it's 2:35am on thursday morning. thursday... my last day here. wow. how did this moment arrive so suddenly? it seems like just yesterday i wondered how id ever survive six whole weeks of dread. but here i am... tomorrow at this time, i expect to have my vehicle loaded, and sleeping soundly so that i can head out bright and early on friday morning. right now im just kind of in disbelief that i actually made it. and guess what? im still in one piece. ill admit im one tired, haggard looking, no make up wearing, stressed out piece... but im here, and i am thankful.
today is the day i will say goodbye to my fabulous little favorites. i can't even imagine how that will be. i hope to make it more of an "ill see you soon!" type of goodbye, than an actual "goodbye." ive finally completed the special little projects i had planned, and i am ready for my last supper with my favorite fam.
here is the plan for the day that lies before me:
1) go to sleep. because at this point, ive got to be up and ready in like 6 hours, and sleep seems necessary. especially since ive been fighting this awful sore throat for WEEKS! (ugh)
2) wake up and meet my baby for the very last time. :( feed said baby breakfast and let her play until she's ready for a nap. while she plays i need to remember to call the financing company for the honda and get our account number and then immediately email it to my lawyer. (once upon a time, my life was easy breezy and beautiful. organization was a must, and i knew where everything was. these days though? not so much. so yeah- i don't know my account number and im not about to waste my time digging through junk to find it).
3) during naptime, ill force myself to shower and then work on sorting through the boxes ive got. i need to make a "must take" pile and a "can ship to myself later" pile. (later as in when i have money to do so.) once this is done, i will begin to clean.
4) ill need to make sure the baby is up and that we're heading out by 11:30 because at that point ive got to go downtown to sign my divorce papers. it'll be nice to have such a charming and sweet little lady to keep me company on this journey.
5) from there, ill need to pick up my prescription, and call my vet (who i just saw saturday and dropped $150 for an exam!) because it seems my baby bristol is breaking out into one of her dreadful skin infections again. i need an antibiotic stat. BEFORE i move and before it gets completely out of control.
6) once those things are handled im guessing my little sugar and i just might need to stop for a bit of a lunch break. maybe if im feeling frisky and prepared, i can remember to pack a pic nic, and we can spend our last lunch together pic-nic-ing at the park on the way home.
7) once we are home, sophie might want to sleep some more but we'll hafta play that one by ear. ya just never know with that crazy baby. if she chooses to stay awake, we will play and i will cherish every moment! maybe take b on a walk or something awesome like that. if she chooses to sleep, i will make use of the free time by beginning to haul of my stuff downstairs so it will be ready to pack later. i can also use this free time to continue cleaning michelle's cute house. (ya see... bristol has this thing with leaving paw prints everywhere and ill be honest... it makes me kinda crazy!)
8) by 3:20, the baby and i need to be heading out the door to go get my other two favorites. im not sure what kinda fun we'll get into for our last afternoon together, but im thinking something fab... like ice cream.... id like to say ill let them pick the place, but jenna claire will immediately ask for the frist center for the visual arts, or paint your own pottery. neither of which are options on school days because they are too far. SO- i may just do ice cream with my kiddie-roos, we'll see.
9) then of course we'll hafta head home to be responsible and tend to homework, etc. etc. etc. this is always my favorite part of the day... it's always such a joy to keep sophie from climbing the walls, while trying to get r and jc to focus and study and be productive. (can you sense my sarcasim? lol) for some reason though, i suspect ill cherish those minutes that pass by with difficulty tomorrow... knowing that they are the last ill have the chance to balance such chaos.
10) after my work day is done, i get to spend some qt with "the fam." we're supposed to do dinner, though i don't know the plan for that just yet. im sure it'll be a fun, but bittersweet, and heart breaking time for me. this is the moment i have been dreading since my life fell apart, and i made the decision to move. pray for me.
11) once dinner is done, ill head back to michelle's to begin loading my stuff into the car. as stated previously, i intend to have the piles set out and clearling organized from earlier in the day, so im hoping this will be a smooth process.
12) once that is done, ill go back to cleaning, and putting some final touches on the house for m. i just want it to be like my messy mut was never here... lol. well- her paw prints at least. :)
13) at 11 ill need to head out for the airport to pick up my beloved friend jessica who is flying in JUST because she doesn't want me to have to drive alone. is that not just SO nice?! yeah- so her flight arrives at 11.30, and i plan to pick her up and come home to fall into bed before the big journey begins on friday.
and THAT is a day in the life. that's pretty much been my life for a while now... busy. and chaotic. and stressful. and busy. im glad i just made that nice little list because now ill have no problem staying right on track tomorrow to be sure and get everything handled.
here are my concerns at this moment:
im very concerned about money. eric has said all along that he would help me transition to colorado financially. he was always our bread winner, and since he makes like WAY more than i do or have ever made, i just relied on him for support. now, ive got some money saved... but not at all what id hoped to have. im worried about when i get to colorado and not having enough money to get by. he has promised to help... but he has broken plans to meet me to on more than one occassion. i know that ill be okay... i do. i just am worried. ive done ALL that i can and could have done... and i realize there is NO point at all in stressing about it, because it is out of my control. but please say a prayer... or send positive vibes... or something... anything ya got friends. cause i need something to work out for a change. i really do.
please also pray for my sweet little family to find a great replacement for me. theyre having a really hard time, and it absolutely kills me to know that i am leaving them high and dry. i mean... not high and dry i guess (don't worry- i did be sure to give notice!) but id just hoped to be heading out knowing who was going to be caring for them. knowing that they were comfortable with the new person. knowing that they would be okay, and feel okay about this transition. instead ross is having melt downs left and right, and the right person just hasn't arrived. please, please pray. i am so concerned. they deserve the absolute best. i just really hope that the right gal comes crossing their little path... like in five minutes. please. and thank you.
im also worried about bristol. im sad for her. i don't know if i am or if ill ever be enough. she was used to having a mommy and a daddy. i feel like she knows somethings missing. i feel sad for her. im worried. but im hoping once we get to colorado, the weather will be nice enough to get her out at the dog park excersising, etc. i just cant wait to establish a new "normal" for my baby and i. i think it'll help us both.
and lastly, im worried that i might never ever fall asleep to begin living this crazy day if i keep my computer on. SO goodnight. thanks for reading friends. and for the prayers. be blessed, and as always- be thankful.
10.27.2011
10.25.2011
im tired today
im feeling a little bit overwhelmed with my life right now... cant imagine why. i guess im just feeling down to the wire, and realizing that there are still SO many things i need to be doing to get ready. i hit the road friday morning... should be arriving in colorado saturday afternoon. i cannot, cannot, canNOT wait to get really settled in and create a new "normal" for myself. but before that time can come, ive seriously got like a zillion things to do.
1) trying to consolodate as many of these boxes as possible is going to be tricky, but i definitely think it it necessary to get as much stuff back with me as possible.
2) bristol needs a bath- like, for real.
3) ive got to clean this house something awful! poor michelle, opened up her home to bristol and i, and it's just kind of a mess. i hate mess. definitely do not intend to leave it this way!
4) pick up my liscense plate from the dealership.
5) continue trying to convince my soon-to-be-X that it is really, really important to get his things out of the old apartment.
6) pack the vehicle.
7) say final goodbyes.
8) sign my divorce papers.
9) purchase a few small things for a few special people.
10) finish sophie's one year scrapbook.
SHEESH! that's a lot huh? and yet i sit here... writing on my blog.
1) trying to consolodate as many of these boxes as possible is going to be tricky, but i definitely think it it necessary to get as much stuff back with me as possible.
2) bristol needs a bath- like, for real.
3) ive got to clean this house something awful! poor michelle, opened up her home to bristol and i, and it's just kind of a mess. i hate mess. definitely do not intend to leave it this way!
4) pick up my liscense plate from the dealership.
5) continue trying to convince my soon-to-be-X that it is really, really important to get his things out of the old apartment.
6) pack the vehicle.
7) say final goodbyes.
8) sign my divorce papers.
9) purchase a few small things for a few special people.
10) finish sophie's one year scrapbook.
SHEESH! that's a lot huh? and yet i sit here... writing on my blog.
10.23.2011
im going to try to come back...
i haven't been around in a long time... a long, long time. sorry about that. sometimes though, life happens and it's just not possible to share about it all on the internet. sometimes things are too devastating to talk about. sometimes things are just too tough to even accept on your own, and so trying to share the details of your life with the world around you is just not possible because the details are too tough to really even come to terms with. sometimes, when life is not good and when things get messed up, i just need to crawl under my little rock for awhile. i hate posting lame stuff on here about how my life sucks, so thank me for saving you from the drama over these last six months- seriously.
im going to give you a short recap so that we can all be on the same page moving forward. :) and as im sure you remember- i like to operate in lists... so here we go-
1) eric and i are getting a divorce. turns out i married the wrong guy... hate when that happens.
2) as a result of my life with eric ending, i felt very torn about how to move forward with my life. in many ways i felt like my life in nashville WAS eric, and without him there just was no life. but then i would look at my sweet little babes i get to watch each day, and think about having them and how important that is/has been, etc. i ultimately made the decision to head home to colorado because i just think it will be in my best interest to go home, and try to start fresh and new. ive really considered moving back for about the last year and now that it's just me that i hafta worry about, ive decided to do it. im leaving in 5 days.
3) this comes with a plethora of emotions that are very hard to describe. i am excited! i can't wait to get home, and see everyone and really start over. but i am also sad. because going to start over means leaving my favorites behind, and the closer it gets, the more uneasy i feel. how can i possibly say goodbye? the tiny humans have brought me so much joy over these last 2 years.... jenna claire has turned in to such a tall and beautiful and smart little sugar. she's reading now by the way, and is just as cute as ever! rossi p is still my little rock star. he still says the funniest things ever! the other day when i told him how cute he was, he responded by saying "and the best part is? you get to look at me for free!" who says that?! ROSSI P does! he's getting big too- very athletic looking, and is doing WONDERFULLY in school. and then there's sophie. little sophie b... what is there to even say? i met her on the very first day she was born, and i fell in love. but i never ever expected that love to grow and feel like THIS. its crazy. she is a busy girl these days, and we spend a lot of time outside running around, enjoying the weather. she's talking now and giving kisses ALL the time which melts my heart. i love her. and what's more is that i KNOW she loves me. leaving this life behind will undoubtedly be the very best thing for me.... but i expect the hardest thing i have ever, ever done. :/ please pray for me that i can just get through it all, and that i can cherish this last week with my fabulous favorites. and please pray for them- that they might find a nanny who will love and care for these babies just as i have done, and who will absolutely fall in love with this family- just as i have done.
4) some of you may be wondering about this precious babe...
well? she'll be coming with her mama to become a colorado girl too. so to all of you colorado folks who have been adoring her from afar these last two years? get ready! cause bristol anne is comin' your way! :)
5)the plan:
when i get to colorado, i plan to stay with a dear, sweet friend of mine who offered up her guest bed/bath for b and i to use till we can get on our feet. i am eternally greatful for her hospitality and for her generosity. i am seriously in awe of the love i feel from this special person, and i cannot, cannot, cannot wait to run the streets with her again.
ill need to find a good job that is full time. i do not plan to nanny again- one, because i need a job that can give me benefits. but two, because i just can't ever imagine "replacing" these babes ive got now. they will forever hold that place in my heart, and that's really how i intend to keep it. so yeah- looking for a job that is full time, and that will offer benefits. keep an eye out for me, and if you see anything let me know!
eventually, once i save enough money to start over (and i will literally be starting over because we have had to sell EVERYTHING in this divorce!), b and i will find a place of our own to rent. im still not sure how long it'll take me to get us there, but i definitely don't want to wear out my welcome with jess, so hopefully i can find a job, save some money and get a place of my own.
id also like to get back into school but have yet to determine if it makes the most sense to finish online, or to transfer my credits to metro and actually go. we'll see. but im not too far from being done and so i am excited to get back in the swing of things and make that a priority again.
other than all of that?
my parents came to visit me last weekend and that was a smashing good time! we ran the streets and went out to eat, and just spent time being normal... which was nice because my life has been so far from normal these days... it was nice to pretend for awhile. shannon and paul got married the weekend before that, and their wedding turned out to be gorgeous!!!! i can't wait to see all of the pics! :) lastly, and friend who i would've never guessed would die, has died. he comes from a dear, sweet family and i would really appreciate as many prayers for the caulk family as possible. jamie was in a car accident earlier this month, and then had a stroke as a result of his injuries. the stroke affected the brain stem, and he went into a coma. he was on life support for about a week before the family decided to take him off the ventilator, hoping his brain stem would have been restored and that he would take a breath on his own. unfortunately though, he passed away and left a loving family behind. please pray for the caulk family... i can only imagine what it must feel like to be dealing with such loss. it definitely puts things into perspective for me, that's for sure. seems so silly and selfish and stupid that ive cried thousands of tears and worried, and stressed over loosing my life with eric. i mean- don't get me wrong... that's sad, and has been terribly hard. but i think it's so important to be thankful even in the midst of terrible circumstances. and in this i can say that at least my family and i are all healthy and happy! sometimes a bit of perspective is a good thing.
thanks for sticking with me friends. remember to be thankful, and always- be blessed.
im going to give you a short recap so that we can all be on the same page moving forward. :) and as im sure you remember- i like to operate in lists... so here we go-
1) eric and i are getting a divorce. turns out i married the wrong guy... hate when that happens.
2) as a result of my life with eric ending, i felt very torn about how to move forward with my life. in many ways i felt like my life in nashville WAS eric, and without him there just was no life. but then i would look at my sweet little babes i get to watch each day, and think about having them and how important that is/has been, etc. i ultimately made the decision to head home to colorado because i just think it will be in my best interest to go home, and try to start fresh and new. ive really considered moving back for about the last year and now that it's just me that i hafta worry about, ive decided to do it. im leaving in 5 days.
3) this comes with a plethora of emotions that are very hard to describe. i am excited! i can't wait to get home, and see everyone and really start over. but i am also sad. because going to start over means leaving my favorites behind, and the closer it gets, the more uneasy i feel. how can i possibly say goodbye? the tiny humans have brought me so much joy over these last 2 years.... jenna claire has turned in to such a tall and beautiful and smart little sugar. she's reading now by the way, and is just as cute as ever! rossi p is still my little rock star. he still says the funniest things ever! the other day when i told him how cute he was, he responded by saying "and the best part is? you get to look at me for free!" who says that?! ROSSI P does! he's getting big too- very athletic looking, and is doing WONDERFULLY in school. and then there's sophie. little sophie b... what is there to even say? i met her on the very first day she was born, and i fell in love. but i never ever expected that love to grow and feel like THIS. its crazy. she is a busy girl these days, and we spend a lot of time outside running around, enjoying the weather. she's talking now and giving kisses ALL the time which melts my heart. i love her. and what's more is that i KNOW she loves me. leaving this life behind will undoubtedly be the very best thing for me.... but i expect the hardest thing i have ever, ever done. :/ please pray for me that i can just get through it all, and that i can cherish this last week with my fabulous favorites. and please pray for them- that they might find a nanny who will love and care for these babies just as i have done, and who will absolutely fall in love with this family- just as i have done.
4) some of you may be wondering about this precious babe...
5)the plan:
when i get to colorado, i plan to stay with a dear, sweet friend of mine who offered up her guest bed/bath for b and i to use till we can get on our feet. i am eternally greatful for her hospitality and for her generosity. i am seriously in awe of the love i feel from this special person, and i cannot, cannot, cannot wait to run the streets with her again.
ill need to find a good job that is full time. i do not plan to nanny again- one, because i need a job that can give me benefits. but two, because i just can't ever imagine "replacing" these babes ive got now. they will forever hold that place in my heart, and that's really how i intend to keep it. so yeah- looking for a job that is full time, and that will offer benefits. keep an eye out for me, and if you see anything let me know!
eventually, once i save enough money to start over (and i will literally be starting over because we have had to sell EVERYTHING in this divorce!), b and i will find a place of our own to rent. im still not sure how long it'll take me to get us there, but i definitely don't want to wear out my welcome with jess, so hopefully i can find a job, save some money and get a place of my own.
id also like to get back into school but have yet to determine if it makes the most sense to finish online, or to transfer my credits to metro and actually go. we'll see. but im not too far from being done and so i am excited to get back in the swing of things and make that a priority again.
other than all of that?
my parents came to visit me last weekend and that was a smashing good time! we ran the streets and went out to eat, and just spent time being normal... which was nice because my life has been so far from normal these days... it was nice to pretend for awhile. shannon and paul got married the weekend before that, and their wedding turned out to be gorgeous!!!! i can't wait to see all of the pics! :) lastly, and friend who i would've never guessed would die, has died. he comes from a dear, sweet family and i would really appreciate as many prayers for the caulk family as possible. jamie was in a car accident earlier this month, and then had a stroke as a result of his injuries. the stroke affected the brain stem, and he went into a coma. he was on life support for about a week before the family decided to take him off the ventilator, hoping his brain stem would have been restored and that he would take a breath on his own. unfortunately though, he passed away and left a loving family behind. please pray for the caulk family... i can only imagine what it must feel like to be dealing with such loss. it definitely puts things into perspective for me, that's for sure. seems so silly and selfish and stupid that ive cried thousands of tears and worried, and stressed over loosing my life with eric. i mean- don't get me wrong... that's sad, and has been terribly hard. but i think it's so important to be thankful even in the midst of terrible circumstances. and in this i can say that at least my family and i are all healthy and happy! sometimes a bit of perspective is a good thing.
thanks for sticking with me friends. remember to be thankful, and always- be blessed.
6.06.2011
wow.
i seriously cannot believe it's been almost TWO months since ive posted on here. to say that life has been a bit crazy, dramatically overwhelming, and sometimes unrecognizable is a complete understatement. lots has gone on in the last 6 weeks- a lot of which has been stressful and heart breaking, and challenging, but some good things too. and my prayer is that what has seemed to be heart breaking now, will one day end up being the moments i look back on later in life and thank god for. sometimes good can come from bad, and that is my hope with this situation. since it's been so long, i think a list is in order to provide a bit of a re-cap on life in my world lately... here goes...
1) well, it's HOT here. like as hot as the dickens hot, i kinda hate it.
2) the kids are out of school now, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we sent little jenna claire off to kindergarten.
3) sophie turned ONE last week and oh my gosh- i seriously can't believe that! her scrapbook i was making for her birthday gift did NOT get finished- mostly because i really thought id have time to put all of the final pages together the weekend before and wanted it to be as close to being complete through her one year birthday as possible... but then we ended up moving that weekend, and so that didn't happen. it won't take long to finish- but id really wished to hand it over completely done.
4) speaking of moving- eric and i decided to move out of our town home into a smaller, one bedroom apartment. basically we decided it would be really helpful to eliminate as much stress as possible in our marriage, and financial stress has been a big factor lately. it's unneccesary, and though i did enjoy my little lenox village life, it wasn't worth any sort of drama or whatever, ya know? it just doesn't matter.
5) so- we spent memorial day weekend moving which was complete craziness. well- it was craziness how the whole entire thing just fell into place really... but really crazy that we started out that weekend with our lenox village town home completely perfect. by sunday night, the place was empty, and cleaned out- sparkling even. our new place is pretty fab. it's a sweet little one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. meets our needs, but is also quite charming. the complex isn't far from where we were before, which means im still close to work and we can still frequent all of our usual spots. it's a beautiful community, with 2 pools and a hot tub, and our apartment looks out onto a little fountain/pond area. the pool is also visible and is so pretty all lite up at night. the inside of the apartment is really homey. i like the kitchen and bathroom, and it's nice to have carpet again! (wood floors were a bitch to keep clean!) the carpeting is brand new too, so it's got that lush, comfy feeling throughout. whoever built these apartments kinda thought of everything. it seems easy to live there- like there's a spot for everything. it really works out.
6) i think ive been fighting a little flu this weekend, and that has kinda stunk! my body has been achey all over, im hot, then im cold, then im hot... ive been feverish, and my throat and neck have been KILLING me! i don't know what could be wrong, but im hoping it's just a little bug that has to run it's course and that's it.
7) sometimes when you've never been in a situation, it's so easy to look at other people going through it and proclaim exactly what you'd do. the truth is though, you really have NO earthly idea exactly what you'd think or feel or do, until you're there.... in the thick of it... buried in the trenches of war... it's up to YOU to find your way out, and the only "right" way to do that can only be determined at the time of battle.
8) authenticity is something ive learned quite a lot about over these last several weeks. being authentic is NOT easy. it seems that being authentic is always really great to talk about, but when it's hardest to be authentic is when it matters the most. being who you are, and staying true to the characteristics that define YOU, when everything and everyone else around you has changed? tough. but this is who i am. i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough. i am selfless. i am understanding. i am humble. choosing to be a truly authentic human being and stick to your guns about who you are, does not mean that you are lowering your expectations or excusing inappropriate behavior either. it simply means that you rise above, you choose to be all of those things, and make decisions that are best for YOU and not what other people are most comfortable with. it's very tricky, but when your entire world begins to crumble all around you- the one thing you ARE in control of? is YOU. abandoning your moral principles and the things you so proudly proclaimed to be yesterday (when life was dandy) just because things are hard today? that would be cowardly. so... on my hardest of hard days, i repeat to myself "i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough." i remind myself that i have deliberately chosen to be this person, i am in control of one thing and one thing only- me. i am proud to say that i have maintained an authenticity while trudging through the gory, gruesome, battle fields, and i believe i will come out stronger in the end because of that.
9) sometimes i wish people would understand, but i have to understand that they don't understand, and that that is okay. it gets lonely, but it's okay.
10) i am not a quitter, and this is the ONE thing i have ever committed myself to whole heartedly. i will succeed or die trying.
11) we've spent some time down at the pools and it's been fun! reminds me of the early days when things were simple. :) it seems like we literally spent every single weekend at our little twin oaks apartments pool. good times.
12) i wonder sometimes what life is going to be like in a year. will everything be sorted out and fixed? will my family relationships go back to normal? will this just all be a part of my "past" that we don't mention? or will it ever be "normal" again? it's funny how being the baby of the family really defines your role- even when you're 29 years old and live hundreds of miles away from the nearest relative. people still want to make your decisions, take care of you, protect you... something i value more than words can say. but something that is also quite hard- especially when you've chosen a path that is not ideal in their eyes. i have to believe that the details will work themselves out later on down the road though. i am choosing to stay focused on what's in front of me, and try my best to just be me.
13) i am pretty hungry at the moment...
14) quality time is my love language. that means that i feel most loved when you just are with me. i feel un-sure of your love for me when you're not. even if from a far- time spent on the phone chatting, can make me feel just as loved as if you were sitting right here beside me hanging out. quality time can fix lots of things.
15) i got a new kick ass clock this weekend that totally rocks my face off. like- im not even kidding. rocks. my. face. off. i wish i could describe it to you- but it's kinda hard to explain. i can tell you this- it's hanging on the wall in my new, fun kitchen, and i LOVE it. pictures to come.
1) well, it's HOT here. like as hot as the dickens hot, i kinda hate it.
2) the kids are out of school now, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we sent little jenna claire off to kindergarten.
3) sophie turned ONE last week and oh my gosh- i seriously can't believe that! her scrapbook i was making for her birthday gift did NOT get finished- mostly because i really thought id have time to put all of the final pages together the weekend before and wanted it to be as close to being complete through her one year birthday as possible... but then we ended up moving that weekend, and so that didn't happen. it won't take long to finish- but id really wished to hand it over completely done.
4) speaking of moving- eric and i decided to move out of our town home into a smaller, one bedroom apartment. basically we decided it would be really helpful to eliminate as much stress as possible in our marriage, and financial stress has been a big factor lately. it's unneccesary, and though i did enjoy my little lenox village life, it wasn't worth any sort of drama or whatever, ya know? it just doesn't matter.
5) so- we spent memorial day weekend moving which was complete craziness. well- it was craziness how the whole entire thing just fell into place really... but really crazy that we started out that weekend with our lenox village town home completely perfect. by sunday night, the place was empty, and cleaned out- sparkling even. our new place is pretty fab. it's a sweet little one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. meets our needs, but is also quite charming. the complex isn't far from where we were before, which means im still close to work and we can still frequent all of our usual spots. it's a beautiful community, with 2 pools and a hot tub, and our apartment looks out onto a little fountain/pond area. the pool is also visible and is so pretty all lite up at night. the inside of the apartment is really homey. i like the kitchen and bathroom, and it's nice to have carpet again! (wood floors were a bitch to keep clean!) the carpeting is brand new too, so it's got that lush, comfy feeling throughout. whoever built these apartments kinda thought of everything. it seems easy to live there- like there's a spot for everything. it really works out.
6) i think ive been fighting a little flu this weekend, and that has kinda stunk! my body has been achey all over, im hot, then im cold, then im hot... ive been feverish, and my throat and neck have been KILLING me! i don't know what could be wrong, but im hoping it's just a little bug that has to run it's course and that's it.
7) sometimes when you've never been in a situation, it's so easy to look at other people going through it and proclaim exactly what you'd do. the truth is though, you really have NO earthly idea exactly what you'd think or feel or do, until you're there.... in the thick of it... buried in the trenches of war... it's up to YOU to find your way out, and the only "right" way to do that can only be determined at the time of battle.
8) authenticity is something ive learned quite a lot about over these last several weeks. being authentic is NOT easy. it seems that being authentic is always really great to talk about, but when it's hardest to be authentic is when it matters the most. being who you are, and staying true to the characteristics that define YOU, when everything and everyone else around you has changed? tough. but this is who i am. i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough. i am selfless. i am understanding. i am humble. choosing to be a truly authentic human being and stick to your guns about who you are, does not mean that you are lowering your expectations or excusing inappropriate behavior either. it simply means that you rise above, you choose to be all of those things, and make decisions that are best for YOU and not what other people are most comfortable with. it's very tricky, but when your entire world begins to crumble all around you- the one thing you ARE in control of? is YOU. abandoning your moral principles and the things you so proudly proclaimed to be yesterday (when life was dandy) just because things are hard today? that would be cowardly. so... on my hardest of hard days, i repeat to myself "i am gracious. i am loving. i am forgiving. i am tough." i remind myself that i have deliberately chosen to be this person, i am in control of one thing and one thing only- me. i am proud to say that i have maintained an authenticity while trudging through the gory, gruesome, battle fields, and i believe i will come out stronger in the end because of that.
9) sometimes i wish people would understand, but i have to understand that they don't understand, and that that is okay. it gets lonely, but it's okay.
10) i am not a quitter, and this is the ONE thing i have ever committed myself to whole heartedly. i will succeed or die trying.
11) we've spent some time down at the pools and it's been fun! reminds me of the early days when things were simple. :) it seems like we literally spent every single weekend at our little twin oaks apartments pool. good times.
12) i wonder sometimes what life is going to be like in a year. will everything be sorted out and fixed? will my family relationships go back to normal? will this just all be a part of my "past" that we don't mention? or will it ever be "normal" again? it's funny how being the baby of the family really defines your role- even when you're 29 years old and live hundreds of miles away from the nearest relative. people still want to make your decisions, take care of you, protect you... something i value more than words can say. but something that is also quite hard- especially when you've chosen a path that is not ideal in their eyes. i have to believe that the details will work themselves out later on down the road though. i am choosing to stay focused on what's in front of me, and try my best to just be me.
13) i am pretty hungry at the moment...
14) quality time is my love language. that means that i feel most loved when you just are with me. i feel un-sure of your love for me when you're not. even if from a far- time spent on the phone chatting, can make me feel just as loved as if you were sitting right here beside me hanging out. quality time can fix lots of things.
15) i got a new kick ass clock this weekend that totally rocks my face off. like- im not even kidding. rocks. my. face. off. i wish i could describe it to you- but it's kinda hard to explain. i can tell you this- it's hanging on the wall in my new, fun kitchen, and i LOVE it. pictures to come.
4.18.2011
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