tuesday

it used to be that i just couldn't wait for work to end so that i could go and live my happy, little life and have fun. i can remember counting down the hours and days till the weekend would come. friday would roll around and id be praising jesus, and enthusiastically greeting the day. i just knew the weekend would be filled with fun times. my time off was my time to live life. and it wasn't that i hated my job either! i loved my job and my babies! i just loved living my happy, little life on the weekends too... a lot!

now it's completely opposite! lol. i went into work today, and it was such a pleasure to be around actual human beings. after spending almost four entire days at home, ALL alone, with NOTHING to do, and having very limited human interaction (that is usually how my weekends go...), i felt so relieved to walk into work and to see a room full of breathing, living people. ive made one friend at work and he is fabulous. does it surprise you at all that within the first week of working at allosource, i immediately found myself hooked up with the young, good looking gay guy, chatting and having fun? it doesn't surprise me one bit... seems to happen in each city i live. anyway- mike is his name, and he trained me. i appreciate him not just for taking the time to do a stellar job training me- i feel absolutely confident in performing my job because HE took the time to make it that way. i remember feeling so overwhelmed when i started... anyway- i also appreciate him because he has offered me a friendship to have at work. and that means something. i was touched today because he said things like "im glad we're paired together today, because i really just don't wanna be around anyone else but you." and "i really think it's cool that it seems we met at the perfect time." and "i think ryan (that's our supervisor) let me work with you today because he knew i was having a rough time, and that id be better off with you all day than any of the others." it meant something to me that he said those things.

i need everyone to send really positive and good vibes, and lotsa prayers to mike and his family right now. his little sister (she is 24) has always had health problems, but on sunday night she was in a lot of pain, took a pain pill and went to bed. at some point in the night, she threw up, but was apparently so "out of it" from the pain pill, that she never woke up and she choked on her own vomit. she completely stopped breathing, and was found at 9am- grey and with purple lips. her mom immediately called 911, and they were able to resesitate her, but no one has any idea what is going to happen next. she is in the ICU, in a coma. they have said that because theyre not sure how long she went without oxygen it's impossible to know what kind of damage was done to her brain/other organs. they said that it could be minimal, or it could be severe, but they won't know until she is awake. they also said she could go at any moment, and that these next 24 - 48 hours are absolutely critical. what's worse is that mike was home in utah this past weekend, and the last conversation he had with her, was him trying desperately to convince her to keep fighting to live. she's been so, so sick, for so, so long, and was telling him she just is "done" fighting. he begged her to fight. he yelled at her for saying those things. he pleaded with her, saying she has so much life left to live. and then that very night, she choked on her vomit and now this... right now we need natalie to fight. if she has any hope of surviving, she is going to have to will herself back to life. i can't possibly stand to see my friend loose his sister, and have the rest of his life to think about his last conversation with her being with him begging her to keep fighting, while she said "no." i guess more than anything though, we need to pray for peace. peace for natalie, and peace for the family as they are in this terrible waiting period and are beside themselves with worry. peace that knowing whatever is meant to be, will be. peace that it will all work out as it should.

once again- this puts things into perspective for me. i am sad to say that there have been these situations over the past year that are absolutely terrible, and that teach me about keeping my perspective and trying to be thankful for what IS going right. it started last april when mike doucette lost his fight and died. i was shocked and saddened beyond words. i was reminded what really matters. then jamie caulk lost his life this past fall- this young, great looking guy... just died. now there's this. sometimes i think my life is so confusing, and frustrating and not what id hoped it would be, but then there are times like this that i feel stupid for being so selfish. the bottom line is that my mom and dad are healthy. my brothers and my sister in law are healthy... i am healthy. my friends are healthy. wondering if i should stay in colorado or go? stressing about finances? being mad that the husband i loved ruined our marriage, and now i hafta go it alone? NONE of it matters. it's so sad to me that nine times outta ten it takes absolutely shitty situations to remind me of that. im ashamed.