i have decided to write because i have no one to really talk to about how im feeling right now. there just is too much going on around me to ask someone to stop and hear me out. for the first time in a long time, i find myself crying today about the life that i lost.
it all started when i stumbled across a recipe that i had written down foreverrrrr ago. my bff josh had me and eric over one night because he and his friend horacio had cooked sopes and wanted to share. horacio knows just how to cook delicious authenic mexican food, and i found myself so excited to try something new. it (of course) turned out to be delicious, and i vividly remember forcing him to sit directly in front of me to spill the beans on just how to make sopes on my own. he walked me through the process over and over, and was so patient in answering my questions. i wrote as fast as my hands would let me, and was so excited to go home and try making these sopes on my own. . stumbling upon the recipe all this time later just really got me thinking. [side note- most times i dont remember ANYthing. i find that others around me tend to remember details and situations a lot easier than i do. im usually the one standing there saying "nope! i dont remember that at all!" (that happens a lot these days because michael will frequently bring up stories or fun things we did in high school and i just have no recollection of any of it, lol). so yeah- mostly i remember nothing. but then there are times like this- when i remember EVERY single detail of EVERYthing about that night.] i thought about that night, and what eric and i were wearing, and what we talked about. there was music playing in the background, and josh's tiny kitchen was COVERED in sope goodness. i remember it like it was yesterday. what i wasn't able to remember though, is if this night took place before or after my seemingly happy life began to unravel. was it before i had even learned he had an affair? or was it during that summer after the fact when we were "working" on things? i remember eric there... and i remember he and i happy. so it must have been before.
i think ive mostly cried today, over the loss of what was a perfectly established and seemingly good life. right now i just feel so caught in the in-between. i believe i have physically and emotionally moved on from my life with eric, but i somehow still feel stuck in this in-between world where im just not quite happy yet. im sure we all know that i have this awesome boyfriend michael, who im thrilled to call my own, but even my relationship with him seems very in-between. in order to get where i really want for us to be, a series of things have to happen (he listed them off for me today) and that's just disappointing. i first, have to move there. then i have to get a steady job. once i have a steady job there, i have to get my lease here taken care of. once the apartment is re-rented and i am no longer paying a shit load of money each month, we can begin to save. once we save, we can THEN begin to discuss a home... and really beginning the life ive been working toward all these years. it just feels like it's so close i can reach out and touch it, but so, so, so far away at the very same time.
it feels unfair that ive been asked (forced rather) to start my life over. right now, im not mourning the loss of my husband, and the love and friendship we had... im just mourning the loss of the established life. im mourning the fact that no matter how far ive come, and no matter how hard ive worked... there is a still a long, and winding road set before me that i hafta travel to reach where i want to be.
i guess i should really just be thankful to have made the progress ive made... but right now? in this very moment? im really not. right now i just feel overwhelmed. and tired of waiting, and tired of working for what i thought i had already.
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