i am starting to get really excited about finding a place of my own! i really feel like it is the final step i need to take, to conclude what has been known as "the nightmare of 2011" in my life. it's like the final step to getting a life of my OWN back. when i met eric, i had it all together. i had my own place, filled with brand new furniture, a job, a brand new car. i was in school full time, and working full time. i had my shit together. now, i have nothing. at this point bristol anne has more furniture than i do, because she's at least got a crate! lol. i have no dishes, or sofa, or lamps... i have no bed... i have no nothing. i think getting all of the essentials back, in a place of my own is essential to moving on and closing this horrific chapter in my life.
the problem im having at this point, is finding a place that is affordable. i really need to be close to work so that i can run home on my hour long lunch break to spend some time with b and let her out. im thinking the drive can be up to 15 minutes, cause then id at least have 30 minutes with her to be out and stuff before having to head back in. so far, the majority of the places are $800 and over, and honestly? that's just too much. crazy since i had a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhome in nashville for $800! here? no way! i would prefer to not go above $750... that's like the tip top of my budget. so let's all begin to wish, and hope, and think, and pray for a place that is really close to work, and less than $750/month! my only conditions are that it be in an okay area since ill be all alone (and needing to let bristol out when i get home at 2am), and that it be close to work. it doesn't have to be pretty even! (which is HUGE for me!) just close to work, and safe.
one thing that kinda makes me sad is that i feel like it's going to be like forever before im able to say "ive done it. ive bounced back." though ill likely have a place of my own within the upcoming months, it will undoubtedly be pretty empty for quite some time. :/ that'll probably be hard for me. it will take lots of patience and hard work. ill have to save every single dime to be able to buy a sofa for myself (off of craigslist no less!) in like a year!
i wish i could do it all right this second! i wish so badly that i could just go get an apartment, and fill it with lots of cute things, like tomorrow! i feel like emotionally im at that point where i just want this whole thing to be DONE and OVER with. a distant memory! in my rearview mirror! and the longer im in this stupid "in between" phase, the harder it is to feel that way!
1.31.2012
1.30.2012
jessica's bridal shower.
i had a bridal shower for my friend jessica who is getting married soon yesterday, and i thought id post a few pics of how it came out. i think it was a smashing success! we had a great turn out, with lotsa good food, and great gifts! enjoy...
just in case someone forgot who the bride was i guess....
the bride with her new darmstedter sisters.
the favors... i found the cutest, teency, tiny, little glass jars... filled em with delicious candy and tied them with a bow. (thank you shannon, emily, kacie, maddie and taryn for the help!)
the centerpiece flowers. the color scheme for the shower was white, light pink and that fun blue.
the bride with her mom, and the groom's mom stephanie.
white chocolate covered strawberries. mmm.
the bride with her baby girl isabelle who spent the entire time (no really- the ENTIRE time) gathering up all of the pink and white heart shaped confetti. :)
im glad it turned out to be so fun, and that everyone seemed to have a good time. next up? the bachelorette party! look out.
1.28.2012
weird
what's funny is that more times than i can count, my mom and i will decide the same things about a situation, 100's of miles apart. every time it happens, we are both delighted to learn we are somehow just in sync. just thought id share.
good things are coming. get ready.
good things are coming. get ready.
1.27.2012
home.
my mind is kind of scatter brained right now... im thinking of lots of different things all at the same time. does that ever happen to you? this is the reason i can't ever seem to fall asleep until 4am. there's a lot going on, and it seems when i get home at the end of the night, i finally have time to think things through.
first of all, for the first time in a long time ive felt today that living here might just work. im not sure why, or what caused me to feel this way... nothing has dramatically changed or happened, i just feel myself thinking more about creating a life here, than creating a life somewhere else. it might just be possible. i think if i were able to magically transplant the few friends in nashville i feel lost without, id be wanting to stay here in a heartbeat. maybe it has something to do with this...
this is my old house. not the one i moved away from to go off into the world on my own, but the one we moved to when we first arrived in colorado. i was 12 when this became my home, and i was 19 when i left it. lots of amazing memories were made in this house. as you can see, it is for sale at the moment (and vacant), so i was able to go onto the porch and peak in the windows and snoop. :) it was hugely nastalgic to say the least. as i looked through the windows, and saw the same wood floors my dad spent tireless hours laying down, and the new white carpet my mom was so excited to install, and the crown molding my dad made and hung all by himself, i finally began to feel at home. i saw my childhood flash before me in an instant. i remembered family christmas', home-schooling, the smell of home made bread, going off to prom, graduating high school, when the rowell family came to visit, and seeing my grandmother in this house for the very last time. while it has undoubtedly changed a LOT, it was like something clicked for me inside.
i also found myself feeling a little bit sad too because the place just isn't what it was when my family lived there. it looks so sad and lonely. when we called this place home, the house was painted this pretty cream color, and it had crisp white trim. the shutters were black, and those flower beds in front of the porch and behind those gorgeous rock walls were always filled with beautifully colored flowers. the yard was always, always, always well manicured, and the garage door didn't have that tilt in it toward the bottom. if i were able, i would buy this place up in a heartbeat, and make it my own again. the neighborhood pretty much looks the same, but it was sad because once upon a time- this house was the prettiest on the block. now it's kind of an eyesore. i guess it made me sad too because i had memories come back to me from when life was just so simple, and easy, and good. when i called this place home, i had my WHOLE ENTIRE life ahead of me! i can't help but think of what life would have turned out like, had i known then all of the dreadful things about life, that i know now.
ANYway... i think that may have stirred something inside of me, and today i woke up feeling okay about considering a life here again. i had a meeting today with a committee i joined at work called 'possi-com.' i had asked to join when i first started working because i thought it might be a good way to get more involved. today was our first meeting, and i felt myself feeling excited about the opportunity to plan fun events and gatherings to have within the company. i loved planning events professionally, and im excited to be a part of this team. we'll plan things like company-wide bar-b-ques, and ice cream socials. someone in the meeting mentioned how we donate any leftover food from the events to the local boys and girls club, and for a second i caught myself thinking about the future, and how fun it would be to get involved there and to become a "big sister." i guess the point that im making here is that today was the first time in a long, long time that i would catch myself thinking about a life HERE, instead of missing my life THERE. interesting.
ive realized something else kind of interesting lately too- i came here so that i could be near all of my oldest friends... i planned to lean on them, be a part of their lives, and have the support i thought id need to get through this tough time. ive mentioned before feeling so disappointed in the outcome of that expectation... while im not mad about those "oldest friends" being busy living their chaotic lives, it is admittedly NOT what id expected! but lately, ive been having such fun with NEW friends, that im beginning to wonder if THAT'S another reason i needed to come here... to be around my old friends, yes- but also, to make new friends and to build and invest in NEW relationships.
all of this to say- i am feeling torn. there are pros and cons for staying here and for going back. how about we make a list of each, shall we?
PROS for staying in COLORADO:
-i have a good, reliable job that i love. it provides me with all necessary benefits, and the opportunity to have a career- to stay long-term, and to move and grow.
-i have old friends here, and i have my really fun new friends here too. (new friends, that seem to come out of the woodwork daily!)
-my brother and my sister-in-law (who i love and ALWAYS have a TON of fun with!) live here, and i like being able to see them often.
-colorado is MINE. it has not, and never will have anything at all to do with a life lived with eric. no memories of my life with him are here. and that's refreshing.
-this is still the prettiest place on earth.
CONS for staying in COLORADO:
-this place is crazy expensive.
-i miss my friends.
-i miss the plantinga/bonnett clan like mad.
PROS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-inexpensive!
-great, fun friends. (there are only just a couple, but they rock my face off!)
-my mom and dad are a days drive away.
-the plantinga/bonnett clan bring me happiness and fill my heart with joy.
CONS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-i would feel like an idiot for going back.
-i have no job there and would essentially be completely starting over in that department.
-the summers are hotter than hell and i hate it.
-memories of my life with eric might haunt me.
-i could run into eric at any point in time, and then what?
based on the above list of pros/cons, does it seems like staying here wins? kinda seems that way to me, but im not ready to own that just yet.
first of all, for the first time in a long time ive felt today that living here might just work. im not sure why, or what caused me to feel this way... nothing has dramatically changed or happened, i just feel myself thinking more about creating a life here, than creating a life somewhere else. it might just be possible. i think if i were able to magically transplant the few friends in nashville i feel lost without, id be wanting to stay here in a heartbeat. maybe it has something to do with this...
this is my old house. not the one i moved away from to go off into the world on my own, but the one we moved to when we first arrived in colorado. i was 12 when this became my home, and i was 19 when i left it. lots of amazing memories were made in this house. as you can see, it is for sale at the moment (and vacant), so i was able to go onto the porch and peak in the windows and snoop. :) it was hugely nastalgic to say the least. as i looked through the windows, and saw the same wood floors my dad spent tireless hours laying down, and the new white carpet my mom was so excited to install, and the crown molding my dad made and hung all by himself, i finally began to feel at home. i saw my childhood flash before me in an instant. i remembered family christmas', home-schooling, the smell of home made bread, going off to prom, graduating high school, when the rowell family came to visit, and seeing my grandmother in this house for the very last time. while it has undoubtedly changed a LOT, it was like something clicked for me inside.
i also found myself feeling a little bit sad too because the place just isn't what it was when my family lived there. it looks so sad and lonely. when we called this place home, the house was painted this pretty cream color, and it had crisp white trim. the shutters were black, and those flower beds in front of the porch and behind those gorgeous rock walls were always filled with beautifully colored flowers. the yard was always, always, always well manicured, and the garage door didn't have that tilt in it toward the bottom. if i were able, i would buy this place up in a heartbeat, and make it my own again. the neighborhood pretty much looks the same, but it was sad because once upon a time- this house was the prettiest on the block. now it's kind of an eyesore. i guess it made me sad too because i had memories come back to me from when life was just so simple, and easy, and good. when i called this place home, i had my WHOLE ENTIRE life ahead of me! i can't help but think of what life would have turned out like, had i known then all of the dreadful things about life, that i know now.
ANYway... i think that may have stirred something inside of me, and today i woke up feeling okay about considering a life here again. i had a meeting today with a committee i joined at work called 'possi-com.' i had asked to join when i first started working because i thought it might be a good way to get more involved. today was our first meeting, and i felt myself feeling excited about the opportunity to plan fun events and gatherings to have within the company. i loved planning events professionally, and im excited to be a part of this team. we'll plan things like company-wide bar-b-ques, and ice cream socials. someone in the meeting mentioned how we donate any leftover food from the events to the local boys and girls club, and for a second i caught myself thinking about the future, and how fun it would be to get involved there and to become a "big sister." i guess the point that im making here is that today was the first time in a long, long time that i would catch myself thinking about a life HERE, instead of missing my life THERE. interesting.
ive realized something else kind of interesting lately too- i came here so that i could be near all of my oldest friends... i planned to lean on them, be a part of their lives, and have the support i thought id need to get through this tough time. ive mentioned before feeling so disappointed in the outcome of that expectation... while im not mad about those "oldest friends" being busy living their chaotic lives, it is admittedly NOT what id expected! but lately, ive been having such fun with NEW friends, that im beginning to wonder if THAT'S another reason i needed to come here... to be around my old friends, yes- but also, to make new friends and to build and invest in NEW relationships.
all of this to say- i am feeling torn. there are pros and cons for staying here and for going back. how about we make a list of each, shall we?
PROS for staying in COLORADO:
-i have a good, reliable job that i love. it provides me with all necessary benefits, and the opportunity to have a career- to stay long-term, and to move and grow.
-i have old friends here, and i have my really fun new friends here too. (new friends, that seem to come out of the woodwork daily!)
-my brother and my sister-in-law (who i love and ALWAYS have a TON of fun with!) live here, and i like being able to see them often.
-colorado is MINE. it has not, and never will have anything at all to do with a life lived with eric. no memories of my life with him are here. and that's refreshing.
-this is still the prettiest place on earth.
CONS for staying in COLORADO:
-this place is crazy expensive.
-i miss my friends.
-i miss the plantinga/bonnett clan like mad.
PROS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-inexpensive!
-great, fun friends. (there are only just a couple, but they rock my face off!)
-my mom and dad are a days drive away.
-the plantinga/bonnett clan bring me happiness and fill my heart with joy.
CONS for moving to NASHVILLE:
-i would feel like an idiot for going back.
-i have no job there and would essentially be completely starting over in that department.
-the summers are hotter than hell and i hate it.
-memories of my life with eric might haunt me.
-i could run into eric at any point in time, and then what?
based on the above list of pros/cons, does it seems like staying here wins? kinda seems that way to me, but im not ready to own that just yet.
1.26.2012
today was a big day...
so, after a long haul and almost 5 whole months later i am finally divorced. as of this morning actually.... my lawyer went to court on my behalf at 9am today, and presented my statement id sent since i could not be there in person. (though i would have liked to... i love nashville and would give anything for a good excuse to go visit!)
i never really knew what to expect to feel on this day. it's been looming all this time, and ill be honest.... sometimes ive dreaded it, sometimes ive questioned whether or not it was what is right... sometimes ive been annoyed at the idea that on this day i would offically have the lovely "divorcee" stigma attached to me. (something MUST be wrong with me... right?) but in all honesty, today was a good day. i spent more time laughing hysterically with my work bff mike, than i could have ever imagined. i wasn't sad, there were no tears... and i didn't even feel like the failure i did at the beginning of this whole mess. i basically have just felt content. content with my situation, and with the outcome. content with knowing that there are brighter things ahead. content with knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there really isn't ANYthing wrong with ME... it's actually HIM who has the problem. i just mostly felt at peace. i am SO pleased to report this news, because like id said- i didn't know what types of emotions this day would bring, and im glad it turned out to be okay. im so thankful i was able to get to this place of acceptance and healing BEFORE this day... i think that made it easier.
my friends at work are so sweet, and remembered what today was for me. they even brought me a little, teeny, tiny cake to celebrate, and we made sure it was a good time had by all! see pictures below.
i never really knew what to expect to feel on this day. it's been looming all this time, and ill be honest.... sometimes ive dreaded it, sometimes ive questioned whether or not it was what is right... sometimes ive been annoyed at the idea that on this day i would offically have the lovely "divorcee" stigma attached to me. (something MUST be wrong with me... right?) but in all honesty, today was a good day. i spent more time laughing hysterically with my work bff mike, than i could have ever imagined. i wasn't sad, there were no tears... and i didn't even feel like the failure i did at the beginning of this whole mess. i basically have just felt content. content with my situation, and with the outcome. content with knowing that there are brighter things ahead. content with knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there really isn't ANYthing wrong with ME... it's actually HIM who has the problem. i just mostly felt at peace. i am SO pleased to report this news, because like id said- i didn't know what types of emotions this day would bring, and im glad it turned out to be okay. im so thankful i was able to get to this place of acceptance and healing BEFORE this day... i think that made it easier.
my friends at work are so sweet, and remembered what today was for me. they even brought me a little, teeny, tiny cake to celebrate, and we made sure it was a good time had by all! see pictures below.
(don't mind the lack of make up... it's not allowed at work!)
so there you have it. i am divorced. these last nine months of my life have been a roller coaster (nine months ago is when i intially learned of the affair) ... probably the hardest ive ever endured! let me be clear- i dont regret fighting for my marriage. and though my efforts did not in the end pay off as id hoped, it is a satisfying feeling to know that i did all that i could do. so.... now i can officially begin looking toward my future. it is a refreshing feeling to know that i have nothing and no one holding me back. now the only question is.... what's next??
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