a few random thoughts..

1) so here's the thing about facebook and email and blogs and texts... they make it really hard to communicate. well- to communicate effectively that is. obviously all of these developments are awesome for SO many reasons, and have become a HUGE part of our lives in this day and age... but is it not a total drag when you realize you may have been totally and completely misunderstood because a person may have read in to one of your sentences the wrong way? without being able to hear the intonation in someones voice, or to watch and see their body language, it becomes really difficult to figure out exactly what they mean. i am thankful for facebook, and email, and blogs, and texts... but i do kinda miss the times when face-to-face interaction was valued above all else, and an actual phone conversation came in as a close second place. i guess the bottom line is that when you put this stuff out there, you just hafta trust that the people reading it know you well enough to decide where your hearts when you post it. and you also hafta be EXTRA mindful of what you're saying, how it might sound to an outsider, and how it could potentially be twisted and manipulated to mean something you'd never even considered before! tricky tricky!

2) sophie has a tooth coming in and it's hurting her real bad. i wish i could take the pain for her! she clearly doesn't feel well at all, is running a low grade fever, has kind of a snotty nose, and doesn't want to eat. my poor, poor sugar. if i could do it in her place, i WOULD! in a red, hot minute.

3) my husband makes me happy. yesterday afternoon was kind of a bear. i got off of the phone with my oldest and dearest friend, and my head was spinning. reeling even. somewhere between beginning the conversation and ending it, id developed a headache that simply would NOT budge. im guessing it was from the messy, confusing, emotionally charged conversation that took place while on the line. at the end of the day, when i went home and had the chance to relay the convo to my hubs, my headache went away... just like that- it was gone. i think it's because he makes me feel calm, and safe. i think it's because he is supportive and reassuring. i love that.

4) on the topic of said oldest and dearest friend... if you are reading this, i hope you know that i would never want to hurt or argue with you, and that im sorry we have come to disagree on so many things. please know that our differences don't have to impair this friendship... i value you, even though we have different perspectives. with that said though, i understand that friendships have seasons, and sometimes people just grow apart. i cant help but wonder if that's the case here. never the less, regardless of what has happened, or where that path of our friendship might take us in the future- i support you, and i care about you, and i value you.

5) my hubs is turning THIRTY on thursday! he is what i like to call a classic "oldie but a goodie." dont worry babe- im not going to leave you just cause you're old! :)  well..... i might hafta leave for a few minutes to run to wal mart for the laxatives and bed pans, but have no fear... ill return real soon with all the essential old folks goodies. still thinking of ideas for a fun birthday weekend- we need to make this one big.

6) just because i value a person and mention it, it does not mean i value you any less, okay? don't be so insecure and project your own personal issues onto me.  thats just no fair. thanks.

7) im hoping the weather will hold up for the weekend. complete with sunshine and blue skies! that'd be nice for shizzle! last weekend was kinda the pits!

8) i got my first real manicure with my bestie josh over my birthday weekend, and i think i might be an addict now. who knew it was so fun to have pretty, pretty nails? i went back this past weekend, to have them re-do the polish, and ta-da! perfection. just makes a girl feel fancy.

9) no matter how many times i replace my phone battery i cannot, cannot, cannot seem to make it through the day without it dying! seriously. very, very, VERY frustrating.

10) without further ado, i would like to formally announce that my bristol... bristol anne adams... my precious and sweet baby girl... is SUCH a good girl! it has now been a week and a half and she has not stepped foot in her cage ONCE! she's stayed out all day, everyday, and has not had one single accident! and the shoes have been safe too! such a precious and smart girl! it took a lot of work and patience to get here, but man! i am STOAKED!

judgement. accountability. graciousness. love.

isn't it funny how we all make judgements about people and situations like we know a thing or two? yet in reality we are just on-lookers... observers... people who have not ever and probably will not ever find themselves in the situations we are looking at. and yet we somehow find a way to justify our judgements? i am guilty of this for sure- it's something ive noticed to be a common trend among people in today's society. we always seems to know better. we always seem to have the solution to the problems that the guy next door is facing. yet when do we ever really stop to ask ourselves what it must be like to walk in that person's shoes? and when are we ever going to realize that if we have not ever walked in those shoes- we have absolutely NO right to judge? it's funny to me how many people forget these simple things... isn't it all about graciousness in the end? aren't we as people called to show grace and mercy on people? and yet we judge.

i made a very short and brief comment along these lines of judgement on facebook yesterday... wasn't meant to be offensive or mean or rude. i wasn't upset or trying to hurt feelings. i simply said 'isn't it fair to say that if we've never walked a mile in those shoes we are in no place to judge?' and within 24 hours- id been axed from that person's facebook. gone. the person who axed me isn't necessarily a "good" friend of mine but she is someone i met several years ago and have always really liked. ill be honest- it kinda sucked to be axed. BUT then i realized that maybe what caused her to axe me was that she felt the harsh sting of accountability. and even though my words were not offensive or mean or hateful... they made her uncomfortable because i was right. and so in the face of accountability instead of choosing to address why it stung a bit to hear my point of view... she deleted me. how will we ever become better as people if we refuse to consider other people's opinions and points of view? how will we ever become better as people if we run from accountabiliy?

as christians we are called to love. i have never been the type of christian who subscribes to the point of view that we are to "convert the masses" or "judge the unholy" or "beat the truth into the lost with our fire and brimestone bible-beating antics." i simply think that we as christians are called to love. and not just to love people who are easy to love either. but i also believe that at the root of love is graciousness. in my mind the two go hand in hand. if i sit up here on my pedestal and act like i know everything about everything- like ive been in every tough spot there is to be in and i KNOW the right way out??  i will never be able to show true grace or compassion... which means i will never be able to really love.

at the end of the day this situation just got me thinking... about how we as a people are so quick to judge and how we refuse to be held or hold ourselves accountable. even if it means showing your ass and up and deleting someone from your friends list on facebook. lol. so lame. i can say that while im sorry she found herself offended... i stand by the comment i made because i know where my heart was when i made the comment. and though it would be easy to get mad and say mean things or whatever- this person deserves graciousness just like the rest of us which is why it is okay. in all honesty i guess i am glad that my beliefs about judgement made this person think.  my hope is that maybe she will at least take the time to consider what i said and know that if she ever wants to understand the true meaning of love... she's gonna have to start by showing a bit of compassion and graciousness to the people who need it the most.

just because im pretty sure we could ALL use a laugh...

oh. my. gosh.

seriously- is that cute or what??

he is at peace..

as im sure the majority of you already knew, mike finally ended his fight early this morning and is gone. i got the news first thing this morning, and have since spent the rest of my day wrestling with things. one thing i know for sure, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that it is so, so comforting to know that he is finally at peace and out of pain. but this day for me has been plagued with questions i can't seem to find the answers to. my mind is racing with thoughts of what he must have felt in his last moments on earth... was he scared? was he worried to leave his family? or maybe he was just too tired? what about his family? what are they doing now? i can't imagine what it must have been like once he did finally die... did they look around at each other and not know what to do? or where to go? i wonder if they just felt lost. ive asked myself what heaven is really like... is it really as they say? where the streets are lined with gold, and where the sun shines daily? what about the whole idea of being able to look down on your loved ones and watch over them? is that really true? one of the biggest things ive found myself really struggling with is the "why." not really "why did mike have to die?" although i would love to know what the rhyme or reason behind that was... but more why (if this was the ultimate outcome for him anyway), did mike have to spend so much time suffering? fighting and fighting and fighting for a goal that was unattainable from the start. kinda makes me mad a little. for four months now, he has lived in that hospital fighting. he has celebrated even the smallest of victories and has worked toward newness and toward getting his life back. why was that necessary if he was not going to win the fight? or maybe he DID win the fight, and i just haven't realized it yet. but why put his family through such pain? giving them reasons to hope, all to snag that rug right out from under them when they least expect it. and even more- he couldn't have just been sick, but he had to be in constant pain... there seems to be something very wrong about that to me. a good, good man, suffering and in pain for months... dies. everyone likes a happy ending, especially me. but for me, this is more than the story not having a happy ending... now that the conclusion has come, ive found myself annoyed at the cruelty of the moments that have lead us to this moment.

while my heart and my mind have been busy wrestling with questions i can not ever, and probably will not ever find the answers to, my body is just tired. i keep thinking of how jordan, katie and lisa must feel. i bet they're tired too. today, ive thought lots about katie. maybe because i see a lot of myself in her- just being raised in a very loving, church-going family, where my dad was my hero and no one adored me more than him. i think back to when i was her age... and though i absolutely adored my father, i didn't actually know him. how sad, that she might feel somewhere down the road, that though she loved and adored him, she was never given the chance to actually know him. it wasn't until id passed all through my teenage years and became an adult, that i really started to know my dad. she will never get that opportunity. who will interview her boyfriends? who will walk her down the aisle on her wedding day? see? more questions that have no answers...

ultimately, though it's been a very rough and thought provoking day for me... my main concern is for his family right now. i can't imagine how they must feel, and i wish i was there to do something... anything at all to help ease their pain. my prayer is that they are also at peace with the situation, just as he is. my prayer is that they will feel the kind of comfort that makes no sense at all... from the inside, out. my prayer is that they will be able to rest easy, and that they wont feel afraid to move forward. my prayer is that at some point in time, there will be a silver lining revealed so that they can be at peace in knowing it was just his time to go. my prayer is that they know it's okay to break down and cry, that they don't have to be strong all the time. my prayer is that they KNOW that they are not alone, because we are all right here with them- broken hearted, and feeling a little lost.

just because the beatles always have an answer... here is my song for the day:

"let it be"


When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

changed..

the situation with mike... the condition he is in... the fight i know he has fought... and the thought of his family feeling orphaned without him... has changed me. i would have never expected it to impact me as much as it has. maybe it's because he and lisa made such an impact on me when i was growing up. maybe it's because i have this tendency to want to live in, and believe in a world where bad things just do not happen to good people. whatever the reason may be, i am sensing this change that has taken place. at some point in time (yesterday i think), i began to realize that none of this really matters... the details of life i mean. i guess they matter (and they certainly feel HUGE at the time of course) but when all is said and done, the tiny details don't matter. to think that i was all excited and prepared to post pictures from my birthday weekend... prepared to blog about the wedding shower i hosted this weekend that turned out to be a smashing success. i am embarrassed to admit that i have lived my life so wrapped up in the details, that i forget to remember the things that really matter. i found myself humiliated before god last night as i took the time to thank him for my health. for my husbands health. for my precious mom and dad's health. for the health of my brothers and sister-in-law... the people i love that are all around me on a daily basis. the people who impact me, and who i care deeply for. i couldn't remember the last time i got down on my knees and said "thank you!" and yet when something goes wrong, and when i learned mike's not going to make it... i got on my knees to beg for answers. felt the right to ask "WHY!?!" to get mad even. to feel like our prayers had been ignored and that we had been forgotten.

going back to the details thing- i stayed near my phone ALL day yesterday, waiting to get some sort of email notification that there was an update available. checking facebook as many times as i could and i quick as my hands would let me... all to see if someone knew something... anything. i found myself so irritated at the masses and masses of people on there, posting status updates about god knows what. all things that don't matter in the huge scheme of things, things that felt offensive to ME because i felt so broken hearted. isn't it funny how life just goes on? for me, my world kinda stopped yesterday. i struggled. i cried more tears than i could count... i was absolutely consumed with thoughts of this dear, sweet family suffering. and yet, life went on around me, and i found all of the usual status updates about being so irritated to have a cold, or people feeling annoyed to be working late... bitching about friendships that weren't going just right, or the weather being too cold or wet. now, i am guilty of all of these things, but it wasn't until yesterday that i really, truly realized just how wrong we've really gotten it. who cares!? i kept thinking as i folded laundry LATE last night, when i was totally exhausted and felt like my head might actually explode from all the fuzziness brought on from hours of crying, how much i bet mike would love to have the opportunity to fold and put away his wife's clothes for her... just one more time. and i bet he'd take those gray, gloomy days we all complain about any day- a chance to smell the sweet smell of rain, and listen to it fall. is it not true and really quite devastating just how negative we all are?  it's like, if we're not complaining about something, how will we know we're still alive? the bottom line is that mike would probably give anything right about now, for one more chance to clean up dishes, or spend time weeding the garden. i bet he'd give up anything to have a life where the worst part of his day was having to get up earlier than he prefers so that he can head out to begin his day at work.

i want to try to be more diligent about my thankfulness. i want to be more mindful of the things that are going right, so that when something goes wrong my entire world doesn't feel like it's ending. i want to take the time to SLOW down, and stop to smell the flowers, and admire their beauty. i am done complaining about the things that just don't matter- and for those of you who want to continue to live your lives that way, that's fine. but in my opinion, you're wasting your life, and you're barking up the wrong tree if you think im going to stop smelling my flowers to listen to your mindless and senseless complaints. im just done with all if it. as long as ive got air in my lungs, and a heart beating in my chest... as long as ive got the love and support of a HEALTHY and happy husband and family? i am the richest girl around.

and because im not typically quite so serious, ill end on a lighter note just to keep you coming back for more. :)

isn't she just the cutest little thing? clapping and smiling and enjoying the springtime grass. oh to be a kid again.... when life was just so simple.