a heavy, heavy heart on a perfect spring morning...

ive blogged on here about my friend mike doucette, and i am very sad to have to update with such bad, bad news. mike has continued to fight- for months he has been in the hospital, working, and fighting, and struggling. it has seemed though, that within the last few weeks, mikes progress has been good. his eye sight had returned, most of the terrible sores went away, he began physical therapy, and was working to be up and moving more. each time there has been an update on his caring bridge site, i have gone, and been excited to hear that all of our prayers were being answered. mike was winning the battles, and i just knew he was on his way to winning the war.

here's mike after the war had already begun- you can see that he looks tired. his wife lisa is there with him, probably one of the most beautiful people- inside and out.

yesterday i learned though, that the war was ending, and mike will not survive. at first i got on my knees and prayed for a miracle... miracles happen every day, and WHY wouldn't a miracle be possible now? a miracle for a man who is good, a man who has integrity, a man who makes the world a better place by just being here. a man who is the husband to one of the sweetest people ive met, and the father to two young kids that deserve to have a dad in their lives. today im wondering if maybe accepting what is happening, is not just the best option for me, but the only one. the problem for me is that throughout this entire process, mike NOT winning this war was never an option. he just was a winner- in life i mean, and so in my head i NEVER even considered him not coming out of this on top. 

i am not a medical proffesional, and i don't probably know all of the correct terminology for his situaiton, but basically, the graft vs host disease has begun to attack mike's liver and he has become septic. he is aware of this, and that there just is no way to combat such a thing, and he and lisa are making the decisions regarding what to do next together. they have taken him off of the feeding tube, and he is in a great deal of pain. mike has 20lbs of extra water weight he is retaining right now. doctors have given him a week to live, but the bottom line is that he will more than likely go sooner. once the liver is done, the war is over. 

how can this be though? how is it that a man in his 40's, a man who is HEALTHY, a man who loves life and loves god, a man who has fought with every ounce of his being for months and months and months... die?  why? my heart is heavy today. i want to be strong, i don't want to cry- i dont deserve to cry because it's HIM who is having to say his final "goodbyes" right now. it's his WIFE who has to face a life without the man she adores. it's his KIDS who have to go through the rest of their lives without a daddy. why should i get the right to break down and cry? 

when i think about this situation, i am most affected by how lisa must feel. for mike, i believe it's terribly sad that such a young man, is loosing this fight. but soon his war will end, and he will be at peace and out of pain. lisa though, will be left to pick up the pieces. lisa will be left to figure out how to move on with life without her best friend by her side. lisa will have to try to hold it together for her kids, when really she must just want to lay in the bed all day and cry. i have never loved someone the way that i do my husband, and i believe it's because of that love i have for him, that i am so terribly burdened for her. it's a desperate kind of love, the kind that makes you sick if you think of life without it. the kind of love that means you would willingly die in his place if it meant he would be okay... the kind of love that makes life not worth living if he's not at your side to laugh with, and share life with. before becoming a wife, i don't believe i would have been as affected by this situation. but knowing that lisa is having to stare a life without her "someone" in the face, and be strong? i just can't imagine it.

music is something ive always found great comfort in, and there are two song today that describe my heart at this moment in time.

bebo norman "in your hands"

I didn't know I would love you when I looked into your eyes
But now I have a heart I cannot keep
And the greatest of fear is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water so deep

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands

Just so you know, I have never done this sort of thing before
I've never given up my very soul
But I have heard a voice like none I've heard before
And it's a voice that never grows old

Don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
I am in your hands
I know…I am in your hands

nicole nordman "small enough"

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

my hope and my prayers today is that mike and lisa and their families would KNOW that they are not alone, and that god is right there with him. my hope is that mike will no longer have to suffer and be in pain, but would go peacefully and with ease. my hope is that lisa and the rest of the family will somehow feel a comfort and a peace that is beyond all understanding, and that, that peace and comfort will stay with them as they face all of the many tomorrows without mike at their side.

cutie patootie at it's finest...

happy friday friends!

so i wanted to share something that i just think is over-the-top cute. like... is it ANY wonder at all that i can't wait to have his babies??

honestly folks- he is so cute, and always has been apparently.

that's all for today. be thankful and as always- be blessed.

10 things: pop culture, volume 1

this is like my own little pop culture gossip corner.

1) kardashians: i personally think kim is the prettiest kardashian. but kourtney is the most logical and less likely to break down in a drama crazed, emotional stooper. khloe is kinda the fun one, the one who isn't afraid to speak her mind. she's loyal... likes to lighten the mood. funny how everyone has their roles in a family, huh? anyway, i love the kardashians, and i think they kinda rock. all three girls better watch out for the younger two though- kendall and kylie jenner are going to be gorgeous!! i kinda love bruce and most times feel bad for him cause he gets kinda dismissed pretty regularly. rob... what does rob even do anyway? doesn't he feel bad to be a part of this awesome, productive, and very-public family, but not have anything of his own going on? i would. ps- i really wish kim woulda ended up with shengo, yeah??

2) american idol: i am LOVING idol this year. i wasn't sure what the new panel of judges would be like, but honestly.... couldn't be happier. who knew that steven tyler had such a heart. i seriously cried when he took such care and compassion when meeting chris medina's fiance julie at the beginning of the season. he is a true softie. notice how he is so tender with how he critiques the competitors... love. jennifer lopez... sigh. man is she ever gorgeous! like, how is that even possible? she looks amazing every single show, and i always find myself a bit captivated be her pretty self. she is super sweet too. randy seems to have turned into the hard ass of the bunch, yeah? but that's cool, there's gotta be one, and im really glad there is no mean-ness in the critisim provided. each judge really seems to come at the contestants from a loving place and i like that. as far as the contestants go... i LOVE casey! he is UHmazing. i also love lauren alaina, and though i was a bit bored with her last night, i think she will do very well in this competition. my other two faves are haley and paul. love their sound, style and swagger. seems like everyone else is really good (minus naima- don't love her! and ashton kinda blows too) this year... so it'll be fun to see what pans out over the next few weeks.

3) charlie sheen: the bottom line is that it is really, really, really sad what is going on. i feel sorry that we as a society are flocking to this man and his sad situation, and giving it so much attention. once again- we just can't get enough of bad things happening to other people, can we? we love to watch people fall on their face, all so we can laugh it up, and talk about what kinda idiots they are behind their backs, right? anyway, i am a bit burdened for charlie. especially his family. i think that addiction is a very serious thing, and it saddens me that he is choosing to (and has been given the opportunity to) completely fall apart in such a pubic way. ladies and gentlemen- this man has children! STOP buying stupid shit that says "winning" like t-shirts and ringtones! STOP watching the interviews. STOP encouraging this. recognize that this guy is sick and needs help and giving him any attention at all, is only encouraging the behavior... just like a child... it's very simple. the whole thing kinda makes me sick though. seriously.

4) movies: so eric and i watched 'for love and other drugs' this weekend, and though it was a bit risk-ay, i kinda thought it was awesome. it was well made, it told a story, it had a good, happy ending, it taught people about what real love truely is, and how it completes you when you find it. yes, anne hathoway gets nakey snakey, and yes, jake gyllenhall is a bit of a man whore, but all in all, i liked it a lot!

5) let's talk a bit about lady gaga: so yeah- i still don't get it. while i do find myself whole heartedly enjoying her new 'born this way' song, i still don't get HER. and the thing is... i think she kinda means for it to be that way. it's like she prides herself on being a "freak" and is doing so to give hope to the younger generations who find that theyre not fitting in with the typical jocks at school... but honestly- it's like she's taken this "freak" stuff to a whole new level. i don't get the hair and make up, i don't get the ridiculous outfits, i don't get the songs... i just don't get any of it. and this is coming from a girl who was NOT "the popular jock", the girl who tends to like and appreciate differences. basically though- i usually am left a bit confused with her. it's like she tries so hard to be different... i dunno.

6) lindsey lohan: so isn't today the day she goes before the judge again? if not today, it's sometime this week... this girl... sigh. sheesh. well, first of all, i loved her when she was younger. parent trap, duh. i loved her in mean girls. i loved her in freaky friday. but what's happened? is it the family drama that's sorta brought her down? was she just another victim of child super stardom? i dunno. but i do hope she goes to jail and learns her lesson. comes out clean, and pulls her life together so we can all go back to watching her in movies.

7) teen mom 2: let's talk about it. so yeah- love leah and corey. they definitely have their hands full, with not one but TWO baby girls, while being teens, and now dealing with one of the twins' special needs. wow, that's a lot for anyone, but especially a teenager. i think leah is so beautiful, and am happy to see her happy with corey. chelsea.... so sweet from day 1. a good mommy for sure... but naive. naive in the way that i was naive when i was young. choosing the have these idealistic ways of thinking, and just "knowing" that everything was going to turn out just as id hoped. i feel bad for her now that she's feeling the backlash of letting adam back into her life.. especially now that he's gone again. kailyn and jo. well first of all, jo thinks he is some kind of a hard ass, and is obviously a complete idiot.did you know he was arrested for being under the influence of the ganja last week? and yet he wants to act like kailyn is such a bad mom. i do think kailyn wants the best and is right to say that she doesn't think moving into their own place would be a wise decision. can't wait to see how that one pans out. and lastly, jennelle... i feel SO bad for jennelle. and not because she is so innocent and never messes up either. but because her mom is like a mother from hell. just the sound of her voice sends chills up my spine. nothing is everrrrr good enough. she's so mean, and so tough, and has a temper that just goes at any given moment. jennelle needs to peace out on keifer though, he's lame. i really hope she pulls it together. smoking pot isn't going to help her situation for getting jace back... but man! her mom is terrrriiiibbbllllleee!

8) so did everyone see gwenyth on glee this week? i totally thought she rocked it! she kinda rocks anyway, but i continue to find myself impressed with her vocal skills. it's not like she's got a lot of depth in her voice... but it's still good and i really enjoyed her on this weeks episode. i did hear she is talking to different labels about the possibility of doing an album. we'll see about that.

9) jon gosselin: so apparently, jon isn't doing so hot after peacing out on kate a year or two ago. im sad about that. i always liked jon, and kinda understood when he finally decided to stand up for himself with kate. she was a hard one to keep happy. and sometimes when you're stressed, you tend to take that out on the person closest to you. for her... that was jon. i didn't necessarily love the way he bowed out (seemed kinda shady with all the partying and other women) but i understood why he felt he needed to go. apparently now, he's kinda down and out. he's working construction, and has a 1 bedroom apartment, not far from the family home in PA. i wonder what it would be like to be him for a day. i wonder what he thinks about, and if he thinks he made the right call leaving. i wonder if he is happy. i really hope he still sees his kiddies though- they were as cute as could be, and deserve a papa in their lives.

10) cee lo green. yeah that's right.i said it. cee lo and i have become good friends. good, good friends. loving his new song out, but i am sad to say that i bought the entire album and it is kinda terrible. one of those that has like one maybe two good songs, but thats it. the rest kinda stinks. so save yourself the $13 and just buy "forget you" on itunes. promise.

disturbed

for someone like me who enjoys to believe that life is good, that people around me are genuinely good and honest, and that my surroundings are safe, it is really hard for me to deal with the reality of such a disturbing situation. what has this world come to?

so the tv is on some show that i have only been half way listening to. it's a show on 'E' about how young, beautiful girls have just disappeared... of course these aren't my favorite types of shows which would explain why im only half way interested. the bottom line is that i prefer to live in a little bubble. a bubble where there is no violence or hate, no dangers lurking right around the corner. it just makes more sense to me- to avoid dealing with the reality, and not have to live in fear. well anyway, so even though ive only been half way listening, ive noticed a bit of a trend with each of these cases. the majority of the girls taken, were eventually found to be taken by convicted sex offenders. convicted sex offenders that had served their time, and were out, living in communities. SO- it kinda got me thinking... ive heard oprah talk about this a lot, but have never actually taken the time or interest in researching the sex offender registry available. now i kinda wish i hadn't... i typed in my address and it wasn't long before... wait for it.... wait.... ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE sex offenders names popped up as living within 5 miles of my home. first of all, you should all know that i do not live in the ghetto. our home is located in a really charming, quaint, little community. a community where neighbors wave each morning, on your way out to work. a community where i feel and have always felt, very safe. but one hundred and five convicted sex offenders within a five mile radious of my home? totally unacceptable.

the bottom line though, is that this type of thing is everywhere! violence, crime, depressed people making terrible choices... i learned this early in life when the columbine shooting took place 20 minutes from my home when i was a junior in high school. it was terribly sad, and devastated our entire community! but what i found interesting though, is that the columbine shooting took place in highlands ranch, colorado- the area where everyone said was best. the area that everyone said was safest. the area that my aunt and uncle badgered my mom and dad to buy in when we moved there, and judged them when they couldnt afford to do so. they said there was just so much violence and crime in the area they could afford to buy in... highlands ranch was much safer. well... we all know how true that was on april 20th, 1999. thats a day i will never forget. so i get that crime happens everywhere. bad things happen everywhere. innocent people find themselves to be victims of terrible hate everywhere.

such a reality check though, to learn that i am surrounded by 105 convicted sex offenders on a daily basis. and especially to know that it's going to be that way everywhere we go. this may be totally politically incorrect and wrong but, i really wish that sex offenders would just be put to death. and not to say that an offender who preys on a grown woman is great (cause he's not!), but child sex offenders especially need to rot in hell. i just dont think they deserve to live. i don't think they deserve to have a home 5 miles from mine. i don't think it's fair that as i walk my dog around my neighborhood, i will now wonder if the offenders are lurking, if theyre passing me on the streets as i walk, if they're holding some innocent girl inside their house torturing them. i hate that when im out with my little cuties, i will now have an abnormal awareness of who and what is going on around me and the babe. not to say that i don't handle each situation with care when im out and about with them already... but i just feel like if some suspect guy even looked in little jenna claire's direction... oh man... i can't even begin to think of it. these are the reasons i have chosen for so long, to ignore realities such as these. never the less, education is power, and ignorance is bliss, right? my suggestion to each of you is to get onto that registry and do some research. though it will inevitably disturb you, i think it's important to empower ourselves with information like this so we know what we're dealing with.

a blog is a blog is a blog

1) eric and i have decided we are going to take a trip to hawaii before the year is over. can you believe ive never been? eric's dad was in the military and so he spent a year or two there while he was 4 - 5. he went to kindergarten there and seems to have awesome memories. he also was able to go back while he was in college. i can't believe im almost 30 (29 on march 20th, YIKES!) and still haven't been. so we're going. it's official like a referee and a whistle. can't wait. here are the things im MOST looking forward to:
     a) my first REAL vacation with eric. yes people, it's true. he and i have never really vacationed. every time we have time off, we go visit my parents in new york. which of course is awesome, but means we never have any time off to get away and do vacation type things... like lay on a beach.
     b) im not a huge fan of swimming IN the ocean, but the ocean totally fascinates me. i can't wait to get down on the that beach, and watch the waves and build a sand castle.
     c) wearing flowers in my hair... like everyday. doesn't that just sound romantic and fun?
     d) i want to para-sail! oh my gosh, that sounds like the best time ever!!!
     e) we've already talked about how hawaii has some really awesome golf courses, so eric's gonna take a morning to golf while i.... wait for it.... here it comes..... have a day at the spa! yes- another thing ive never ever been able to do. how awesome would it be to just spend hours getting pampered?
     f) i would really love to swim with the dolphins, but that would require me to actually get IN the water... i bet if i actually were given the opportunity though, id do it! dolphins just seem so friendly.
     g) getting a tan.
     h) wearing cute summer dresses and flip flops.
     i) not having to even think for a single second about my real life... which is busy, and sometimes stressful. i can't imagine just being away, and not having to worry or stress out about every day things like unloading/loading the dishwasher, giving bristol her meds, packing my lunch, working out, etc. etc. etc.

well and there's plenty more that im looking forward to, but ill hafta continue that later. let's move on...

2) this week has been a bit of a nightmare for me. mostly because of my own personal struggles. i got a membership to a gym and have actually been going each day. for those of you who know me at all.... you KNOW that this is like my least favorite thing to do.... EVER! i wish it weren't that way. i wish i enjoyed it. because my suspicion is that had i actually grown up enjoying working out, i wouldn't have ever let myself get to this point. this point where i just feel hideous and like the whole goal is pointless because it's SO far away and SO much work. but... that's not positive thinking, now is it? so ive been going- every day. and forcing myself to do cardio. and im not going to lie- it's the pits. on top of the gym, ive been eating great. without meaning to, ive actually managed to stay in between 1000 - 1200 calories a day. what sucks about this though, is that i feel terrible. my stomach's been giving me a run for my money and i am SO terribly tired.

so here's a thought: ya know how people talk about how they just "love" to exercise and how they just "crave" working out? they always say something like "well, once you get past the initial horror of it all, you begin to love it and need it to survive." initial horror? really? because i dont know about you, but if something is really that horrific, why bother continuing? that's what ive always said about beer anyway... everyone says the same thing "oh it's an acquired taste... it'll grow on you." uh... NO. if it tastes bad the first time, why try for a second? and if you DO try for a second, and it STILL tastes bad, why try for a third? i just don't see the point. the same applies with this whole exercising nonsense- who wants to have to deal with what seems to be never-ending horror for weeks on end, all so that one day, you MIGHT find yourself loving it? unfortunately though, i think exercising is like a necessary evil. unlike beer (where if i choose not to partake it hurts no one and doesn't matter) i realize that my lack of exercising and avoidance of the whole thing is what got me here. ugh.

so ive come to the conclusion that there's just no great solution... except to keep going. keep pushing through. keep trying to remember my greater goal: HAWAII. and more than hawaii, feeling comfortable again, being healthy. so... without further ado... im now down 18.6lbs and that's encouraging. i have about 26 more pounds to loose before ive reached my first goal. 26 pounds doesn't probably seem like a lot to you, but to me it feels very overwhelming. as far as not feeling well like i mentioned above though- my stomach's just been a mess, but mostly, i am just SO tired! i don't know what to do with myself. part of this may be because i work every day from 8:30 - 6:30, and most times don't get to arrive home until 7:00. then i hafta to rush and change into work out clothes, and drive to the gym. by the time that happens, it's probably 7:30, and i work out for an hour. at 8:30 im leaving the gym, and wondering what in the world i should do about dinner. by the time i get home, and get dinner fixed, it's 9:30 at night. of course at that point im in dire need of a shower and so when that's all said and done, it's 10 o'clock at night. ive been going since early in the morning, haven't had any time to talk to my husband really, but still just wanna fall in the bed and sleep. usually though, because im so wound up, even if i try to fall in the bed and sleep at 10, my mind is still going and it's become a challenge to get my body to settle enough to sleep. so yeah- im lucky if i get 6 - 7 hours each night, and for those of you who know me, and know me well.... you know what that means. i wish there was a way to handle all of my business before 8 o'clock. sometimes i think about what life would be like if i were one of those lucky souls who got off of work at 5 o'clock. think of the possibilities! i could successfully go to work, the gym, have dinner, shower, maybe even watch a little tv, AND i could spend an hour or an hour and a half relaxing with eric, and winding down from my day before sleeping in the bed by 10. yeah... if only.  so.... i will continue on. enough about that.

3) my eric is turning 30 on march 31st and i want to do something fab for him. i need your ideas! what could i do??? i think it'd be fun to throw him a fun surprise party or something, but that's just not really an option because it would be lame! we don't really have many friends- i can think of 2, maybe 3 (if we're lucky) friends who might show up. josh, kellee, and jerry (if his crazy wife lets him outta the house) or maybe sup- but only if we had it at a place with "activities." so yeah- surprise party might be hard to pull off, what other ideas do you fabulous folks have?

4) i scheduled the cleaning fairy (ms. donna) to come and work her magic on my house a few days before the wedding shower. this is good news, and though it may seem like a total cop out, i don't care. i have enough on my plate, and with cooking and setting everything up the day of, i can assure you i am NOT going to want to be on my hands and knees scrubbing! PLUS, then my house will be radiantly beautiful the day after the shower- march 20th! and there's nothing that makes me happier than a cleaner house. (ps- if you're in need of some good help, you should totally let me know! ms. donna is AWESOME!)

5) i should really get off my arse now and try to make some sense of my hair.... before i have to go in public at least. i need a haircut... bad.