been KILLING me! i don't know what could be wrong, but im hoping it's just a little bug that has to run it's course and that's it.

7) sometimes when you've never been in a situation, it's so easy to look at other people going through it and proclaim exactly what you'd do. the truth is though, you really have NO earthly idea exactly what you'd think or feel or do, until you're there.... in the thick of it... buried in the trenches of war... it's up to YOU to find your way out, and the only "right" way to do that can only be determined at the time of battle.

8) authenticity is something ive learned quite a lot about over these last several weeks. being authentic is NOT easy. it seems that being authentic is always really great to talk about, but when it's hardest to be authentic is when it matters the most. being who you are, and staying true to the characteristics that define YOU, when everything and everyone else around you has changed? tough. but this is who i am. i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough. i am selfless. i am understanding. i am humble. choosing to be a truly authentic human being and stick to your guns about who you are, does not mean that you are lowering your expectations or excusing inappropriate behavior either. it simply means that you rise above, you choose to be all of those things, and make decisions that are best for YOU and not what other people are most comfortable with. it's very tricky, but when your entire world begins to crumble all around you- the one thing you ARE in control of? is YOU. abandoning your moral principles and the things you so proudly proclaimed to be yesterday (when life was dandy) just because things are hard today? that would be cowardly. so... on my hardest of hard days, i repeat to myself "i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough." i remind myself that i have deliberately chosen to be this person, i am in control of one thing and one thing only- me. i am proud to say that i have maintained an authenticity while trudging through the gory, gruesome, battle fields, and i believe i will come out stronger in the end because of that.

9) sometimes i wish people would understand, but i have to understand that they don't understand, and that that is okay. it gets lonely, but it's okay.

10) i am not a quitter, and this is the ONE thing i have ever committed myself to whole heartedly. i will succeed or die trying.

11) we've spent some time down at the pools and it's been fun! reminds me of the early days when things were simple. :) it seems like we literally spent every single weekend at our little twin oaks apartments pool. good times.

12) i wonder sometimes what life is going to be like in a year. will everything be sorted out and fixed? will my family relationships go back to normal? will this just all be a part of my "past" that we don't mention? or will it ever be "normal" again? it's funny how being the baby of the family really defines your role- even when you're 29 years old and live hundreds of miles away from the nearest relative. people still want to make your decisions, take care of you, protect you... something i value more than words can say. but something that is also quite hard- especially when you've chosen a path that is not ideal in their eyes. i have to believe that the details will work themselves out later on down the road though. i am choosing to stay focused on what's in front of me, and try my best to just be me.

13) i am pretty hungry at the moment...

14) quality time is my love language. that means that i feel most loved when you just are with me. i feel un-sure of your love for me when you're not. even if from a far- time spent on the phone chatting, can make me feel just as loved as if you were sitting right here beside me hanging out. quality time can fix lots of things.

15) i got a new kick ass clock this weekend that totally rocks my face off. like- im not even kidding. rocks. my. face. off. i wish i could describe it to you- but it's kinda hard to explain. i can tell you this- it's hanging on the wall in my new, fun kitchen, and i LOVE it. pictures to come.