in between...

i have decided to write because i have no one to really talk to about how im feeling right now. there just is too much going on around me to ask someone to stop and hear me out. for the first time in a long time, i find myself crying today about the life that i lost.

it all started when i stumbled across a recipe that i had written down foreverrrrr ago. my bff josh had me and eric over one night because he and his friend horacio had cooked sopes and wanted to share. horacio knows just how to cook delicious authenic mexican food, and i found myself so excited to try something new. it (of course) turned out to be delicious, and i vividly remember forcing him to sit directly in front of me to spill the beans on just how to make sopes on my own. he walked me through the process over and over, and was so patient in answering my questions. i wrote as fast as my hands would let me, and was so excited to go home and try making these sopes on my own. . stumbling upon the recipe all this time later just really got me thinking. [side note- most times i dont remember ANYthing. i find that others around me tend to remember details and situations a lot easier than i do. im usually the one standing there saying "nope! i dont remember that at all!" (that happens a lot these days because michael will frequently bring up stories or fun things we did in high school and i just have no recollection of any of it, lol). so yeah- mostly i remember nothing.  but then there are times like this- when i remember EVERY single detail of EVERYthing about that night.] i thought about that night, and what eric and i were wearing, and what we talked about. there was music playing in the background, and josh's tiny kitchen was COVERED in sope goodness.  i remember it like it was yesterday. what i wasn't able to remember though, is if this night took place before or after my seemingly happy life began to unravel. was it before i had even learned he had an affair? or was it during that summer after the fact when we were "working" on things?  i remember eric there... and i remember he and i happy. so it must have been before.

i think ive mostly cried today, over the loss of what was a perfectly established and seemingly good life. right now i just feel so caught in the in-between.  i believe i have physically and emotionally moved on from my life with eric, but i somehow still feel stuck in this in-between world where im just not quite happy yet. im sure we all know that i have this awesome boyfriend michael, who im thrilled to call my own, but even my relationship with him seems very in-between. in order to get where i really want for us to be, a series of things have to happen (he listed them off for me today) and that's just disappointing. i first, have to move there. then i have to get a steady job. once i have a steady job there, i have to get my lease here taken care of. once the apartment is re-rented and i am no longer paying a shit load of money each month, we can begin to save. once we save, we can THEN begin to discuss a home... and really beginning the life ive been working toward all these years. it just feels like it's so close i can reach out and touch it, but so, so, so far away at the very same time.

it feels unfair that ive been asked (forced rather) to start my life over. right now, im not mourning the loss of my husband, and the love and friendship we had... im just mourning the loss of the established life. im mourning the fact that no matter how far ive come, and no matter how hard ive worked... there is a still a long, and winding road set before me that i hafta travel to reach where i want to be.

i guess i should really just be thankful to have made the progress ive made... but right now? in this very moment? im really not. right now i just feel overwhelmed. and tired of waiting, and tired of working for what i thought i had already.

baseball. hot dogs. sunburns. memories.

so it wasn't until mr. michael barkley came into my world that i started getting to go to like... a zillion rockies games. and ill be honest... i kinda love it. i had never really been to a major league game before, but man! there's something really special about the bright green field, perfectly manicured, and getting to sing "take me out to the ballgame" at the top of your lungs when it's the 7th inning stretch. like, for real. i think it really helps that colorado is to-die-for pretty like... ALL the time, because i find myself enjoying the gorgeous colorado views about as much as i do the game (sometimes more, but shoosh!). since going to the rockies games has become one of my favorite things to do, i figured id share a few pictures...

 

 

okay, first of all- see what i mean about the view? i still cant get enough of the colorado sky. it takes my breath away.

 



 

our seats are on the third level, and i LOVE them! one time we sat on the first level, and i didn't enjoy my time nearly as much as i tend to up here. i have a perfect view of home plate, outfield and the score board. that's money.

 

this was at our very first game together back in late april... or maybe early may. it was whenever the rockies played the braves, and i was super excited to be here. my bf (obviously) is a giant braves fan, and he came decked out head to toe in his braves garb, but i proudly rocked my rockies tshirt and loved EVERY minute of the game! i think it was during the 7th inning that the skies opened, and it began to downpour... hard. so at first we hung around inside, waiting for it to pass. once it became apparent that was probably never going to happen, we decided to make a run for it. well... by "we" i really mean me. i decided we should make a run for it, and so we RAN for blocks and blocks and blocks to the car, and got SOAKED! every inch of our clothing was soaked, and we happily drove home laughing, and giggling and shivering from being so wet!

 

 

game 2. it was a saturday day game, and it was hot as hell when we left. i expected to sweat miserably and so i had my little hat on to block my face a bit (being SO close to the sun here, i burn QUICK) and a sun dress to keep me cool. but in true colorado style, the weather changed on a dime, and by the time we arrived at the ball park, it was cloudy and drizzling. i was happy with that though... i would rather have been a little chilly than sweating my ass off. something really fun about this game was that they gave out free cargo tshirts, and i thought that was nice.

 

 

game 3. not sure what that face is about, but something ive learned is that you never really know what you're gonna get when you hold a camera up to this guy. anyway, this was a friday evening game, and the weather was actually perfect! from start to finish... it was lovely.

 

 

game 4. i hadta steal his hat for a bit because i literally sat there on that upper deck, getting FRIED! by the time this pic was taken, i was hurting pretty bad and clearly decided i should show it in this lovely photo op. lol. this was a sunday day game. i ended up making friends with a fellow burn victim behind me, and borrowing some spf50...  thank god i did! after this game, we went to a delicious eatery downtown called marco's pizza. i HIGHLY recommend paying this little spot a visit. it was delish!

 

 

 

game 5. another evening game, and the weather was perfection. no rain, but a light, cool breeze that kinda made my heart go pitter patter. this game was fun cause i was super excited to get this kick ass rockies hat! whoo hoo! ive never had a baseball hat like this before... im quickly becoming a real rockies fan proffessional... clearly. lol.

 

 

game 6. and i am happy to report this game was special because it was my first rockies win!!!!!! it was a smashing success and i loved every minute of it! i think we closed out with 10-0, killing the dodgers. to say that i was stoaked to win, would be kind of an understatement... let's just say winning really suits me well. lol.

 

 

all in all, id hafta say ive been really blessed to have created so many special and fun memories at the ball park this summer. it's something ive never really done before, and i am so excited to be out there every few weeks. i love the peanuts, the hot dogs, the (mostly) cool breezes, and the memories. we have three more games next month before the season ends, and i really think ill miss coors field this fall/winter. 

 



book of mormon, august 25 2012

i want to start by saying i enjoyed being downtown today... a lot. i feel like i am rarely down there, and i seem to forget how gorgeous it is... how clean it is... how beautiful the old buildings are. to me, there is something really magical about a downtown that has the old, charming, and awesome buildings.

we started the day at the curtis hotel restaurant called the corner office. it was exquisitly decorated, and had this very cool, modern style. i loved it. the hues of cool blues and sassy greens intrigued my eye at every corner, and i enjoyed my surroundings about as much as i did the company and conversation.

the menu was filled with a variety of breakfast foods... all totally posh in both their flavors and their presentation. the french toast was my absolute favorite and if you ever find yourself with an opportunity to go visit the corner office, give it a try. you will not regret it.

here we are happy, and excited to begin our fun-filled day in denver. (i really wish i had taken more pictures of this place to share... whoops.)

the curtis hotel is directly across from the denver performing arts center, and as i stepped outside the view just kind of captured my heart a little. it was an absolutely gorgeous day, and i just knew that the show would be fabulous. i was so excited in fact, i realize now that i managed to document just about each and every moment. :)

 

 

so the show was... too die for. like... amazing. so, so, so funny. and not in a whitty, clever sort of way either. in an, in-your-face-hilarious sort of way. there was no denying or missing this humor. it was fabulously inappropriate at times, heart warming at times... hilarious the whole way through. i knew for sure i would enjoy it, but had no idea what type of hilarity was waiting for me. i guess i had kind of expected it to sort of mock the mormon religion, and i am happy to report that it really didn't. im sure most mormons would find themselves horrified throughout the show for other reasons, but not because they felt personally mocked... just my thoughts i guess. so after literally laughing so hard my face hurt, i decided to do some exploring outside. i just thought the building was so, so pretty. i love to think about all of the amazing moments that must have taken place here... the history is just kind of magical to me.

experiences like today aren't the kind you get to have every day. the musical itself was seriously so, so, so funny. not for the faint of heart, but certainly for the open minded, looking-to-have-a-good-laugh kinda folk. :) the architecture of the performing arts center was beautiful, and it was all around just a really wonderful time. i love making memories like this.

oh and lastly? a giant shout out to my brother and sister-in-law for coordinating such a fun time. we LOVED it!

ps- isn't she the cutest pregnant girl on the planet? like... ever?? i CANT WAIT for my nephew to get here!!!!!!

summer 2012

okay so it's been awhile... a long while. i get it.

so my mom came to town in march, and i decided to let her take my computer because hers was acting up, and they just have done so much for me, it seemed like the right thing to do. this meant i had no real ability to blog, and was left to blog from work. that became pretty difficult because i was at work... and ya know... i needed to be working. i think i blogged twice from a work computer, and both times were really late at night when all the work was done and there was nothing better to do. since my supervisor decided to hate me though, i decided i should be sure to have all of my time accounted for. which means, even if it's the very end of the night, and there is nothing to do... i pretend i am very busy and important, handling only work related things. lol. right. well... my mom came back to visit a few weeks ago, and decided to let me keep the computer for awhile. so here i am... blogging. i will do better about blogging more often now that ive got my computer back and such.

because it's been so long, ive realized there is a lot to cover. like, a lot-a lot. i should start by saying that this summer has kinda rocked my face off. i have made so many wonderful memories, and have had so many fun experiences. i feel so blessed. it's still sometimes amazing to me that a year ago today i was working so hard to save my marriage. i was going off to counseling each week to fix things... i was doing a lot of introspective thinking and asking myself questions of how and what i had done to make the husband i adored cheat on me. i was taking the blame... i was struggling in relationships with my family, and i wanted nothing more but for everything to just be okay. and now here i am.... and everything is wonderful! i am blessed beyond comprehension, and i feel so safe now... so secure in my life, and in my loving relationships... god has really walked with me through this journey, and i am proud to say i made it!  it's remarkable, really. i made it.

ive got several pictures of fun things to share, but im going to try and start from the beginning of summertime...

this was homemade french bread pizza night, and boy was it good! michael and i got a bunch of pizza toppings together, and built our very own pizzas on fresh french bread. i love this picture because it really captures how happy we were... even then... at the very beginning. i love how im looking at his sweet lil self so adoringly. i fell pretty hard for this one, and i think ill keep him. :)

 

so michael and i decided to meet up with some of my favorite people on the planet (the smith family) to go to parker days together. parker is where i live, and apparently they hold this giant festival type thing every summer, and man oh man! it was FUN! i highly recommend going to ANYone looking for a good time outside, on a hot summer day. as you can see- sylvie is pretty much too die for. and i was happy to capture moments of her and her sweet mama on sylvie's very first ferris wheel ride. parker days was a good, good time and i would love to go again!

next, we went to this really fun fest in greely called blues jam, and it was a smashing good time. like, for real. the music was UHmaaaazing, and it was fun to be enjoying an outdoor music festival on a beautiful colorado night. seriously. oh and yeah- i totally stole the above pictured golf cart and took it for a spin for some fun. my poor, poor boyfriend is a bit of a rule follower and im sure was fearing for his life. props to the random (and innocent, i might add) bystander who agreed to take this pic to document the fun time. :)

i definitely wanted to share some of these fun pictures i caught of michael's adorable and sweet, sweet family who have welcomed me into their lives on more than one occasion. to say that these are special people would be kind of an understatement. i LOVE them! in the top picture you'll see michael with his precious little niece rylee. this girl is CRAZY! i love her so, so much. she is first of all.... adorable! and i think she looks just like my guy. :) but second of all? she is tough! she says the funniest things, and has a bit of a chip on her a shoulder that she seems to carry well. the middle picture is (from left to right) his aunt karen, his grandpa, and his sweet mama. this was taken on father's day, right after we all had sunday lunch. i think it's the coolest thing- every sunday, the entire family gets together after church at the grandparents house, and they eat a big, delicious lunch, and spend time together. it's like a dream to be a part of such a special thing, and i love it! the last picture is of michael's adorable little nephew casey. this guy is too die for! he was so shy with me at first, but once he decided we could be friends, we have been friends! last weekend it was the sweetest thing- he came into the house, walked right up to me, climbed in my lap, and gave me a giant hug. what a sweet little love! seriously. michael's family is one of the very best things about him, and i am so blessed to know such wonderful, loving, funny, and sweet people.

 



okay so in one of my last posts i mentioned being super stoked for a bun being in someone very specials little oven, right?? well.... i am happy to report the oven belongs to my sister-in-law, tara, and i will be an aunt in no time! i was SO excited to see the ultrasound picture of my adorable little nephew. i cant imagine what it will feel like to be an aunt. ahhh.... isn't he just a doll baby? well anyway, the little man is due to make is debut on october 24th, and i am thrilled. mom and baby are growing and are healthy, and are doing great. i am thrilled!!!!!

so michael has this giant dog named leigh and i LOVE her! she is just too die for. first of all, how cute is that black patch on her eye?? and second of all, i think it's so fun that she's a bit portly... like me. :) but also? she is like a freak show dog... she behaves constantly! she always obeys, and never does anything bad... like.... ever. it's kinda bizarre really. lol. she and bristol anne have become fast friends, and they kind of love each other. well.... let's be honest, bristol loves her, but i think she'd be just fine to never hafta play with my pup again. leigh baby is like 8... or 9... or something, and of course my sweet girl is just getting ready to turn 3! so they're kind of on different playing fields. but they get along great, and i am happy to report leigh has been really good for b. bristol seems to have learned a lot from her, and that's helped a ton! bristol now stays out of her kennel every day, and is free to roam the house and sleep wherever her sweet little head may lie. she rarely has accidents, and has just become such a good girl. i think leigh has had a lot to do with the change in behavior... i also think michael has a lot to do with it, because he is SO FIRM! and of course, i think finally growing out of that "puppy" phase is helpful too! i sure do love my baby though... more than words could say.

this is just a fun little moment i was happy to catch on camera. we used to do this together in high school all the time, and it was fun to bring it back. we say "look at our buff necks!" an then we show our neck muscles! lol.

so i know this picture is pretty poor as far as quality goes, but that's kinda how it goes when you just have your iphone to document big moments. and this??? this was definitely of them! i finally got my new ID that lists me as.... MaryEllen Willis. yessssssssssssssss. the sound of it, is really just... well? amazing.

soooo... i like to post some of my crafty projects on here whenever i get the chance, and here is the latest. we found this giant desk, (and by giant... i mean GIANT!) on craigslist. it's made of solid wood, has a giant surface for crafting, and it was like $80. if you ask me, that combination makes this piece pretty too-die-for. the only thing was... it was dark wood. and beautiful, sure... but it just wasn't really my style. so i decided to give it a little face lift, and i am so glad i did. after 3 days of coating it with this delicious robin's egg blue, it had come back to life. i LOVE it.

sometime in the middle of the summer there, i got the opportunity to see a BUNCH of special people i grew up with. it was so fun to see some of the people from all those years ago. the phelps boys (in the first picture) were at my house constantly when i was like 13,14,15, etc. they were like two additional older brothers, and i just have so many memories of them there. the second picture is of my very first love, ben and his awesome (and super cute) wife jenni. the third picture is of travis hudson and i... we went to church together, to high school together, we sang duets together... we grew up together. it was a really good time to catch up, and to see everyone now.

 

 

so as some of you may know, my michael is an elementary school teacher (love). in the summertime though, he has the opportunity to work in reality television, so this summer he spent five weeks in georgia working on... wait for it.... the bad girls club. (any time i say that, i hear their little jingle "welcome to the bad girls club" in my head, lol). anyway, if you don't know what that is, good. it's the trashiest of trashy television, but he has some friends who work in the art department for the show, and he is given the opportunity to make some extra dough, so he does it. im glad for him, because he seems to have a good time when he goes. i lucked out big time, because my guy is so sweet, that he decided to fly me down to the atl for a special little weekend get-away where fun was on every corner. the first big thing we did, was meet up with one of my favorite people on the planet, kellee gooch. she is from georgia, but lives in nashville and has been one of my best friends for about eight years now. so she met up with us on saturday, and we got to spend the day at the georgia aquarium. it was AMAZZZZING! the entire thing was over the top.  i looooooooved it, and i especially loved getting to see my sweet, sweet friend. (if any of you ever end up in the atlanta area, i HIGHLY suggest spending a day here... they even had a dolphin show!)

 

after a fun filled day spent with kellee at the aquarium, we went off to a delicious and very fancy dinner at this place called southern art. the chef was once oprah's personal chef, and he had a real knack for creating deliciousness. like, for real. we had a smor-gish-bourg of food, and we ate like kings. it was amaaazing. again- if you're ever in the atlanta area, go to the restaurant called southern art. you. will. not. regret. it.

 

 

on sunday, my bestie josh came to atlanta from nashville for a fun filled day at the coca-cola factory. it was so stinkin good to see him... words just will not say. (josh was my very first friend in nashville, i met him the day i moved there, and we have been bff's ever since. i love him.) ANYway... the coke factory was pretty rock star. we made sure to have a smashing good time.

 

when my little favorites in nashville learned i was at the coke factory, they decided to play a prank and had their mama facebook me to say that i MUST try the drink called beverly because it is "just sooooooooo good!" i knew they were onto something, but decided to humor them with this play-by-play...

 

 

it. was. awful. after trying it, and being completely horrified at the taste of disgust in my mouth, we decided it might be fun to pay it forward and continue the joke jenna claire and ross thought to start. so we positioned ourselves next to the beverly dispenser and exclaimed to each passer-byer how delicious it was. a few fell for our antics, and were horrified at our cruelty. we didn't regret it for a second though. suckers.

 

 

one of my all time favorite things from this summer, was getting to go to the counting crows concert with my brother at red rocks. it. was. fun. first of all, it was a gorgeous night, packed full of gorgeous colorado views. that's right folks... i live here. be jealous betches. :) red rocks is an outdoor amphitheater, and it is too die for. the acoustics are amazing, and it is just so, so pretty. but second of all? the counting crows rocked my world. the concert was amaaaazing, packed full of good, good songs that we loved. it was definitely a memorable moment.

 

 

 

my mom and dad came back into town at the beginning of this month, and we made sure to pack it full of fun. paula (tara's mom) also came to visit, and we all had the best time with one another. i am so lucky to call these people my own. ps- isn't tara the cutest pregnant girl on the planet???

 

 



i figured id finish with this... because let's face it, it doesn't get better than that. as im sure you've figured out, i am now the girlfriend belonging to mr. michael barkley, and i am HAPPY. he is so good, and so fun, and so honest, and so loving, and so... well? just wonderful. i am a lucky lady to call him my own, and am so glad i have gotten to share this journey with you sweet people.

sorry this blog has been LONG! i had a lot of catching up to do.

be blessed friends, and as always... be thankful.